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All posts for the month May, 2013

Nostalgia Road – Things That Were Cool Back Then. Part One.

Published May 22, 2013 by jaclynswartz

Reminiscing is so much fun as long as you aren’t one of those losers who lives in the past. For that reason, when things of the past are brought up (even the asshole who once treated you like sh*t – this is funny now!) the laughter and excitement that comes with it is priceless.

I would like to take a trip down memory lane and share with you some things that were TOTALLY COOL, in the past. Ya know, in the days when “cool” was still a thing, because you were forced to hang out with the same people who somehow had the fake power to determine what was cool and what was not. Nowadays. there really is no such thing as “cool,” because you get to hang out with the people you actually want to.

Who am I kidding. There is still a thing as cool. And it’s in my corner.

Anyway, let’s start discussing. Chances are, if you had these items back in the day, you will probably get as equally as excited about this as I am writing it. I am going to jump around to different age ranges – but you’ll deal with it.

In fact, there are so many things I want to throw on this list. But we shall do it in parts. Part 1 will be materialistic belongings that do not include games. Games…TV Shows…etc…will be saved for another day.

Here goes it!

1) THIS EXACT New Kids On The Block sleeping bag. Not sure if they made another one, but if they did and you had it – that’s weird.

Hanging Tough. At sleepovers.

Hangin’ Tough. At sleepovers.

2) These plastic circle shirt pull through contraptions – remember how much it SUCKED when your shirt wasn’t long enough to tie in a knot? THE STRESS! Well, these solved that very serious problem.

Extra points if they were bedazzled. ALWAYS extra points for some sparkle.

Extra points if they were bedazzled. ALWAYS extra points for some sparkle.

3) PUPPY SURPRISE!  “surprise surprise puppy surprise how many puppies are there inside!!” The PREGGERS puppies – with the velcro stomach where baby puppies came out of. It was a surprise how many puppies they would have! Which, if the answer was 1 or 2 puppies only, resulted in me having a serious effing hissy fit and demanding a return and repurchase. Thanks Mom & Dad!

I WANT MORE BABIES I WANT MORE BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT MORE BABIES I WANT MORE BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4) Tamagotchi. I mean, this was the first early sign of my addictive personality. Try to tear that key chain away from me and you might lose your effing head. I NEED TO CLEAN UP ROBOT POOP AND MY TAMAGOTCHI NEEDS TO BE FED OR HE MIGHT DIE!!!!!!!!! Shoot, hold the phone, he just shit again.

I kind of wish I could take care of one RIGHT NOW.

I kind of wish I could take care of one RIGHT NOW.

5) Slap Bracelets. Simply cool because they were fun. But then they got banned from school because some ignoramouses (yes that is a word in my personal dictionary) hurt themselves while slapping. Thanks for ruining this experience for all of us.

Slap me.

Slap me.

6) Beanie Babies. I can’t even tell you how many of these I had. I could star in an entire episode of Hoarders based on my collection alone. In addition, I had a white Seal with a misplaced name tag (ie the Seal’s name was supposed to be “Seamore” but it read “Batty”) and I was convinced it was worth ONE MILLION dollars. In addition to the Princess Di Bear, any every other “limited edition” beanie baby…come to think of it, I believe EVERY beanie baby started to read “limited edition” — thus making them “must haves.” Jokes on us. Good one TY.

SEAMORE! Did you miss me!?

SEAMORE! Did you miss me!?

If this fad didn't end, I would have grown up to be THIS LADY.

If this fad didn’t end, I would have grown up to be THIS LADY.

7) POGS. Cardboard circles with designs and characters on them that were originally supposed to be a game, however, if you were a girl, they served no significance but to show off your collection. THE MORE THE BETTER. In fact, they became just so unmanageable that plastic cylindrical cases were necessary. From there, those pogs never saw the light of day. But they didn’t need to! Knowing and showing off that the cases were filled was enough to brag and say “I have more than you.” Suck it.

Kids are SO weird.

Kids are SO weird.

8) LISA FRANK EVERYTHING. From folders, to trapper keepers, to markers to stickers. One time I wrote “I ❤ Zach” in red marker on the inside of my Lisa Frank folder. Zack sat next to me in class. When I took my papers out, Zach saw this. I never forgot it. Speaking of, Urban is trying to bring back Lisa Frank. I may just have to buy it.

HONESTLY, THE COLORS!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HONESTLY, THE COLORS!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9) Speaking of stickers, sticker collections were VERY SERIOUS. I had my stickers in a laminate book. Sandy Lion stickers were my favorite. If you didn’t have Sandy Lion stickers in your collection then A) You were NEVER going to do business with me (I ran a tight sticker trading ship) and B) your collection was NOT good or valuable, and in turn, you were not cool.

The fuzzies were very classy.

The fuzzies were very classy.

10) The Laser background in every and all school pictures.

THIS ONE.

THIS ONE.

11) Polly. Effing. Pocket. Nothing says “cool” more than a portable mini doll playland. And I don’t care what you say, the free ones that came in your McDonald’s happy meals were NOT the same. Grow up.

Sidenote: This was something I did NOT share.

Another part of my hoarding past.

Another part of my hoarding past.

12) Scrunchies. No explanation needed.

Ahhhhh the days of no ponytail headache.

Ahhhhh the days of no ponytail headache.

13) The Bumble Ball. This shit kept my baby sister (and dogs) entertained for HOURS! Set it and forget it!

Give to baby. Watch baby vibrate.

Give to baby. Watch baby vibrate.

14) Keds. With Sparkle and Design. Is Stride Rite still a thing? Because going to Stride Rite was like better than 8 nights of Hannukah.

Someone please remind me why these are trying to be brought back....BY TAYLOR SWIFT NONETHELESS.

Someone please remind me why these are trying to be brought back….BY TAYLOR SWIFT NONETHELESS.

15) Best Friend Necklaces. Not sure why a broken heart resembled a BEST friendship, but whatevs, it soooooooooo did! Also, definitely only friends with maybe 1 of the 8 “other half best friend” recipients to this day. But hey, that says a lot. Hi Sam!

I love that I was cliquey in elementary school.

I love that I was cliquey in elementary school.

16) LOONEY TUNES CLOTHING. I had Keds with the Tasmanian Devil on them. I had shirts and leggings with patchwork. But most importantly, I had this jean jacket, and my Mom AND Dad each had this leather one. Pretty sure their leather jacket cost around $400. So worth it. NOTHING WAS COOLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I get excited even just typing about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cool to the Nth Power.

Cool to the Nth Power.

Who had cool parents?! THIS GIRL.

Who had cool parents?! THIS GIRL.

17) Writing on your backpack with Whiteout. You know the new monogrammed L.L. Bean backpack Mom just bought you? Well, ruined in negative 30 seconds by whiteout graffiti. Best friends’ initials, doodles, and designs. Maybe some paw prints and a 143 thrown in there for some girly flair.

Remember how much easier said graffiti was when these came out!?

Remember how much easier said graffiti was when these came out!?

This probz weighed 150 pounds if you were anything like me.

This probz weighed 150 pounds if you were anything like me.

18) Paris Blues. When Mudd became soooooo ’96.

Extra flare = Extra cool

Extra flare = Extra cool

19) Kate Spade Mini Backpacks. I mean, most shocking news of today? That Kate Spade is still around, and has great bags, shoes, & accessories (not a fan of the clothes). I mean HOW UGLY ARE THESE BACKPACKS?! Either way, back then, they were totally cool and a status symbol. Or, a status symbol that your parents had money. OR, THAT I BABYSAT EVERY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY FOR 6 MONTHS TO SAVE FOR THIS SHIT. I always worked hard for my money, haters. Anyways the words mini and backpack should never ever go together in a sentence for the rest of time.

A heinous geometric mini backpack.

A heinous geometric mini backpack.

And after the backpack, you probably graduated to this:

6a00e553bc02c9883301347ffc9492970c-800wi

Then this:

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And finally, to this, but not for any diaper purposes:

images (3)

20) The Tiffany’s Tag bracelet. Now that I brought up the Kate Spade backpack, I HAVE to mention the Tiffany’s bracelet, or where I come from, the “jap tag.” I also had the matching toggle necklace! Man this shit is ugly. And if you still are wearing this bracelet today, in 2013, 1) HAHAHAHAH 2) Throw it out.

Please return ALL to Tiffany's.

Please return ALL to Tiffany’s.

That concludes part 1!

Were you cool?

Do you agree, disagree? What did I miss?

XX

Jac

My Analysis of the Met Gala: The Good, The Bad and The Fugly

Published May 7, 2013 by jaclynswartz

Every year, the hottest celebs (with a few randos thrown in there) pull out all of the fashion stops for the Met Gala. I don’t need to explain what it is, because frankly I am not sure what goes on inside, and I’m pretty sure I’ll never know. But we can assume, there are a few speeches, alcohol, and a lot of coke blowing in the bathrooms.

Needless to say, we aren’t part of the fun, so let’s just focus on what’s important anyway. The red carpet.

Each year there is a theme, which you must base your fashion choice off of. Since some of you may be stupid, here are some past examples of Met Gala themes:

2008: Superheroes: Fashion & Fantasy

2009: Model as Muse: Embodying Fashion

2010: American Woman: Fashioning a National Identity

2011: Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty

2012: Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations

Which brings us to this year’s theme:

2013: PUNK: Chaos to Couture

Now, when I judge the looks, I base it off of how well their dresses translated to the theme. This has to be so difficult to pull off, while still looking amazing – which is why my top picks should receive extra brownie points and thank whatever poor human being sat there hand making their dress. So, without further ado, here are my favorite/least favorite looks of the evening, separated by appropriate categories and RANKED starting with my top pick.

BEST DRESSED OF THE NIGHT: PUNK, FROM CHAOS TO COUTURE:

1) Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in Gucci

Just absolutely perfect from head to toe.

Most beautiful woman in the world.

Most beautiful woman in the world.

2) Rooney Mara in Givenchy Couture (Riccardo Tisci)

Granted this isn’t much of a stretch for the normally punky Rooney, but she absolutely killed it. The lips were a perfect “cherry on top” for the finish. She’s so murderer-chic.

The Girl with The Dragon Tatoo does Punk. Picture that!

The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo does Punk. Picture that!

3) Cara Delevingne in Burberry

Not sure who the hell she is, but this bitch nailed it! Spikes, makeup, jewelry, plunging neckline…Shes also super friggin hot and I feel extremely depressed that I don’t look like her.

She has perfected the "fuck me" eyes

She’s just eye fucking anyone and everyone in sight.

4) Anne Hathaway in Vintage Valentino (1992)

YES, YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. “I don’t caaaaaaare, I love it!” I am assuming she went blonde SPECIFICALLY for this occasion (she WOULD), but it doesn’t even matter. Anne/Annie looks ridiculous in this dress. Anyone who has seen “Love and Other Drugs” knows that this ahole of a woman has the best boobs in the biz. This dress flaunts her side boob in a serious but tasteful way, her body looks insane, and her make up is flawless. DID I MENTION THIS EVENT DID NOT REQUIRE HER TO TALK? PLUS 10.

She looks amaze, so sue me.

She looks amaze, so sue me.

5) Kate Bosworth in Balmain

The dress says it all, the hair, not so much — but who needs more when you are wearing a Balmain mini?

You bet your ass if I were to attend I'd be in a balmain mini dress.

You bet your ass if I were to attend a “punk” themed met gala, I’d be in Balmain.

6) Sienna Miller in Burberry

She’s baaaaaaaaaack! The hot Sienna we all know and love (I was afraid she let herself go there for a few years). While the white gown underneath is on the more simple side, the fact that she mix and matched elegant with punky gave me some tingles. Her hair, her jewelry AND THAT JACKET! Siiiiiiiiigh. THAT JACKET.

so.effortlessly.stunning.

so.effortlessly.stunning.

7) Christina Ricci in Vivienne Westwood Couture

This girl took a risk, and personally I think it paid off. The dress totally fits the theme and she pulls it off. Aside from when I wanted to slice her eyeballs out in a fit of jealous rage when she hooked up with Devon Sawa in “Casper,” I have had a thing for Christina Ricci FOR YEARS. I am absolutely convinced she’s one of the coolest chicks to walk this earth.

Wednesday Adams, looooookin' good.

Wednesday Adams, looooookin’ good.

8) Miley Cyrus in Marc Jacobs

This is the one time I will say I love Miley’s hair. Other than that, it needs to effing go. Don’t you just hate it when cute people electively make themselves look worse? Wait, I take that back…I love it.

Anyways, people were bitching that this dress looked a lot like Kate Moss’ Marc Jacobs dress back in the day. But, I think it was completely different. Miley sparkled and oozed confidence, and for that, she’s on this list.

Cockatoo me, baby.

Cockatoo me, baby.

Totally diff to me.

Totally diff to me.

9) Jessica Biel in Giambattista Vallie Couture

Aside from her fake nose ring she sported, the dress is so fashion forward and could be translated as “punk” any day of the week. Clearly the showstopping factor here is the caged look of the pants under the dress.

You are probably going home to have sex with JT later. Life isn't fair.

You are probably going home to have sex with JT later. Life isn’t fair.

10) Allison Williams in Altuzarra

For a girl who is just breaking into the “scene,” I am SO HAPPY she went a little nutso with her dress choice. This is different, the sheer inserts are sexy, and I love that it has a gothic punk vibe. Love it or hate it, this girl is on the up and up especially with this dress choices.

Do you think Brian Williams watched that scene where she fingered herself in the bathroom? I’ve wondered this for over a year.

Up and comer!

Up and comer!

HONORABLE MENTIONS: YOU DANCED ON THE LINE OF MY BEST DRESSED, BUT JUUUUUST MISSED IT.

Minka Kelly in Carolina Herrera

Too pretty to leave off this list. Dress is gorgeous, but more Victorian than punky.

Too pretty to leave off this list. Dress is gorgeous, but more Victorian than punky.

Jamie King in Topshop

She is just the cutest. And probably one of the only people who can pull off a lady suit without looking like a lesbo.

She is just the cutest. And probably one of the few people who can pull off a lady suit without looking like a lesbo.

Looks amazing, but not punky enough for me.

Looks amazing, but not punky enough for me.

Nina Dobrev in Monique Lhuillier

Tell Boone I say hi!

Tell Boone I say hi!

Emmy Rossum in Donna Karan Atelier

Hair and makeup detail was so cool.

Hair and makeup detail fierce.

Kristen Stewart in Stella McCartney

I really do dig K Stew's style on a consistent basis.

I really do dig K Stew’s style on a consistent basis.

Jennifer Lopez in Michael Kors

Just J.Lo being J.Lo.

Just J.Lo being J.Lo.

Stacy Keibler in Rachel Roy

I think I need to hire Brad Goreski. He's been so on point with Stacy.

I think I need to hire Brad Goreski. He’s been so on point with Stacy.

AND…………KHALEESI in Ralph Lauren

Dragons all day.

Dragons all day.

WORST DRESSED OF THE NIGHT: PUNK, FROM CHAOS TO COUTURE:

AT LEAST YOU TRIED!

1) Katy Perry in Dolce & Gabbana 

This dress is so gross to me, and I cannot understand why this girl tries SO hard to be weird and constantly makes herself look ugly? UGHHHHH.

You belong in the Louvre.

You belong in the Louvre.

2) Ginnifer Goodwin in Tory Burch

Her make up literally gives her a modern-day unibrow and the dress does negatron things for her figure. Scary. Fail.

I want my mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want my mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3) Elle Fanning in Rodarte
Bahahahah. No.
You're young, but I am NOT using that as an excuse for you anymore.

You’re young, but I am NOT using that as an excuse for you anymore.

4) Beyonce in Givenchy Haute Couture by Riccardo Tisci

I love you Bey, but this was not flattering 😦

I hope I do not get murdered for putting Bey on this list.

I hope I do not get murdered for putting Bey on this list.

5) Kim Kardashian in  Givenchy by Ricardo Tisci

While she looked like my grandmother’s couch, I honestly don’t think she was THE worst. But, yeah, it was pretty awful. The camoflauged hand/glove thing was a cool idea, but not in this print. ALSO – THE ONE TIME YOU DECIDE NOT TO WEAR BLACK? Go figure. She does all of this on purpose, to create a buzz, I am 100% sure of it.

Fun game, go stand against those curtains and I'll let you know if I can still see you!

Fun game, go stand against those curtains and I’ll let you know if I can still see you!

6) Nicki Minaj in Tommy Hilfiger

What is wrong with her? I haven’t watched American Idol, but I hear she’s bat shit cray.

She legit could be a member of KISS.

She legit could be a member of KISS.

7) Sarah Jessica Parker in a Giles gown and Philip Treacy headpiece

Seriously, SEX AND THE CITY IS OVAH.

This is why I am convinced she thinks she is ACTUALLY Carrie Bradshaw. Just stop!

This is why I am convinced she thinks she is ACTUALLY Carrie Bradshaw. Just stop!

8) Solange Knowles in Kenzo

I hate the hair and the dress is just fugly.

Channeling Foxxy Cleopatra.

Channeling Foxxy Cleopatra.

9) Ashley Olsen in Vintage Dior

I had high hopes and she let me down. WHAT IS THAT?

Probs a REALLY expensive shmata.

Probs a REALLY expensive shmata.

10) Nicole Richie in Topshop

Oh, wait.

Oh, wait.

I really do miss the Simple Life Nicole. Remember how funny she was when she was on heroine?

I really do miss the Simple Life Nicole. Remember how funny she was when she was on heroine?

I also have to say that Taylor Swift was very VERY close to making this list. I already am not a fan, but she compeletely ruined her look by throwing her hair in a high up half pony like I used to do in the 2nd grade.

And FINALLY this category:

MY NAME IS ___________________ AND I THINK I AM TOO GOOD TO HONOR ANY SORT OF THEME WHATSOEVER. ALSO, I AM NO FUN.

Anna Wintour – It’s my party and I’ll wear whatever I want to. DUH.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Gwyneth Paltrow DUH.

050713-met-ball-gwyneth-350

Katie Holmes DUH. (At least she went with Pacey. She got one thing right!)

050713-Katie-Holmes-350

Lindsey Vonn DUH.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Dylan Lauren, okay, so I guess she has a reason seeing as her last name is Lauren.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Kate Upton, not a DUH. I was surprised. I could seriously wear this to my sister’s graduation this weekend. BO-RING.

Kate upton DVF

Want to know what I surprisingly didn’t hate? THIS.

MK in Vintage Chanel.

MK in Vintage Chanel.

And just because…we are going to end with this…ABOVE ALL ELSE.

227146-gisele-bundchen-tom-brady MetBall20092 gisele-bundchen-1-300x400 "PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala Gisele-Bundchen-Tom-Brady-2011-Met-Gala-Pictures Gisele-Bundchen-Tom-Brady-Met-Gala-Pictures-2012050713-Gisele-Bundchen-Tom-Brady-350Tom+Brady+Gisele+Bundchen+2011+MET+Costume+t-otTpWWLDbx 1336481431_tom-brady-gisele-budchen-article gisele-bundchen-tom-brady-versace-met-gala-2009

FML.

I realize that there are A listers who weren’t mentioned here, but THERE WERE A LOT OF DRESSES HAPPENIN’ LAST NIGHT.

So, let me know what your opinions are, I’d love to hear!

Til next year.

XX
Jac

Fashion Spotlight: Samantha Faye Necklaces & a blondhairdontcare discount!

Published May 6, 2013 by jaclynswartz

As you should know by now, I am really into fashion, hair, and all the latest trends….and accessories rank extremely high on both my fashion and importance scales.

As a caveat, any sort of fashion/clothes/accessories item you see here — will always be an accurate depiction of my style choices…I would never want to share an item with you guys that I wouldn’t wear. I CANNOT have my readers running around looking all cheesy and gross.

So, my newest discovery and obsession are Samantha Faye necklaces (http://shopsamanthafaye.com/). They are cute, dainty, girly, and trendy all in one. Not only that, but you can shorten or elongate the chains which makes them PERFECT for layering.

The collection has all different categories of charms and colors (silver, gold, rose gold), ANNNND her owl necklace was JUST featured in US Weekly in this weeks issue, seen here:

If Suri has one, YOU SHOULD TOO.

If Suri has one, YOU SHOULD TOO. Mommy/Daughter pairs available too!

I just recently got the Apple necklace from the “Modern Classic” Collection in rose gold. I cant wait to buy a second necklace to layer — I will probably go with either the cupcake or the pineapple. Super cute (And only $68)!!!!

My apple necklace in rose gold.

My apple necklace in rose gold.

In addition, for Blondhairdontcare.com readers, Samantha gave us a discount to utilize….10% off any purchase! So perhaps YES to both the cupcake AND the pineapple??

Oh and PS: Unless you are living under a rock you know that PINEAPPLES ARE TOTALLY IN THIS SUMMER.

Here is the discount:

BHDC10

USE IT AND ABUSE IT!

SHOP HER NECKLACES HERE: http://shopsamanthafaye.com/

Don’t you just love “knowing” me?!

Comment and let me know which ones you got! I will also try to help you make some decisions!

XX

Jac

Move over Moishe, this Jewish Hunk is taking over!

Published May 6, 2013 by jaclynswartz

You know you need to clear your cookies when the ads following you around the internet are Shopbop, Nordstrom, the Neon Yellow Kate Spade pumps I looked at on Saks, Hautelook, and Steve Madden…

ANYWAY, another ad that seems to be following me around, for some odd reason is JDate. I go on to facebook, and literally, every…friggin…time the SAME ad keeps showing up.

I do not indicate I am Jewish on facebook, nor have I ever had an online dating account…ever…but for some reason the robot behind this JDate ad is RELENTLESS.

Back to the Jew thang…I kind of wish we could have bat mitzvahs at 22 instead of 13. I mean, think about it!! The themes would be so much cooler, there would be so much more alcohol, more people would enjoy them since your circle of friends would be that much larger, and instead of a greyhound bus (where we all know what happened in the last 3 rows) we could have party buses with stripper poles. Oh and there would be no braces, acne, and awkward phases. Speaking of bat mitzvah themes, the “what was YOUR bar/bat mitzvah theme” conversation is LITERALLY the best way to get to know somebody.

1) If you were the person who “didn’t have a theme” you are probably boring as fak. Like not only were you not creative enough to think of your own theme, but your parents probably also controlled your bar/bat mitzvah too much and wanted flower centerpieces. Blech!

LIKE, OKAY....This is totally age appropes. Nawt.

LIKE, OKAY….This is totally age appropes. Nawt.

2) If you are a dude and your theme was NOT sports, sports related, casino ($$ related), vacation related, or camp…then I would SERIOUSLY like to read your middle school diary. And yes, this probably means you had one.

While this acrostic poem (googled that) is great in theory, a "Science" theme was surely not getting Adam to 2nd base.

While this acrostic poem (googled that) is great in theory, a “Science” theme was surely not getting Adam to 2nd base.

3) Girls — anything goes, really. But if your theme was “shopping” then you are probably unoriginal and tried too hard to make friends.

Yawn.

Yawn.

4) Sign. In. Boards. YES. Did you have a sign in “book” ??? Ew. Did you have a HUGE board with decor on the borders, and perhaps even a blown up cut out of yourself? COOLNESS. Did your besties RESERVE all the prime real estate and maybe even write in a special color sharpie/metallic silver paint pen?

I wish my name was Dylan SO BADLY soley for this reason.

I wish my name was Dylan SO BADLY solely for this reason.

5) Was there a kids buffet that was separate from the adults? Like pigs in a blanket, pasta, chicken fingers, and make your own sundaes? WAIT – YOU DIDN’T HAVE A MAKE YOUR OWN SUNDAE BAR FOR DESSERT?!?! You should reevaluate your life choices.

Where's Jaclyn? Oh, she's going for round 18 of buttered noodles at the kiddie buffet.

Where’s Jaclyn? Oh, she’s going for round 18 of buttered noodles at the kiddie buffet.

6) You didn’t give out a tee shirt, sweatpants, pajama pants, scrubs, boxers, or sweatshirts? I’m sorry, something suddenly came up and I have to end this conversation right now…bye!

This sweatshirt is so embarssingly awful that I had to use it as my example.

This sweatshirt is so embarrassingly awful that I had to use it as my example.

So, my theme? It was a “Carnival.” I LOVED IT. My centerpieces were carousel horses with a shit ton of glitter, I had a cotton candy and slush stand, & kids buffet for days. Not only that, but I was bat mitzvahed in Israel, so none of my friends had to go to services!!! YOU’RE WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My tee shirts that I gave out said “Under The Big Top With Jaclyn: Admit One” which has so many sexual connotations and I may or may not slap my parents later for approving my design and slogan.

I could talk all day about bat mitzvahs, but really the whole point of this blog was that JDate has been following me around facebook…and honestly, I haven’t been to temple since I was 13 so I am surprised blackpeoplemeet.com or christianmingles.com hasn’t started following me around too….WHAT GIVES!

In any case, the advertisement that I keep seeing has a picture posted of a “happy couple” that met on Jdate. HERE IS THAT PHOTO:

Hello Hunky Hunkman.

Hello Hunky Hunkman.

NOW, I don’t mean to be a glass half empty kind of girl, and perhaps I am wrong and there is a huge pool of hunks on JDate, but THERE IS NO CHANCE THIS GUY IS ON JDATE. Just absolutely no way. I don’t even think he’s Jewish? I can’t even tell you what the girl in the pic with him looks like, because I cannot get past looking at his face.

I am all for people finding love on these websites, because I know many people who have, and I know that it works. But if someone has an active account on JDate, I would really like to know if a) this man exists and b) are there others of his kind?

I actually decided not to clear my cookies so that his picture continues to pop up on my feed.

AND THAT’S, THAT.

XX

Jac

25 Things You Don’t Know About Me. Because US Weekly Didn’t Call.

Published May 3, 2013 by jaclynswartz
"I have little baby tiny mini dwarf hands that are disproportional to my body." Oh wait, I knew that already.

“I have little baby tiny mini dwarf hands that are disproportional to my body.” Oh wait, I knew that already.

So, like, for SOME ungodly reason US Weekly has not approached me to do an exclusive “25 Things You Don’t Know About Jaclyn Swartz” piece (I’m looking at YOU Jen Peros…). I meeeeeean, if you are going to do one on Ryan Lochte, then everyone should have a fair chance of being selected. He probably just wrote “there is much more to me than swimming,” 25 times over.

ANYWAY, ugh, I guess if they aren’t going to do one on me, I feel like it’s my duty to write one myself. As if you haven’t learned enough about me from Bachelor…Bachelor Pad…Facebook…Twitter…Instagram…Four Sqaure…Snap Chat…Vine…here is some more!

1) I despise, I LOATHE raw onions. It’s the smell – they just smell absolutely rancid. I can smell it from a mile away. Outside, inside, doesn’t matter, get those effing things away from me. If you eat them, I judge you. If you eat them in my vicinity, I yell at you. I have hissy fits in the office when I can smell it. They aren’t allowed to be eaten in my apartment, and my coworkers have stopped (FOR THE MOST PART, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) putting them on their salads. Also, why would you CHOOSE to eat raw onions? They make you smell awful. Seriously, a cute girl eating onions? Get a grip, act like a lady. You nastay.

Sidenote: This condition ONLY applies to raw onions. RAW. If you grill em, sautee em, caramelize em…you’re golden!

Hi, it's me, satan. I am the devil.

Hi, it’s me, Satan. I am the devil.

2) I am PETRIFIED of “Characters.” When I was little, my parents took us to Disney World, and we had dinner in one of those Disney Hotels – where the Characters would walk through the restaurant and say hi to all the tables and kids. I was THAT child that was screaming and shrieking and ruining everyone else’s family fun at what is supposed to be the happiest place on earth. NO EFFING CHANCE. Now, when I still see them (and there are a ton in times square) I veer the other way and walk really fast to pass them. I CANNOT look them in the eye. I also can’t really put my finger on why I am so scared of them. Because, in all seriousness, I am totally cool with the fact that the man underneath the costume is a pedophile rapist murderer. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest! It’s more so something about the costume and the fact that they come at you with weird movements and no voice.

Elmo probs has a red rocket in this particular moment, but that's not what scares me.

Elmo probs has a red rocket in this particular scenario, but I’m confident that’s not what scares me.

3) I have a mental disorder called Twitter anxiety. I have serious freak outs when I lose twitter followers. My coworkers are the ones that have to deal with it. It’s a real thing. It’s like, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!?!?!? If I tweet too much, I lose em. If I don’t tweet, I lose em. When I’m brilliantly funny, I friggin lose em. Ashley Tisdale could tweet a picture of a white wall and get 9409503247829 favorites and retweets. WHAT GIVES?! Another annoying thing I do? Brag when my klout score goes up. Ya know, that fake scale of social media coolness that means absolutely nothing and gives you the shittiest of shitty perks ever? Ya, that.

Xannie bars all day erryday.

Xannie bars all day erryday.

4) I LOVE KELLY CLARKSON. When Kell got engaged I was happier than when a lot of people I personally know got engaged. I mean, all those years people thought she was a lesbo! Shame on you. People criticizing her weight! Shame on you. Kell doesn’t give a dog fak. She just is who she is, and continues to make AMAZE songs. Voice of an angel. In the words of Christina “You’re beautiful, just the way you are (Kell).” Note: this does NOT apply to Christina herself.

She can do NO wrong.

She can do NO wrong.

5) My first concert ever was New Kids On The Block with my Dad. I was OBSESSED with Joey MacIntyre. If you were a Jordan Knight kinda girl, EW. That’s like being a J.C. girl. A Kevin girl. A Slater girl. Same diff. Who ever goes for the 2nd best? Oh wait, I know who does…underachievers and losers. ANYWAYS…20 years later, I sat next to Joey at a KELLY CLARKSON CONCERT! We chatted. My 7 year old self was peeing on herself. My 27 year old self wanted to jump his bones. Neither happened. Good and bad I guess. Whatevs.

Is it illegal if this still turns me on?

Is it illegal if this still turns me on?

Stop. It. Right. Now. I can't.

Stop. It. Right. Now. I can’t.

6) I HATE WATER. If you love water, you are lying. It’s tasteless, and so are you. I drink it solely to avoid hospitalization for dehydration. Someone once told me it’s essential or some shit.

7) While the local news drives me absolutely crazy – I think it’s the funniest thing in the world. Are these news anchors for real?! Some of the stories they come up with are so mindnumbingly stupid. I mean, I am convinced that they hire drunk homeless people to drum up their headlines. Is there any way we can cancel the local news?

Well.......THIS is awkward.

Well…….THIS is awkward.

Leprechaun on the loose!!!!!!!!

Leprechaun on the loose!!!!!!!!

"You are so DUMB. Hide ya kids, hide ya wives, and hide ya husbands...cuz their rapin everyone out there!" Thanks, Antoine.

“You are so DUMB. Hide ya kids, hide ya wives, and hide ya husbands…cuz their rapin everyone out there!” Thanks, Antoine.

Ok let’s NOT cancel the local news. I take that back. In a very serious way.

7) I am OBSESSED with good girls gone bad. And no, not the RiRi kind. She’s just a good girl making bad decisions. Amanda Bynes: Case & Point. I am so obsessed with her, I wouldn’t think it was weird if she got a restraining order against me. I talk about her ALL the time. I lose sleep over her well being. I lose sleep over the fact that I haven’t run into her yet. I lose sleep over wondering how she managed to get camel toe in baggy white sweatpants. Where did she purchase her plastic adidas sandals? Lady Foot Locker? Why did she put stones in her face? Why does she think she’s fat? Why is one eye always half closed and the other rolling into the back of her head? Why does she have conversations with herself? Why does she only like her apartment to be lit with red light bulbs? GURL I’D CRY TOO IN GYMNASTICS CLASS IF MY WIG FELL OFF WHEN I TRIED TO DO A CARTWHEEL. It’s obvious I need to do a whole post dedicated to this girl.

Hey sir, which way to slutty hogwarts please?

Hey sir, which way to slutty hogwarts please?

Stop smoking it and go back to normal Amanda from She's The Man and What I Like About You!!! Shoulda never let Zano go.

Stop smoking it and go back to normal Amanda from She’s The Man and What I Like About You!!! Shoulda never let Zano go.

8) I love funky nail polish colors. You would not see me caught dead in ballet slippers, cotton candy, or any other color that should be called “boring” or “suzi says boring.” YOU ARE WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR NAILS. Achem, right now, I am wearing “Butler Please.”

These are not my actual nails. Just some strangers. VISUAL!

These are not my actual nails. Just some strangers. VISUAL!

9) I get my shine on. I am obsessed with sequins, glitter & rhinestones. I also had a minor stroke when playing marry, fuck, kill with these 3 things. It is also sick that I played that game based on sparkles. I should find a hobby. And now that you are all curious…Marry: Rhinestones, Fuck: Sequins, Kill: Glitter. If you don’t understand how you can marry, fuck, or kill these items, take a hike.

Glitter suicide, bitches!

Glitter suicide, bitches!

10) I live my life in organized chaos. When things are put in their appropriate places, I CAN NEVER FIND IT. So, I prefer a little mess. I do clean, but usually for the cleaning lady. One of life’s more perplexing anomalies.

No chance. But continue to dream big!

No chance. But continue to dream big!

11) While my beautiful long tresses are stunningly gorgeous, I cannot take the credit. Because it ain’t mine. I have extensions. They are a life changer. DO IT. Get them. Don’t eat for 3 weeks to pay for em…whatever you need to do. DO it. I also have serious hair envy. This could potentially be 2 separate things about me, but since I enjoy talking about myself, I wanted to save a number.

Fakey McFakerstein.

Fakey McFakerstein. (I’m talking about the hair, not my personality).

12) THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE.

IS HE FUCKING NUTS?!?!??!

IS HE FUCKING NUTS?!?!??!

Just end my life right then and there, please.

Just end my life right then and there, please.

13) I have a lot of best friends. Just got so many of dem bitches that I gotta bucket them. CATEGORIES people. My best friend from camp, home, college, bachelor, work, the city. SO, when I am constantly saying “she’s my best friend” – just ask from which bucket if you want to know the deets.

Barbie in a bucket. She's totes my best friend from childhood!!

Barbie in a bucket. She’s totes my best friend from childhood!!

15) Which brings me to the fact that I only hang out with pretty people. I want my friends to be good looking. Bottom line. Why would you want to hang out with uglies? You are who your friends are. They are a representation of YOU. It allllllllllllll comes back to yourself. If you hang out with ugly people, that SCREAMS you are insecure. So does changing your profile picture 287 times a day. And you know whats gross? Insecurity.

You're in!

You’re in! Minus the fact that your name is Helen.

16) I have a shopping problem, so join me why don’t you? Peruse my virtual closet here: https://www.stylitics.com/JaclynSwartz

17) I am a straight up weirdo. I recently received the below screen grab from my friend Kelly with a text reading “What is wrong with you.” A humbling moment, maybs. But you know what’s wrong with me? Nothing. When I find something I’m obsessed with, I over-like.  Get over it. Maybe one day it will be you.

I also just showed you how important teeth are. You're welcome.

I also just showed you how important teeth are. You’re welcome.

18) The sound of people clipping their nails does not bother me in the slightest when it is coming from a bathroom. Change up the bathroom scenery and the noise of someone clipping their nails (i.e. in their office) could make me have a heart attack. If you DO clip your nails outside of a bathroom, you are most likely a creeper and probably eat your boogers.

I think I just squashed all defense to the booger eating comment. I mean....

I think I just squashed all defense to the booger eating comment. I mean….

19) That reminds me….I HATE taking the subway. And please don’t push me into the tracks. I stand far behind the yellow line so this doesn’t happen to me. At least push the asshole who’s standing close to the ledge!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!

Beyonce in a cab? Damn right. That's where I belong too.

Beyonce in a cab? Damn right. That’s where I belong too.

20) I love cheese. CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE. “My favorite’s gouda!”- Viola as her twin bro Sebastian (Love ya Bynes, unblock me??)

CheeeEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeze. Didn't we lock you in a dumpster? YEAH. I GOT OUT.

CheeeEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeze. Didn’t we lock you in a dumpster?
YEAH. I GOT OUT.

21) I am the best tuner outter on the face of this earth. It’s mostly because I am too wrapped up in my own shit and I am also fairly disinterested in what you have to say. Unless I can somehow turn the conversation back on me, chances are I’ve tuned you out, like 5 minutes ago ya ding dong.

Oh, were you talking?

Oh, were you talking?

22) My favorite candy is Sour Patch Kids. Since the package says fat-free, they are also good for you and part of the essential food groups.

I'm hungry

I’m hungry

23) Speaking of candy, I don’t work out. SUCKERS! I tried to work out for like a month about 4 years ago — I got through 2 weeks of going to the gym and COULDN”T STAND washing my hair that much. So I stopped. I went to one Soul Cycle class about a year ago, and while I died and my vj was sore for weeks, I observed that most of the regulars were fat and therefore convinced myself that spin class makes you fat and I am better off with out it.

My birthday is August 5th. Just saying.

My birthday is August 5th. Just saying.

24) Aside from humor, a guy who brings their SOCK A-GAME is a huge turn on for me. I mean sock swagger is SO TELLING of a personality. It’s nice to see a guy who doesn’t stop caring at his waste…or ankles…

I'M YOURS!!!!!!!

I’M YOURS!!!!!!!

25) I was in AEPHI for 2 years. That is, until I was sent to standards for having alcohol in my room. That’s when it was pretttttttttttttttttty clear it was not for me. In addition, “many hearts, one purpose” sounds like a mormon polygamist suicide mission. A little weird right? Well in any case, fun while it lasted so I figured I’d give those chicks a shout out. WHY WASN’T REBECCA MARTINSON IN OUR HOUSE?! She shoulda been. Epic fail on Maryland’s AEPHI rush chair. LML, bitches!!!!

The good ole dayz.

The good ole dayz.

So, hopefully you all learned something new about me. Maybs 25 things? Wild guess. I could think of a ton more but I’ll save it for another day. I’m tired, and to be honest, sometimes blogging is fucking annoying. So quit your bitching and stop tweeting me complaints that I don’t post enough. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT AHOLES. Thanks!

XX
Jac

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