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Top 5’s and Number 1’s – LAY OFF MY CELEB CRUSHES.

Published July 26, 2013 by jaclynswartz

It’s time to discuss a very serious matter. That matter is the game of “Top 5” and “Number 1.” If you don’t use these in your everyday vernacular then you should probably go see a pediatrician.

But just in case someone hit you over the head with a frying pan 5 minutes ago (it’s poss), here is how it works.

Everyone has celebrity crushes (guy and girl crushes, obv) and let’s say someone talks about their love for…err…Bradley Cooper, for example, there is a good chance someone in the room will say OH HELLLLLLLLLLL NAH, he’s my number 1, he’s mine, you can’t talk about him, I’m marrying him, it’s going to happen. He might already be married, and there is a slim chance you know him, but this response is totally normal. The obsession works both ways. For instance, a girl can also be your number 1. Since these decisions are really taxing and VERY hard to make, the rule has been expanded to choosing a top 5. And no, I’m not talking about not the lame-o potato T-Mobile Top 5. If that is what you thought I was talking about you probably have a serious mental illness with schizophrenic tendencies (Bynes reference, we’ll get there) because 1) you are losery enough to make a “top 5” – like I’m pretty sure just dialing the number is the same amount of steps…and aren’t nights and weekends free minutes? I am seriously perplexed by the purpose of this and 2) you have T-Mobile?! EW followed by 20 Million “ha has.” I mean on a serious level, when someone asks you who your mobile carrier (whoa that just made me sound so proper) is, you don’t feel the LEAST bit uncomfortable admitting that you have T-Mobile? Lies. You do. You know it. Get off your family plan or work plan stat, because it’s pretty clear that you didn’t choose that yourself if you have any smidgen of integrity.

Sorry boyz, you're not making this any more appealing.

Sorry boyz, you’re not making this any more appealing.

MOVING ALONG, the top 5 are the other 4 floaters that you also still are either in love with and or want to  sleep with/could get a hall pass from your significant other if you really played your cards right. I mean, people, I’m serious; these top 5’s are realistic lists. It can happen.

So if you are a girl, which most of you are, except for the guys who are secretly reading this because I know this shit is equally as entertaining for you, your number 1 girl/top 5 girls would be the girl you basically wished you looked like/could be. However, there are rules. Models are ABSOLUTELY off limits; let’s consider that “cheating” per se. In addition, that is a whole other game I play every year when the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show airs. “Who’s your fave VS model” is a very hard, anxiety driving, mindf*ck, if you will, because every time a hot skinny bitch comes down that runway, I change my mind and have an internal conflict and get like 7 stress pimples over who is my actual fave. Now I know you obviously all want to know my answer to that game… so, FYI I am sticking with Candice Swanepoel for now…but Erin Heatherton is a close 2nd…and I cannot forget my obsession with Lily Aldridge…ugh shit, it’s happening. SEE. (Now popping a Xanax).

1) Candice

I CAN'T.

I CAN’T.

2) Erin

WAIT....

WAIT….

3) Lily

OKAY NOW HAVING HEART ATTACK.

OKAY NOW HAVING HEART ATTACK.

Another rule…once you choose a Top 5/Number 1, it doesn’t need to permanently be your list. The times, they are a changing. For instance, Amanda Bynes. I am going to admit that she was never on my list; I really want to cry for admitting that because you know I love her so much, but she definitely was on some rabid fan girl of the Amanda Show’s list 10 years ago. It pains me to say it, but I am not about to keep someone in my top 5 who is drowning there pup in gasoline, crashing nursing homes, shaving their head, putting weird piercings in their face, and  wearing Adidas sandals with socks around Manhattan chain smoking stoges. YA KNOW?! Also, not so into talking to myself while eating split pea soup.

Anyway, this game, for me, dates back to college where we would sit around eating cereal with cool whip, in our sweatpants, watching Laguna Beach and talking about very important things like this. Here are the girls who were featured as my group of friends’ Number 1’s in 2006.

Me: Kiera Knightley. No explanation needed here. She is a timeless beauty, I feel really good about my 2006 choice, but she’s not my number 1 today.

Shelby: Siena Miller. Great work Shelby. Siena is also a timeless beauty. Girl can do no wrong in my book and has a GREAT sense of style. (FYI Shelby’s #1 guy in 2006 was Rob Lowe. We laughed about this then, but I get it now. Sorry Shelby.)

Dorian: Catherine Zeta Jones. Respectable choice, Dorian. Still gorgeous, since bipolar, with a husband who admittedly has gone down on a lot of women.

Megan: Mischa Barton. Once hot, but now an utter fail Megan. This is a perfect example of why the “non-permanent” rule exists. See exhibit A. Mischa then versus Mischa now.

MISCHA THEN:

Marissa Cooper, you complete me.

Marissa Cooper, you complete me.

MISCHA NOW:

AHHH WHERE DO I LOOK? NO SERIOUSLY, WHERE DO I LOOK!????!

AHHH WHERE DO I LOOK? NO SERIOUSLY, WHERE DO I LOOK!????!

Ilana: Rachel Bilson. What a dark horse! Rachel is so gorgeous, great style, has such a hot boyfriend/fiancé/broken up/back on/fiancé Hayden Christensen. She is often overlooked, and I think has stood the test of time. A++, Ilana.

CLEARLY WE WERE HUGE FANS OF THE OC. Also, the NORTH SHORE. So pissed that show got cancelled. AND REMEMBER REUNION!? We never even found out who the murderer was. I should seriously see if I can get in contact with the writer of that show. Sometimes, I still think about that.

Alright, so now that this has all been explained, it’s time to reveal to you who my Top 5’s and Number 1’s are for both sexes. Again these are MINE; yours may differ…but just hear me out. We are going to countdown in order of rank.

6) IN ONE YEAR EMILIA CLARKE WILL BE ON THIS LIST. I am having and issue right now. I would MAYBE kick Megan Fox off and add her in. I’m almost there, just not there yet. Great mix of beautiful, cute, and hot – because Khaleesi is so badass. Plus we’ve all seen Khaleesi’s boobs and know she has a pretty prettttyyyy good pair. Halloween 2013, here I come.

A little weird she dated Seth McFarlane, but I can get past that to look like THIS.

A little weird she dated Seth McFarlane, but I can get past that to look like THIS.

5) Megan Fox. Now, Megan would be a little higher on my list but in recent years I think she has done a couple of things to enhance her face, and I seriously liked the original better. She is undoubtedly gorgeous and SUPER HOT…you are on crack if you ever describe her as “cute.” This is the girl ever dude wants to bang, and every girl wants to be. I am not a tat person when it comes to girls having them, but this girl makes tats sexy and that is something so few in this world can do. Plus who in this world has not dreamt of marrying David Silver? As if David Silver would EVER be with someone who looked like Donna Martin. Megan Fox is right in that hottie’s wheelhouse.

Shit. The male species is doomed.

Shit. The male species is doomed.

4) Rachael Taylor. This girl is DROP DEAD. Most of you probably don’t know who she is (or maybe I just hope you don’t since I’m very protective of my list), but now I definitely know how jealous you are that she’s on my list, and wasn’t originally on yours. Suck it. Did I mention she’s Australian? Plus 10. She was in some Transformers movie that I never saw, because let’s face it – those movies all sucked, but I guess I saw her on a promo or something and have been unhealthily obsessed with her ever since. Totes norm.

Flawless! Stop that!

Flawless! Stop that!

3) Mila Kunis. What is a Top 5 list without Mila Kunis? If she isn’t on yours, then you are a moron. Actually, NEW RULE: Mila Kunis MUST be included in all lists. I must admit though – she definitely wasn’t as hot when she was on That 70’s show and dating McCauley Caulkin. Also, is she secretly really weird? Because McCauley looks like he hasn’t seen the sun in 75+ years and I am convinced lives in a black hole. Anyway, who cares, IRRELEVANT! Now it’s 2013, she’s so effing pretty. Pretty enough that her voice doesn’t bother me anymore! YAYYY! She dates Ashton, her body is amaze, basically, and I love you Mila Kunis.

Smoke. Total.

Smoke. Total.

2) Rosie Huntington-Whitely. Was once a model, but now is an actress which has deemed her fair game. If Marisa Miller had been in more movies aside from the upcoming R.I.P.D. she would be on this list too. But it’s too soon. She hasn’t made the full transfer from model-hood into actor-dom. Rosie dates Jason Statham who is the hottest bald guy on the face of the earth. Just a manly man. She also looked SO amazing at the Met Gala (you can refer back to my Met Gala Blog Post) and I was girl crushing very hard. Her facial features and bone structure are absolutely flawless. SERIOUSLY PERFECT. SER.

Who knew?! Who knew 'they' made bone structure like this on humans.

Who knew?! Who knew ‘they’ made bone structure like this on humans.

1) Blake Lively. Did you know she’s Teen Witch’s sister in real life!?!?!? TOP THAT. But, that’s not entirely why she’s on this list. There are about 1.2 million more reasons why. Her hair, her beauty, her style is OUT OF CONTROL. I have never seen a girl who consistently gets it SO right on the red carpet more than her. She married Ryan Reynolds. She was the BEST part of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants – where we knew the jeans that fit her DEFINITELY DID NOT fit America Ferrara, but we still loved the movie all the same. All because Blake was in it and hooking up with her hot soccer coach after dark. And while we all wanted to effing murder her in The Town because she literally was the sole reason that everything got messed up and her Boston accent was super annoying, we still loved her as Serena Van Der Woodsen. LOVED. I mean, I can’t take it! She’s the best. THE best. She’s mah #1. You can’t have her (possessive psycho here.)

I'm the prettiest girl in all the lands.

I’m the prettiest girl in all the lands.

There are too many to choose from. I could do this all day!

There are too many to choose from. I could do this all day!

Now we move on to the MEN.

5) John Stamos. He is the perfect example of why this cheesy ass line exists. Because when I look at pics of John Stamos, this is all I can think of (besides the naughty things) “MAN IS LIKE A FINE WINE. GETS BETTER WITH AGE.” If you don’t follow him on instagram, you really need to get on that. No Geraldo type nudie selfies, but, HAVE MERCY!

Cab Franc, say hello!

Cab Franc, say hello!

4) Josh Duhamel. Would be higher on this list but I had some really low days when I found out he was dating Fergie, and then when I found out they were getting married, and then when he knocked her up. Ya she sings some great songs that make NO EFFING SENSE at all, but I mean, she definitely has the benefit. He was on my list in 2006, and still is…he’s just so effing handsome…and tall…and manly. Like holy shit. The epitome of male beauty without looking too “pretty.” I don’t know how he does it! He borderline is not a real human. Win a Date with Tad Hamilton on REPEAT please. Stat.

TALLY AND DREAMAAAY

TALL AND DREAMAAAY

3) Chris Pine. I had a struggle with choosing either Chris Pine or Jake Gyllenhaal for this spot. Both similar looks, both VERY hot. Ultimately, I went with Chris Pine because it annoyed me that Jake dated Anne Hathaway’s character in Love & Other Drugs. Clarification: this does NOT mean that Jake is and less hot. I mean, he’s hot enough to get me to THINK about going to a Soul Cycle class in Union Square, where he is frequently spotted. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely didn’t go to Soul Cycle, but I definitely thought about it. Mmkay?

Um. What up?

Um. What up?

2) Tom Brady. If it weren’t for Ryan, Tom would be #1. I’m a Boston girl and there is no chance in hell there is another Boston girl out there whose list won’t feature Tom. Could he and Gisele beeeee anymore perfect? No, they cannot. And if it weren’t for the “model rule” Gisele would be in my top 5. I just wanted to point that out. So don’t EVER think I don’t follow [my own] rules.

You throw that ball, Tom!

You throw that ball, Tom!

1) Ryan Gosling. There really is no explanation needed here at all. I actually feel weirder explaining “why” he’s on this list than just saying nothing. I know he probably is the #1 on majority of this country’s lists, and I do really wish it was more original, but the truth of the matter is, that everyone loves Gos. Gos Bless!

Just baaasically died and went to heaven. How bout you?

Just baaasically died and went to heaven. How bout you?

I would like to also mention that Bradley Cooper used to be on my list in 2006. He has since come off when I learned that he was sober. If you refer to my deal breakers post, then you know I can’t date a guy who is sober. AGAIN, still VERY happy you are sober, it’s extremely commendable and honorable…however just not for me – our lifestyles wouldn’t mesh. Please note how hard it was to take him off of my list, especially after I watched a video of Bradley speaking fluent French. YES HE’S FLUENT IN FRENCH.

What do you think of my Top 5’s and Number 1’s?! I want to hear what yours are too, because it seriously is very entertaining for me read! SHARE THE WEALTH PEOPLE – this post took me over 2 hours to write, so, HOLLER!

XX
JAC

Every thing has its flaws. 25 things I can’t stand about Summer.

Published July 10, 2013 by jaclynswartz
Croutons, will you marry me...and stop sticking to my ass?

Croutons, will you marry me…and stop sticking to my ass?

I LOVE LISTS. I LOVE SUMMER. I LOVE CROUTONS. Things I don’t like? Summer putting the pressure on me to leave the croutons OFF of my salad. I WON’T DO IT.

Clearly summer is the best invention ever…especially for those of us who live through all 4 seasons. You just appreciate it THAT much more. LIKE HOW EXCITING IS IT THAT YOU CAN GO 15 SHADES BLONDER AND GET AWAY WITH IT/NOT LOOK LIKE A WASHED OUT ALBINO!? It’s really hard to criticize something so amazing…I feel that way about myself a lot…however, no one is perfect, and neither is summer. So let me revert to my  inner (slash overtly outer) cynic and share with you the things that I can’t stand about summer.

1) Girls who wear stilettos with bikinis. Unless you are Heidi Montag (Sidenote: are she and Spencer still alive? I actually always liked her more than LC – not gonna lie. What girl goes by “LC” til the age of 25 anyway?! It’s weird) post 72 plastic surgeries, this is unacceptable and you are a serious joke. Do you know you are a joke? Anyway, it’s totally cool if you are a slut, naturally…but in this case, you are trying too hard to be a slut, and that’s bad. Very bad. K, get outta my face.

como se dice, "JOKE"?

como se dice, “JOKE”?

2) Aside from the NYC trash stench that is formed when the heat/evaporation/condensation of rotten crap is combined, let’s talk about the weird water puddles that are in NYC. I mean, its a combination of probably boiling hot filth water, trash particles, rat crap, and some sort of soapie substance that was left over from the guy on parole who had to “mop” the sidewalk. I constantly ask myself; what would someone need to pay me in order for me to take a shot of that liquid? I think  it would be 10 Million. I go back and forth about it a lot. You aren’t allowed to throw it up. You ARE allowed to get a tetanus shot right after. CLEARLY I have thought long and hard about this (in my head no less). Crazy? Cool.

3) Hamptons hangovers. These are unlike any other hangovers. FOR INSTANCE. I was so hungover I don’t remember packing to come home the other weekend. In turn, I left my Rag & Bone boyfriend jeans there — and did I mention they cost me $297 dollars? DOH!

4) Best hair do on the beach? Side braid. Worst outcome of the best hairdo on the beach? Burnt scalp. HOLY JESUS.

5) UBS. No, not the effing finance company you morons. Under Boob Sweat. The mean stepsister of ULS; upper lip sweat. I mean, when you feel that little trickle down your stomach?! COME ON. Admit it. And no a-holes, this doesn’t mean I have saggy boobs. Actually, au contraire. We are all victim to this – as James demonstrated on the Bachelorette a couple weeks ago.

6) WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE HENNA TATTOOS I HAVE BEEN SEEING?! I thought this was something you ONLY did at 16 on your Rein Teen Tour during the Venice Beach stop because you were feeling rebellious and all out of sorts that you were not allowed at camp that summer?! Unless you are Katherine Heigl on your way to your best friend’s Indian wedding in 27 dresses, just say no.

7) WHY IS IT ALWAYS GORGEOUS OUT MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY AND THEN POURS ON SATURDAY AND SUNDAY?! I’ve been really good this week, God. I prom!

8) Oh hi the color Gray, this is me taking some space from you this Summer. We’re “on a break,” will see how the summer goes without you, but may revisit you in the fall.

9) Tramp stamps. Find your nearest CVS, buy some band aids and cover that shit up or we may all go blind.

10) Girls who think that since it’s “hot and humid” that there is no need to do their hair anymore. Mousse is so ’99. Is there anything grosser than crunchy curls?! VOM. (Some of my friends do this, so please consider this my passive aggressive way of telling you to stop).

11) Chicks in oversized sunglasses. I can’t see you, but I’ll bet you are not attractive.

12) The Subway sucks all 4 seasons of the year, I never like taking it, so I am not going to put it on this list. It’s the grazing of sweaty men that REALLY sets me into murder mode.

13) Speaking of murderers, something I hate about summer is that we learned Aaron Hernandez IS THE WORST MURDERER EVER! On the flip side it’s good to know we share the same interest in cotton candy bubble yum. But Black and Milds?! Come on, that’s 8th grade status. Grow up.

14) There is no sexy way to eat a hot dog with sauerkraut, mustard, and ketchup.

15) Summer small talk. How’s your summer going?! Answer choices: Good, thanks!! –OR –So far, awful. I contracted the clap and it’s been a real bitch to get rid of. However, the scene at the frying pan has been great.

16) Listening to every girl recite what they ate that day because it’s bikini season — who ever said we were all in a food support group all summer?! Eat the cupcake and shutup. Not interested.

17) Speaking of “fat” — I hate the gym, every chick in my soul cycle class is fat, and it’s too hot to run outside. Just kidding, this is a positive and just another excuse for me to not work out.

18) DRINKING BEER IN A BIKINI. This is seriously the worst thing in the world. Guys can’t even begin to understand. Anyway, judge me all you want, I’ll stick to wine.

19) It’s too hot to lay out in this concrete jungle.

20) WHO ARE THESE LOSERS PLAYING ULTIMATE FRISBEE AND JUGGLING BOWLING PINS?!

21) I know it’s cheaper for you to have your wedding on July 4th, but it just makes me hate you.

22) Having friends who are teachers. I really do enjoy talking shit about your profession 10 months of the year (ha you have to get up early, ha you have to be on your feet all day, ha you are basically salary capped), but your payback is so much greater when you get to sit on your ass for 2 months and I cry myself to sleep at night with jealousy.

23) FIT FLOPS. The summer Uggs, if you will. These are the most effing heinous sandals – no way around it. They aren’t stylish, they aren’t cool, and they don’t “go” with anything. Do you seriously think walking around in these awkward looking moon shoes will cause you to lose weight or get fit?! You should check yourself. Plus, if you wear “Fit Flops” to lose weight or stay in shape, you may as well just let yourself go. What a minimalist effort made by you. Your non-existent trainer would be pissed. I JUST GOT SO MAD TALKING ABOUT THIS.

You look fugly in these shoes.

You look fugly in these shoes.

24) The worst in between TV time ever. Game of Thrones has ended, Homeland has not yet started, and all we are left with is Mary Murphy’s shriek of a Hot Tamale Train. Oh and the Bachelorette of course….Zak, call me. BRING BACK BACHELOR PAD.

Still looking for my $250k.

Still looking for my $250k.

25) Every weekend there is a mass exodus out of NYC for greener pastures. BUT HOW COME I STILL CAN’T GET A RESERVATION AT ABC KITCHEN!??!?! WTF MOTHER EFFER.

Anyway, there are some of the things that come to mind. As always, I LOVE to hear what your additions would be/what I forgot/how you feel about my list. Discuss amongst ya-selves.

One LAST thing. HOW GOOD DID AMANDA BYNES LOOK FOR HER COURT DATE YESTERDAY!? I mean I can’t get over it. I’m not even kidding in the slightest. Her skin looked flawless. It looked like she took out those weird cheek piercings. The blue wig? I’m a fan, and would seriously wear one if I could pull it off. I don’t care that she was wearing an Alvin Ailey Dance School jersey tank, I now want one. In addition, 107.2 has NEVER looked better on her. I’m so happy for her I could cry. Now, here’s to hoping she still has a nose after 4839248320 nose jobs and 239203904 pounds of blow. It’s too bad she tweeted that the Obama’s were ugly. I mean, I miss the days where she would tweet the President asking to throw out her DUI. I MEAN SHE DOESN’T DRINK, OKKKKKKKKK!!! Sweatpant chic 4eva.

I love you so much it hurts. Please unblock me.

I love you so much it hurts. Please unblock me.

XO

Jac

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