Published August 6, 2013 by jaclynswartz

So the new Bachelor was announced last night during the After The Final Rose Special. Ladies and Gents — IT’S JUAN PABLO!!!!!!!!!

Man scarf. Man friggin sexy.

Man scarf. Man friggin sexy.

In both the audience at the taping and at our Herbal Essences viewing party, people’s heads were literally popping off with excitement. I’m talking the chicks AND the dudes. Um ya, equally excited – which obviously got my mind racing. There have been some fiiiiiiiiine looking Bachelors (and some not so fine ones….hint hint) but, let’s focus our attention on the positive, SHALL WE?

Hot enough to make you strip.

Hot enough to make you strip.

Juan Pablo is THE cholula of Bachelors, if you will. Hot, spicy, spanish speaking, will make you sweat….etc. I EFFING LOVE HOT SAUCE. It makes the world go round. However, not everyone likes hot sauce…so mayyyyybe Juan Pablo is not your fave? Either way – IT’S POLL TIME.

This was a tough one for me. Though I love Sean and think he’s a cool dude, my vote isn’t going to him. Though Juan Pablo screams SEX, my vote isn’t going to him (plus we have yet to watch his season). Brad Womack is hot, but I am team Emily. So, I really gotta stick with the OG hottie. MY VOTE GOES TO ANDREW FIRESTONE. MMM MMM GOOD.

I don’t want to have my vote influence your decision, however. So please think long and hard (tehehe, maturity) about your final answer. This poll is EVERYTHING.

Wait did I mention Juan Pablo yet in this post? Not enough? OK GOOD. Because here is the running list of why I effing love Juan Pablo as the new Bachelor.

1) The puns. Puns gotta be number Juan on this list.

2) He’s a soccer player. It’s like, he could knock me up, and the whole saying “he’s gonna be a socca playa!” IS ACTUALLY REAL AND MAKES SENSE.

3) His 5 O’clock shadow.

4) His accent. Even though we won’t understand half the shit he says, it sounds good comin out.

5) This is not a reason I love him, but more so a suggestion. Girls going through finals, who will know if they made the show any day now, SHOULD BE BUYING ROSETTA STONE. All of you. Every. single. one. of. you. Also, be thankful you found out who your Bachelor is going to be over a month prior to leaving for the show. NOT JEALOUS AT ALL.

6) He has a daughter. This is not for me, but will make for some great tweets.

7) He seems pretty confused on the regs. That’s funny.

8) His twitter account is possibly the best thing since sliced bread. With the “jajajajajajajaja’s” and the “jejejejejeje’s,” the random capitalization of words (because he clearly doesn’t understand this concept), and tweets like “Two L.A POLICE officers just came in to my room in the HOTEL to investigate a murder case. I almost CRAP my pants… #firsttime.” I don’t have the heart to tell him that it should be ‘crapped.’

9) Spanish betches love the dramz.

10) Fantasy suite shmantasy suite. We all know he’s doing the girls night 1. That guy Des nixed should come back and retry that Fantasy Suite shtick. Juan Pablo might buy it.

11) Juan minor complaint, he’s GOT to get rid of that trademark “TM” on his twitter handle. It’s so douchey. In addtion, the amount of dudes from Des’s season who have “THEREAL…” in their instagram or twitter handles is seriously alarming. EW.

12) Since he’s an athlete, that means his dates will be sporty and extreme. HAHAHA. These girls are in for some miz times ahead, and we are in for some great laughs at their expense.

13) Does this mean there is a chance he has single soccer player friends? Can they be featured in an eppy? (Elan…)

14) It will be interesting to see, once again, what ABC defines as “Stepmom” material.

15) I want speedos. Lots and lots of man speedos. (Elan, are you taking notes?)

16) Juan and I share a birthday. We are sooo the samesies and automatically compatible (in my head).

17) No but seriously you guys, his random capitalization of words on his tweets is the funniest effing thing ever. Like, what is going on in that mans head? I’m trying to understand his capitalizing system, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. Take a look, and try to dissect it yourself — GUARANTEE you’ll be stumped.

18) We won’t have to listen to any shitty original songs being sung by a man. This was my only concern for Zak. Well that, and too many diaries.

19) Not sure what he carries in it, but it seems as though Juan sports a messenger bag everywhere he goes. This is now cool.

20) And finally……THIS.

Who wears short shorts? JUAN PABLO wears short shorts!

Who wears short shorts? JUAN PABLO wears short shorts!

Can’t wait to see what unfolds next season. I juander if the season will end in a proposal?! (Thanks for that one, Michael Garofola).

Just letting you all know, us season 16 girls are PISSED.




  • I love this. And I love Juan! That first pic of him is mind-blowing. BTW, I have been thinking non-stop about my top five list since I read that post. It’s becoming a problem. But I may now know who is my number Juan.

  • Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any
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