Remember that freak Casey who was on Laguna Beach for a season? Her sole purpose on the show was to ask her maid to make her a “kess-ahhhh-dill-ah” after school and talk horrible Spanglish to her in an annoying voice. She showed off her gaudy house, fake tan, fake teeth, bleached hair and cheese bedazzled fashion. WELL, that’s basically the job of 40% of these girls.
And I feel like we have a lot more horrible Spanish coming.
Casey Reinhardt forevs!
So let’s start with Juan Carlos (Thanks Lena Dunham). This summer, when they announced that Juan would be THE ONE (notice I did not use a pun there? I’ll get to that) I wrote a blog about why he would be amazing (read it here: http://blondhairdontcare.com/2013/08/06/juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan/) Well, since following him on social media I seriously need to reevaluate that list I wrote, and my life for that matter! Like, who IS that girl (Elyse) that wrote that blog? Jaclyn 6 months ago is not Jaclyn of 2014. WATCH OUT, bitchier than ever.
1) THE JUAN PUNS ARE OVERKILL. IF YOU ARE STILL PUNNING OUT, we would never be friends. Stop trying too hard. You’re so 2000 and late.
2) The random caps lock isn’t funny anymore, it’s just annoying.
3) It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t speak English. GREAT bach material!
4) He is still a smokeshow but the communication barrier is a ser prob for me.
When I get jealous of Gisele sometimes I have to say, ‘Well, her English isn’t that great..soooo’ and it makes me feel better. Effed up. I know. And that’s what I have to say to myself about Juan Carlos when I compare a side by side of him and Ben Flananananah.
So moving along, Juan Carlos has a daughter, who is like Ricky 2.0. He bought her at the Bachelor store as a test to see what sluts were so desperate to go on TV that they’d be ok to be a mommy at 23. (Oh you can put me in that desperate slut category because I’d be there with bells on for round 2 – which is even more desperate! technically round 3 if you count bachelor pad. OMG what am I doing right now I am COOL I PROMISE.) In other news, I just shoveled a hole 6 feet deep and I’m rolling around in it and giggling.
Anyway, enough about Carl because I hate the cheesey bachelor stuff. Unless you are Sean Lowe doing a half naked montage in the mansion shower I’m so not interested. Add the fact that he can’t speak English….aaaaaaand I’m getting up to refill my wine and eat more cheese. I love cheese. Also, just a note, liiiiiiiiike Sean and Carl definitely aren’t friends – but I’m sure Carl will be at his wedding (with no date obviously! Because the girl who he’s definitely already broken up with has to remain a secret!) Carl just wants to be famous and eff a lot of models – that’s what he does, that’s what he was put on this planet for. And that’s why Lucinda (lucy?) was put on this show…..so he could get closer to Kate Upton (google it)
So as I watched with my A-team bitch bach crew last night, I missed most of the episode because the sh*t we were saying about the show/other bach alumni was quite the distraction. At one point Spivey caught me in a booger/drool moment and then, get this………..funniest story ever………I went to rehab!!!! Just kidding but not really because 2 nights of Bachelor in a row have me with a consecutive hangover headache sitch. Casual black outs on red wine has never been so fun. Hi mom!
This was a fairly calm night 1 (I think? Again, didn’t pay attention to many details) – so let me just get right to it and go through the girls who stood out to me.
Andi – she is gorg. Great style so that’s obviously an added bonus. Her hometown package reciting rehearsed lines in a courtroom gave me second hand embarrassment but other than that you could tell Pabby was pleased. I mean, she stepped out of the limo and the music changed. Nothing says you go girl like getting a music change on the bachelor. She’s obviously going to go far – ABC wasn’t too discrete about that one. If Carl doesn’t pick her, she will be the next bachelorette. GUILT AS CHARGED!
Also – Erica Rose does ‘lawyer’ (if she really is one – still TBD) way funnier.
Speaking of Erica, was I seeing things or were there like at least 14 tiaras last night? Speaking of tiaras, I used to really like the word sparkle. If one of these psychos ruins the word glitter for me I’M GONNA LOSE IT.
Also – WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn’t look at the girls online bios because that picture of mine scarred me for life so I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. BUT WHAT WAS THIS GIRL THINKING WHEN SHE PUT THIS ON?! Better yet, why does she own it? It’s disgusting. Like did Stevie Wonder make this shirt? Did this girl make it past night one? I really hope she did so that I can see what other heinous articles of clothing she wears. I wonder if she put this on and was like “I think this shirt is so great and perfect to live on google for the rest of my life!” I want to have a sit down talk with her and pick her brain about it. I wouldn’t even let Tierra wear this shirt to her fake engagement party to her fake fiancé.
Nikki – Nikki is my FAVE right now – Wanna know why? Because her hometown package showed her being this cute sweet pediatric nurse in scrubs. Fast forward to the mansion and shes wearing a sexy backless dress (which I liked bt dubs) AND I SPOTTED A SLUTTY SIDE TAT. Then she proceeds to let Carl feel her up with a stethoscope/hand and there you have it – undercover psychopath who is hot. Sign me up. Love you Nikki!
Sharleen – I was told I would like Sharleen by a close friend who knows me (and her) pretty well. At first I was like ummm why would someone think me and an opera singer in a bun would get along? No. Then I watched her for 5 more minutes LOVE her attitude and LOVE Sharleen. Carl’s like, will you accept this rose, and she’s like “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sure” – I dig her honesty and she’s a winner. Her convo with Carl “felt forced” because English is his second language and he probably has a hooked on phonics teacher speaking into an earpiece for him.
Clare – Her pregnancy joke would have been funnier if it was real. But then we would have to take the “Most Sexually Awkward” award away from Jamie Otis and that aint right. Clare is cute, she’ll go far.
Renee – the most normal single mom we’ve seen (other than Emily Maynard) – and she’s a Pats/Red Sox fan so…SOLD.
Lucy – clearly this girl has had a ton of amazing acid trips. She also forgot her shoes and her makeup. Doesn’t give a fuuuuu*k about anything at all. Except fashion (loved her dress and floral headband – Casey Shteamer is probably having a heart attack over it). Oh and dating cajillionaires. I bet her snapchat didn’t get hacked, bitch! I hope she sticks around because she’s insane.
People I couldn’t stand:
AMY EFFING J – she actually made me physically nauseus. From the airplane feeding bit and talking in baby voices to the bangs and everything in between – I was screaming with discomfort. Whoever put her on this show should be stoned.
There was also a girl who looking like she slipped in a tub of black ink that I couldn’t be bothered by.
OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM THE NIGHT:
A lot of the girls don’t have good names. It was weirding me out – especially after my 4th glass of wine. I think one’s name is Tina. If not, I made that up. I don’t care though, I’m calling someone Tina – just haven’t decided who yet.
Why do the girls still wear gowns? With cutouts? And jewels? I just don’t get it. It’s like they live in a dark hole and then emerge from this hole and go straight to the limo with only the ugliest dress they can find. I also hate pageant girls because it’s very easy to. This probably has something to do with it.
Ginge misheard Carl say her name and accidentally walked up to get a rose that wasn’t hers. Ginge going home night 1 was as shocking as Ricky Martin coming out of the closet.
When Kelly turns to the side she disappears. But I am looking forward to seeing more of her (when she is face forward obvs)
Nikki said Carl was “so easy to talk to” – she can join the liar pool with Christy who said she “loved that he had a daughter”
I want to see more of Christy and Kelly – because I know their names.
Lauren cried a lot and it’s either one of 2 things: too much booze or too much booze.
Surprised he got rid of the Tampa Cheerleader. She was cute – it confuses me.
Green dress girl went home and should have stayed because of the dress alone. Proves that dressing for girls gets you nowhere in life slash the bachelor. (damnit)
FAVE DRESSES IN ORDER OF RANK:
1) Green Emerald Dress (Christine)
2) Red Herve Leger (Kat) – though if it were me I would have worn the same dress in the short version
3) ALC flowy dress (Lucyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)
4) Long blue Halston Heritage (Andi)
5) Long Red Nicole Miller dress (Kelly) – I wore this dress in black (in short version obvs) to a wedding, makes the bubs look great
I can’t wait until the girls start fighting.
I love the girl in the preview who is crying in the bathroom, wishes Carl would die…and then in the most heroic fashion EVER Carl finds a word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “……Please”
Hope the girls get tetanus shot before going in that pool! Tehehe anus.
Jac aka yoyce
PS I didn’t proofread this because I am lazy so don’t bother pointing out typos because I don’t care and it’s a waste of both your time and mine. AMEN.