Bill Shakespeare once said:
“O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet”
Oh Juliet, aka Claire Dane’s – you are a big dumdum. If a rose were called something different, guarantee it wouldn’t smell just as sweet. I mean I’m no scientist or philosopher but…roses are just as aesthetically pleasing as tulips, especially when you press the sun button, blur the borders, and lo-fi that shit up. They both smell good, but I’m purdy sure that the VALUE of the rose is in the name, jackass. Not only that, but your dumb ass died because of it. While I probably would have refused to love anyone other than a 17 year old Leo in costume and behind a fish tank with wet hair, your death was brought upon you all because of a name.
Unless you live under a rock, you know that actors create stage names. Tom Cruise’s name is really Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. Olivia Wilde’s real name is Olivia Jane Cockburn. I SWEAR I didn’t make that up. COCK BURN! I mean I couldn’t have, even that nickname is above my level of intelligence. Elle McPherson’s real name is Elenor Gow. LIKE, EW!! The list goes on.
Fast forward to my most and least favorite family (currently having an internal debate) in the world. The KARDASHIANS. Kris, Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kendall, Kylie….and…fat Rob. Well forget fat Rob, and let’s focus on the K ALLITERATION! What a trendy ass family. Do you think that was on purpose? You bet your ass it was. Do you think Kim K. would have married Kris or gotten knocked up by Kanye if their names didn’t start with K’s? I bet HER ass she wouldn’t have. And that is a very very…very..verrry large bet.
Predictions of their baby name have been “North” for…North West. Get it?!! Not to mention all of the other celeb kids who are destined to be strippers solely due to their names: apple, sparrow, harrow, marrow, rainbow, honor, tits mcgee, etc.
There are also names with white trash/slutty/hooker connotations as seen here:
AND, I was always told to NEVER date a guy with 2 first names, because they are trouble. Translation, where is my guy with 2 first names? AND WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IF YOUR NAME IS RICHARD, WOULD YOU GO BY DICK?
Nickname’s – a subdivision of names – are also the most fun thing ever. While generally mean-spirited they provide a ton of laughter for all involved. My friends and I have come up with some really great ones over the years. “Hat,” because some dude only looked good with a hat on, and yes we called him this to his face for 7 years…Gary…Lou…Bob…Bangs…Elaine…Brain…Terese…Weiner Dawg…Farmer…Bread…Avatar…and a ton of others that are way meaner and/or too obvious – gotta keep those names in the vault. mwahahaha.
Either way, my point is, names effing matter.
So, that brings me to the current blog discussion of….NAMES! Now, I could go in many different angles with this topic. However, I think, for the sake of what we are all interested in discussing, we should discuss girls names. Why? Because it’s catty and fucking funny. Like, really, I had this conversation with a bunch of girls the other week over wine, and we were keeling over in laughter.
The topic of discussion is names that still exist in present day that:
1) Should not
2) Are extremely dated
3) Are ugly
4) Are funny
5) Imply that something is really weird with your parents
6) Imply that you probably aren’t fun
7) Mean that you are trying so much harder than the average joe to overcompensate for that heinous name you were given
Now, there are a few names we can’t include in this topic and that would be biblical names. While I agree that most of them aren’t so trendy, it just wouldn’t be right. SO, having said that…Mary, Rebecca….and umm…umm…whatever the rest of them are “Can’t Touch This” – MC Hammer.
Anyway, I came up with a list of names, with the help of some of my girlfriends…and then decided to take it to the next level. I thought of the brilliant idea to google image each of these names to further prove my point. What pics would show up? You are soon to find out. Also, if your man crush is hooking up with someone with one of these names…it doesn’t matter the outcome. In the end, YOU WIN! Solely for the reason that it makes talking shit about that girl so much more entertaining. AM I RIGHT AM I RIGHT!?
CAVEAT: If your name is on this list, I don’t blame you, for you did not choose your birth name. What I DO blame you for is for not marching up to Capital Hill sooner and demanding a new name. Ball is in your court, sucka!
Here we go!
1) Susan aka SOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE. “Ya Sooze, Ya loooooze”
FIRST 2 SUSAN’S ON GOOGLE IMAGE I KID YOU NOT.
2) Martha. If you aren’t Martha Stewart, according to google, you probably look like this:
3) Barbara aka BARRRRRRRRRRRB aka BABS aka NOT Bobwa Walters
4) Deborah aka Debbie aka DEBSSSSSSSSS
5) Marjorie/Margaret aka MARGGGGGGGGGG
OKAY, you get my point, the names are dated, as google image will further prove. Here are the rest of the names on my list:
6) Janice or Jannnnnnnnnnnnnnn
7) Roberta, Berta, Robie
11) Marsha aka MOSHAH
14) Patricia or Patty or Pat
18) Peggy, Peg, the Pegster!
20) Cindy/Cynthia aka THINDY!
So. Ya. That is my list of dated names – I just find it strange if you are 21 years old and your name is Martha. SORRY I’M NOT SORRY. If you want to start your own list of names that you think are dated, and put Jaclyn on there, then that is your prerogative. Just before you do so here is what comes up when I search the name “Jaclyn” on urban dictionary:
A beautiful and talented young women who is capable of singing, dancing, and looking great. Jaclyns are known to be tall, kindhearted, and extremely witty.
A word of French Origin.
Like, DUH. You saw my moves during “Sister Christian.” You’d think I wrote that myself…BUT I DIDN’T!
Are there names I am forgetting? Agree? Disagree? And PS – Regina would have been on this list if it weren’t for mean girls. These names can be saved!