TINA EAT YOUR HAM. Bach Recap Ep 1 – Juan Carl

Published January 7, 2014 by jaclynswartz

Remember that freak Casey who was on Laguna Beach for a season? Her sole purpose on the show was to ask her maid to make her a “kess-ahhhh-dill-ah” after school and talk horrible Spanglish to her in an annoying voice. She showed off her gaudy house, fake tan, fake teeth, bleached hair and cheese bedazzled fashion. WELL, that’s basically the job of 40% of these girls.

And I feel like we have a lot more horrible Spanish coming.

Casey Reinhardt forevs!

So let’s start with Juan Carlos (Thanks Lena Dunham). This summer, when they announced that Juan would be THE ONE (notice I did not use a pun there? I’ll get to that) I wrote a blog about why he would be amazing (read it here: http://blondhairdontcare.com/2013/08/06/juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan/) Well, since following him on social media I seriously need to reevaluate that list I wrote, and my life for that matter! Like, who IS that girl (Elyse) that wrote that blog? Jaclyn 6 months ago is not Jaclyn of 2014. WATCH OUT, bitchier than ever.

1)      THE JUAN PUNS ARE OVERKILL. IF YOU ARE STILL PUNNING OUT, we would never be friends. Stop trying too hard. You’re so 2000 and late.

2)      The random caps lock isn’t funny anymore, it’s just annoying.

3)      It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t speak English. GREAT bach material!

4)      He is still a smokeshow but the communication barrier is a ser prob for me.

When I get jealous of Gisele sometimes I have to say, ‘Well, her English isn’t that great..soooo’ and it makes me feel better. Effed up. I know. And that’s what I have to say to myself about Juan Carlos when I compare a side by side of him and Ben Flananananah.

So moving along, Juan Carlos has a daughter, who is like Ricky 2.0. He bought her at the Bachelor store as a test to see what sluts were so desperate to go on TV that they’d be ok to be a mommy at 23. (Oh you can put me in that desperate slut category because I’d be there with bells on for round 2 – which is even more desperate! technically round 3 if you count bachelor pad. OMG what am I doing right now I am COOL I PROMISE.) In other news, I just shoveled a hole 6 feet deep and I’m rolling around in it and giggling.

Anyway, enough about Carl because I hate the cheesey bachelor stuff. Unless you are Sean Lowe doing a half naked montage in the mansion shower I’m so not interested. Add the fact that he can’t speak English….aaaaaaand I’m getting up to refill my wine and eat more cheese. I love cheese. Also, just a note, liiiiiiiiike Sean and Carl definitely aren’t friends – but I’m sure Carl will be at his wedding (with no date obviously! Because the girl who he’s definitely already broken up with has to remain a secret!) Carl just wants to be famous and eff a lot of models – that’s what he does, that’s what he was put on this planet for. And that’s why Lucinda (lucy?) was put on this show…..so he could get closer to Kate Upton (google it)

So as I watched with my A-team bitch bach crew last night, I missed most of the episode because the sh*t we were saying about the show/other bach alumni was quite the distraction. At one point Spivey caught me in a booger/drool moment and then, get this………..funniest story ever………I went to rehab!!!! Just kidding but not really because 2 nights of Bachelor in a row have me with a consecutive hangover headache sitch. Casual black outs on red wine has never been so fun. Hi mom!

This was a fairly calm night 1 (I think? Again, didn’t pay attention to many details) – so let me just get right to it and go through the girls who stood out to me.

Andi – she is gorg. Great style so that’s obviously an added bonus. Her hometown package reciting rehearsed lines in a courtroom gave me second hand embarrassment but other than that you could tell Pabby was pleased. I mean, she stepped out of the limo and the music changed. Nothing says you go girl like getting a music change on the bachelor. She’s obviously going to go far – ABC wasn’t too discrete about that one. If Carl doesn’t pick her, she will be the next bachelorette. GUILT AS CHARGED!

Also – Erica Rose does ‘lawyer’ (if she really is one – still TBD) way funnier.

Speaking of Erica, was I seeing things or were there like at least 14 tiaras last night? Speaking of tiaras, I used to really like the word sparkle. If one of these psychos ruins the word glitter for me I’M GONNA LOSE IT.

Also – WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even know where to begin.

I don’t even know where to begin.

I didn’t look at the girls online bios because that picture of mine scarred me for life so I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. BUT WHAT WAS THIS GIRL THINKING WHEN SHE PUT THIS ON?! Better yet, why does she own it? It’s disgusting. Like did Stevie Wonder make this shirt? Did this girl make it past night one? I really hope she did so that I can see what other heinous articles of clothing she wears. I wonder if she put this on and was like “I think this shirt is so great and perfect to live on google for the rest of my life!” I want to have a sit down talk with her and pick her brain about it. I wouldn’t even let Tierra wear this shirt to her fake engagement party to her fake fiancé.

Nikki – Nikki is my FAVE right now – Wanna know why? Because her hometown package showed her being this cute sweet pediatric nurse in scrubs. Fast forward to the mansion and shes wearing a sexy backless dress (which I liked bt dubs) AND I SPOTTED A SLUTTY SIDE TAT. Then she proceeds to let Carl feel her up with a stethoscope/hand and there you have it – undercover psychopath who is hot. Sign me up. Love you Nikki!

Sharleen – I was told I would like Sharleen by a close friend who knows me (and her) pretty well. At first I was like ummm why would someone think me and an opera singer in a bun would get along? No. Then I watched her for  5 more minutes LOVE her attitude and LOVE Sharleen. Carl’s like, will you accept this rose, and she’s like “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sure” – I dig her honesty and she’s a winner. Her convo with Carl “felt forced” because English is his second language and he probably has a hooked on phonics teacher speaking into an earpiece for him.

Clare – Her pregnancy joke would have been funnier if it was real. But then we would have to take the “Most Sexually Awkward” award away from Jamie Otis and that aint right. Clare is cute, she’ll go far.

I get uncomf just THINKING about it

I get uncomf just THINKING about it

Renee – the most normal single mom we’ve seen (other than Emily Maynard) – and she’s a Pats/Red Sox fan so…SOLD.

Lucy – clearly this girl has had a ton of amazing acid trips. She also forgot her shoes and her makeup. Doesn’t give a fuuuuu*k about anything at all. Except fashion (loved her dress and floral headband – Casey Shteamer is probably having a heart attack over it). Oh and dating cajillionaires. I bet her snapchat didn’t get hacked, bitch! I hope she sticks around because she’s insane.

People I couldn’t stand:

AMY EFFING J – she actually made me physically nauseus. From the airplane feeding bit and talking in baby voices to the bangs and everything in between – I was screaming with discomfort. Whoever put her on this show should be stoned.

There was also a girl who looking like she slipped in a tub of black ink that I couldn’t be bothered by.


A lot of the girls don’t have good names. It was weirding me out – especially after my 4th glass of wine. I think one’s name is Tina. If not, I made that up. I don’t care though, I’m calling someone Tina – just haven’t decided who yet.

Why do the girls still wear gowns? With cutouts? And jewels? I just don’t get it. It’s like they live in a dark hole and then emerge from this hole and go straight to the limo with only the ugliest dress they can find. I also hate pageant girls because it’s very easy to. This probably has something to do with it.

Ginge misheard Carl say her name and accidentally walked up to get a rose that wasn’t hers. Ginge going home night 1 was as shocking as Ricky Martin coming out of the closet.

When Kelly turns to the side she disappears. But I am looking forward to seeing more of her (when she is face forward obvs)

Nikki said Carl was “so easy to talk to” – she can join the liar pool with Christy who said she “loved that he had a daughter”

I want to see more of Christy and Kelly – because I know their names.

Lauren cried a lot and it’s either one of 2 things: too much booze or too much booze.

Surprised he got rid of the Tampa Cheerleader. She was cute – it confuses me.

Like, HELLO?! I think she also speaks spanish for realz.

Like, HELLO?! I think she also speaks spanish for realz.

Green dress girl went home and should have stayed because of the dress alone. Proves that dressing for girls gets you nowhere in life slash the bachelor. (damnit)


1)      Green Emerald Dress (Christine)

2)      Red Herve Leger (Kat) – though if it were me I would have worn the same dress in the short version

3)      ALC flowy dress (Lucyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)

4)      Long blue Halston Heritage (Andi)

5)      Long Red Nicole Miller dress (Kelly) – I wore this dress in black (in short version obvs) to a wedding, makes the bubs look great

I can’t wait until the girls start fighting.

I love the girl in the preview who is crying in the bathroom, wishes Carl would die…and then in the most heroic fashion EVER Carl finds a word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “……Please”

Hope the girls get tetanus shot before going in that pool! Tehehe anus.


Jac aka yoyce

PS I didn’t proofread this because I am lazy so don’t bother pointing out typos because I don’t care and it’s a waste of both your time and mine. AMEN.

36 comments on “TINA EAT YOUR HAM. Bach Recap Ep 1 – Juan Carl

  • omggggg this is perfect. I sadly get your Casey Reinhart reference and follow her on social media (girlfriend has a cupcake biz that is apparently fancy schmancy now) and the yoyce reference had me peeing my pants. Thank the lord someone else is on my reality tv level.

  • This is one of the worst blogs that I have ever read. You think watching The Bachelor is painful? Imagine trying to make sense of your rambling. This literally makes no sense like Juan Pablo and you end up sounding like some jealous girl that he denied before going on the show. I really liked you……..prior to reading this c***.

    • Hi Susy, you seem like you have a great sense of humor. Are you Carl’s mom?

      Also, I absolutely love this show. I love the whole concept of it. I love the girls and I love the alumni who have now become some of my closest friends. Oh, and by the way I did the show twice, so jealous isn’t the right word. I am jealous though that their bachelor is way hotter than mine was. In addition, I never once said this show was “painful.”

      Have a great day! Toodles!

      • I mean… Some moments are painfully embarrassing but I live for them. I don’t know how long I can wait for the bathroom scene. I exert so much energy trying to identify said crier by her hair and voice( and my investigative skills get better by the wine glass)

      • No Jaqueline, Joyce, Yoyce, or whatever name your schitzofrenic personality picks for today, I am not Carl’s mom, otherwise I would probably be in jail by now for watching his hot tub scenes with a smile on my face. I do have an awesome personality that was sucked dry by your blog because by the time I got to the end of it I could think of nothing funny to say and instead I wanted to poke my eyeballs out with the sharpest object I could find and then I realized that I wouldnt be able to watch Juan Pablo anymore so I stopped myself and decided to grace you with my reply. Your welcome.

        I am aware that you were on the bachelor twice. Like I said, I liked you even though watching Ben was like watching paint dry after twenty coats…..you were good. You also let us know twice you were on twice so thanks because I did follow that the first time you said it, good thing you have said it twice now, I hope you remind us again next blog because I might forget.

        The reason I posted is because your blog is like reading the writing of someone who just got their first fix in ten days off the 99 cent roll of tin foil they just bought down at the dollar store. It jumps from one thing to another mid sentence. It would be like you trying to read a page of this, “I like pickles and did you guys see the rainbow that was somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly……” You saying Juan Pablo is a player comes across like a girl who he rejected, almost as bad as Ben but not quite because it wasn’t on National tv, and just did not want (almost like Ed except he didnt come back for more.) So please do not take this harshly but it was painful to read, about as painful as the upcoming bathroom scene will be but at least you didn’t cry at the end of it. We were all crying for you, or at least I was, and the upcoming blogs that we will have to try to make sense of unless you find some writing skills in the bottom of the gallonof vodka that you finish off every night. Toodles.

      • haha it seems like you are spending a lot of time on this/I am affecting you greatly. Opinions are opinions and you are entitled to have them! The one thing I will tell you is that you should watch Real Housewives of Bev Hills. Then there would be at least 1 joke you were in on. XX yoyce

      • Yes, which would be why I referred to you as Jaqueline……….already watch it. Way to be on your toes but that is tough when you drink a gallon of vodka a night. Not too much time………about five minutes. Unlike some, I can form sentences easily.

      • Jaclyn I love your blogging and the way you speak about the bachelor but I have to give it up to Susy for a wonderfully hilarious reply that had me laughing all the way through.

    • Thank you Amanda. I aim to please. Maybe the gallon of water is responsible for the better writing skills through blog 2 unless you ran out of tin foil, which would explain the bipolar personalities of loving me and saying toodles and then hating me because I am too much. Constructive criticism never hurt anyone correct? This is a blog full of judgement so don’t cry when someone states
      their opinion on you. I can’t wait to read blog 2……..oh wait, I can…….I am currently waiting for myself to catch a buzz so I can make it through the entire thing. The first paragraph has been about as delightful as Bens season of the bachelor. Toodles.

  • This is the icing on top of the cake that is this season of the bachelor! Can’t wait for the drama to start and okay I wanted emerald dress girl to stay because it was my favorite, well that and Andi but Andi is perf so there’s that!

  • Love this blog, girl! But on a serious note – why does everyone hate on Ben? Like do the ladies that were on his season really not like him at all? Because I still have inappropriate dreams about him.

    • I am dying at your comment haha – I think once you read Courtney’s book you will get why I have some ill will. She’s a super close friend of mine and I heard a lot of things I didn’t like. But on a serious note, the kris jenner thing is extremely weird. When on the show I kept an open mind because I am generally personality over looks…they only get you so far 🙂

  • Hilarious! Love the “lucy on acid” reference…she’s a “trip and a half” Looking forward to future installments…best part of this weeks shows was the tribute to Gia…

  • You have to do this every episode because this is hilariously true!! First of all, glad someone else scrutinizes what they wear on their bio page. Like, it looks like a spanish blouse and I just imagine her dancing around the room in it. Awful. And “Carl finds a word”…yes. Side note: he just tweeted, “Don’t know HOW to TRANSLATE my LAST tweet…” Don’t know HOW you still follow him…I am curious why they didn’t at least bring a few girls that maybe even studied spanish or know more than “¡Hola!”. Does his daughter speak English?? I couldn’t tell. Also, did Chris Harrison seem a little absent this episode? Poor guy was replaced by Sean.

  • I will not acknowledge you when you call me Jacqueline. Please tell me you say that to people!

    You kill me girl. That bang girl and her massage was freaking my shit out! Team Nikki!

  • Just watched the Bachelor two days late and read this right after. Dying at your comments. Especially the fact that you call him Juan Carlos and Carl, gold. I disagree on the opera singer though, seems like she didn’t want to be there but accepted the rose anyway. Should make an interesting twist later on though. Totally agree with your choices of top dresses. Loved the green one. Also, betting that the girl who said “I wish Juan Pablo would die” is the free spirit.

  • Love this! Just saw this now and wow, oh so accurate! Thank you for posting about that red “off the shoulders” shirt with the giant ruffles. It was revisted during Sunday’s “behind the scenes” episode (where we saw them in their bedrooms, real behind the scenes) and I was just stunned at how terrible it was. But then I started second guessing myself because I am definitely not the most fashionable person, and maybe it is what the cool kids are wearing these days. Anyways, keep up the funny posts 🙂

  • I just need to say thanks…because as I’m sitting here with the flu in my apartment, feeling completely miserable and basically wishing for death, this blog totally brightened my day. You’re hilarious.

    My fantasy bachelorette casting? A season starring you AND Courtney Robertson. Can’t wait to read her book.

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