Archives

All posts for the month April, 2013

What’s In A Name? A HELL OF A LOT.

Published April 25, 2013 by jaclynswartz

Bill Shakespeare once said:

“O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet”

Oh Juliet, aka Claire Dane’s – you are a big dumdum. If a rose were called something different, guarantee it wouldn’t smell just as sweet. I mean I’m no scientist or philosopher but…roses are just as aesthetically pleasing as tulips, especially when you press the sun button, blur the borders, and lo-fi that shit up. They both smell good, but I’m purdy sure that the VALUE of the rose is in the name, jackass. Not only that, but your dumb ass died because of it. While I probably would have refused to love anyone other than a 17 year old Leo in costume and behind a fish tank with wet hair, your death was brought upon you all because of a name.

OHMERGAWD. LADY TINGLES.

Unless you live under a rock, you know that actors create stage names. Tom Cruise’s name is really Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. Olivia Wilde’s real name is Olivia Jane Cockburn. I SWEAR I didn’t make that up. COCK BURN! I mean I couldn’t have, even that nickname is above my level of intelligence. Elle McPherson’s real name is Elenor Gow. LIKE, EW!! The list goes on.

Fast forward to my most and least favorite family (currently having an internal debate) in the world. The KARDASHIANS. Kris, Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kendall, Kylie….and…fat Rob. Well forget fat Rob, and let’s focus on the K ALLITERATION! What a trendy ass family. Do you think that was on purpose? You bet your ass it was. Do you think Kim K. would have married Kris or gotten knocked up by Kanye if their names didn’t start with K’s? I bet HER ass she wouldn’t have. And that is a very very…very..verrry large bet.

Predictions of their baby name have been “North” for…North West. Get it?!! Not to mention all of the other celeb kids who are destined to be strippers solely due to their names: apple, sparrow, harrow, marrow, rainbow, honor, tits mcgee, etc.

There are also names with white trash/slutty/hooker connotations as seen here:

AND, I was always told to NEVER date a guy with 2 first names, because they are trouble. Translation, where is my guy with 2 first names? AND WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IF YOUR NAME IS RICHARD, WOULD YOU GO BY DICK?

Nickname’s – a subdivision of names – are also the most fun thing ever. While generally mean-spirited they provide a ton of laughter for all involved. My friends and I have come up with some really great ones over the years. “Hat,” because some dude only looked good with a hat on, and yes we called him this to his face for 7 years…Gary…Lou…Bob…Bangs…Elaine…Brain…Terese…Weiner Dawg…Farmer…Bread…Avatar…and a ton of others that are way meaner and/or too obvious – gotta keep those names in the vault. mwahahaha.

Either way, my point is, names effing matter.

So, that brings me to the current blog discussion of….NAMES! Now, I could go in many different angles with this topic. However, I think, for the sake of what we are all interested in discussing, we should discuss girls names. Why? Because it’s catty and fucking funny. Like, really, I had this conversation with a bunch of girls the other week over wine, and we were keeling over in laughter.

The topic of discussion is names that still exist in present day that:

1) Should not

2) Are extremely dated

3) Are ugly

4) Are funny

5) Imply that something is really weird with your parents

6) Imply that you probably aren’t fun

7) Mean that you are trying so much harder than the average joe to overcompensate for that heinous name you were given

Now, there are a few names we can’t include in this topic and that would be biblical names. While I agree that most of them aren’t so trendy, it just wouldn’t be right. SO, having said that…Mary, Rebecca….and umm…umm…whatever the rest of them are “Can’t Touch This” – MC Hammer.

Anyway, I came up with a list of names, with the help of some of my girlfriends…and then decided to take it to the next level. I thought of the brilliant idea to google image each of these names to further prove my point. What pics would show up? You are soon to find out. Also, if your man crush is hooking up with someone with one of these names…it doesn’t matter the outcome. In the end, YOU WIN! Solely for the reason that it makes talking shit about that girl so much more entertaining. AM I RIGHT AM I RIGHT!?

CAVEAT: If your name is on this list, I don’t blame you, for you did not choose your birth name. What I DO blame you for is for not marching up to Capital Hill sooner and demanding a new name. Ball is in your court, sucka!

Here we go!

1) Susan aka SOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE. “Ya Sooze, Ya loooooze”

FIRST 2 SUSAN’S ON GOOGLE IMAGE I KID YOU NOT.

Hi, I'm with the IRS.

Hi, I’m with the IRS.

Dawn Weinah? Is that you?

Dawn Weinah? Is that you?

2) Martha. If you aren’t Martha Stewart, according to google, you probably look like this:

Clarification: I do not make delicious food recipes or do arts and crafts.

Clarification: I do not make delicious food recipes nor do I do arts and crafts. I do sew though!!

3) Barbara aka BARRRRRRRRRRRB aka BABS aka NOT Bobwa Walters

Omg, where did you get that cardi?!  Because I am going to that store and setting them all ablaze.

Omg, where did you get that cardi shirt combo?!

4) Deborah aka Debbie aka DEBSSSSSSSSS

It's google official.

It’s google official.

5) Marjorie/Margaret aka MARGGGGGGGGGG

Which way to the Sci-Fi Section?

Which way to the Sci-Fi Section?

OKAY, you get my point, the names are dated, as google image will further prove. Here are the rest of the names on my list:

6) Janice or Jannnnnnnnnnnnnnn

7) Roberta, Berta, Robie

8) Nancy

9) Karen

10) Linda

11) Marsha aka MOSHAH

12) Helen

13) Shelly

14) Patricia or Patty or Pat

15) Esther

16) Joyce

17) TIFF

18) Peggy, Peg, the Pegster!

19) Betsy

20) Cindy/Cynthia aka THINDY!

21) Tess

22) Tammy

23) FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

So. Ya. That is my list of dated names – I just find it strange if you are 21 years old and your name is Martha. SORRY I’M NOT SORRY. If you want to start your own list of names that you think are dated, and put Jaclyn on there, then that is your prerogative. Just before you do so here is what comes up when I search the name “Jaclyn” on urban dictionary:

A beautiful and talented young women who is capable of singing, dancing, and looking great. Jaclyns are known to be tall, kindhearted, and extremely witty.
A word of French Origin.

Like, DUH. You saw my moves during “Sister Christian.” You’d think I wrote that myself…BUT I DIDN’T!

Are there names I am forgetting? Agree? Disagree? And PS – Regina would have been on this list if it weren’t for mean girls. These names can be saved!

KBAI!
xx

Jac

Bachelor rose. Boom.

Bachelor rose. Boom.

The Bad Jeans Club: Hey Guy, you’re in it!

Published April 3, 2013 by jaclynswartz

Hi.

So I’ve definitely covered the deal breakers topic from both perspectives, but the last one I posted was the male rebuttal. Not only did I tell you that I would come up with more as time progresses, but I also can’t STAND to not have the last word on this matter. Even though I fought back in the ladies’ defense – my equilibrium still feels slightly off. I’m getting my mojo back, and also helping out the female eyeballs/the male fashion sense, but letting these men know…Hey jerkoff, your jeans are absolutely hideous and you are the friggin Prez of the Bad Jeans Club.

NOW – if you are a girl who likes these types of jeans on guys, then, we most definitely would not be friends. Ya know, to each their own, but maybe you should reevaluate your taste in Men’s jeans. Just saying.

The whole point of these “deal breakers” are that they are shallow YET CHANGEABLE. So cool your jets, psychos. This comes from a girl who quit soccer one year because I was assigned a Mustard Yellow jersey. I gave it another shot the following two seasons and was rewarded with Pastel Pink (OMGGGGGGGGG) followed by Hunter Green (still totes cool).

So here it goes: THE BAD JEANS CLUB – CONTRAST EFFING STITCHING.

You are sitting on the iron throne of the fugly jeans realm if you are wearing contrast stitching. I don’t know if you missed the memo, but Joffrey sucks and should die…as should these jeans.

People who wear these Jeans are either one or more of the following types:

1) Guys who also take selfies of their abs in the mirror. Sorry Tony Pieper, please buy some new jeans.

2) Guys who do NOT have any fashion sense – which is ok, you just need a girl like me to help you out.

3) Guys who once heard that true religion was cool, like 14 years ago, and decided to stick with it because they didn’t care to know any better. (Ser, A for effort. I actually don’t mind this, because it means you are a dude who once tried. But, time for a change!)

4) Guidos

5) Guys who take steroids

6) Guys who get spray tans (fake tanning, OK, spray tans….bahahahahahahaha)

7) Guys who wear chains, necklaces, earrings and jewelry other than a watch (please refer back to my deal breakers)

8) Guys who are on JDate

9) Guys with Frosted Tips

10) Guys who use the word “sexy” to describe cities or clubs

This is a real problem that may require a 12 step program, as most guys don’t like to admit that they have been walking around looking like a dumbass in their fave jeans for the last some odd years. I know friends who have secretly thrown out these jeans when found in their boyfriends’ closet. I also know people who stop guys on the streets with their friends and say “HEY GUY YOUR JEANS ARE UGLY,” then ask for a pic of their ass, and then laugh and run away with their friends.

Contrast stitching WITH a hint of Acid wash!? Double Whammy Jean Offender.

Contrast stitching WITH a hint of Acid wash!? Double Whammy Jean Offender.

“It wasn’t me.” -Shaggy

FYI – that guy was super hot. HE TOO CAN BE HELPED!

When I was out recently with a bunch of friends…I was walking behind my friend and her boyfriend. I am going to leave them anonymous right now, but I literally looked forward and shrieked in terror on the street. EVERYONE STOP. My friend’s boyfriend is an offender! Well, this only resulted in a photo shoot of his ass, where he took it upon himself to lean up against stranger’s cars and make a true male model of himself.

Even if you lean up against a rickety jalopy, the attention is going straight to the jeans. NO.

Even if you lean up against a rickety jalopy, the attention is going straight to the jeans. NO.

Took it like a champ.

And another friend of mine….who ever so graciously modeled these for me:

I wear my sunglasses at night.

I wear my sunglasses at night.

I am sorry I am not sorry to this friend who has told me he since cannot look at these jeans the same/wear them ever again. Mission accomplished! (You’re welcome Denise).

And the only thing worse than contrast stitching jeans….

CONTRAST STITCHING WITH FLAP POCKETS.

CONTRAST STITCHING WITH FLAP POCKETS.

Listen, contrast stitching by itself is rancid. Throw in embellished pockets/flap pockets – you might as well be dressed in a clown suit.

AND THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN CONTRAST STITCHING WITH FLAP POCKETS?

THIS.

This distressed contrast stiched embellished pocket jean jacket for men has just distressed the shit out of my day.

This distressed contrast stitched embellished pocket jean jacket for men has just distressed the shit out of my day.

That caption literally made me out of breath.

SO TO ALL MEN WEARING THESE JEANS TODAY…PANTS OFF…DANCE OFF.

XX
Jac

%d bloggers like this: