I Haven’t Swam in Warm Water Since Nam. Bachelor Recap Ep. 5

Published February 4, 2014 by jaclynswartz

Sorry for the 1 (or 2?) week hiatus. Last week I was blinded in the last 5 minutes of the show by that girls heinous sequined maxi draw string evening gown and it took me a week to recover.

Now I can see again. Unlike Kelly.

We find ourselves moving along with the girls to Vietnam this week and we get to watch them inorganically immerse themselves into Vietnamese culture in a big game of “Producer Says.”

First up is a date card, and it’s for Renee! AWWW! And it says “Are we a good FIT?” AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! The girls be like, omg, that is SO cute! Pabs is SOOO sweet! The only issue? There is no chance in hell Pabs put that sentence together. That’s aside from the fact that these cards have had the same handwriting since 1972 when the Bachelor premiered.

Renee and Pabs leave to go on their date and it starts out with him pushing her around in a baby stroller. Literally, this sh*t couldn’t have been more awkward unless Renee was sucking on a pacifier. Pabs is excited because he and Renee have so much in common. The laundry list went as follows:

–          I’m 32. She’s 32.

–          We both have children

–          She’s….me!

Aside from the fact that this basically sums up my deal breaker list, I’m pretty sure Renee has more to offer than that Pabby. JUST A GUESS.

After the baby stroller ride ends, they end up at the markets where they walk and fake talk and buy ugly gifts for their children. Literally, what 8-year-old boy would wear that hat? It confused me. Like return to sender, please. That is, unless you are dressing up like Raiden and playing Mortal Kombat in your house and kicking the sh*t out of your friend who is Scorpio and you’re like OMG FINISH HIM. I WANT THAT HAT. SEND ME THAT HAT.



Back to the markets, Pabs is the sweatiest mother effer I have ever seen. I MEAN, worse than that James Case guy who got under booby sweat through his shirt that one time on the stairs with Des. Which, it’s pretty obvious I never forgot because, until then, I didn’t know guys had big enough tits to produce sweat there. Anyway, dulled out canarie yellow wasn’t really the smartest choice for Pabs to wear, but at least tracking his sweat distracted me from their empty conversation.

Flash forward to dinner and I think they are still sweating profusely. Renee has changed into an iridescent silk dress – which needed to be set on fire. But seriously, ANY OTHER COLOR SILK wouldn’t have done you good?

Pabs makes up more stupid rules about kissing where he, again, contradicts himself more than Lindsay Lohan saying she’s grown up and sober every ten minutes.

Back at the house we hear more girls bitch about wanting 1-1 dates which is extremely annoying because you are in Vietnam surrounded by (some) fun girls and unlimited booze. It’s heaven when you aren’t on the dates! And this is a competition that you want to WIN! Just kidding, it’s a journey of love. And the prize is a Neil Lane ring you’ll have to return in 6 months’ time.

Next is the group date where the girls float around in mini boat baskets in the poop brown river. Not 1 person jumped to partner with Juan, because it’s pretty clear that would be a death sentence where you’d have nothing to talk about.

Clare makes the best of having no friends and makes out with Pabs in the basket in a very awkwardly uncomfortable position. I am glad she made the move, but it didn’t look like anything of Juan’s was moving. And yes, I paused, HERE. It’s such a joy when guys wear shorts.



After the make out sesh in the smelly river, the girls put on Raiden hats and go into a field. They oooh and ahhh over CROPS! And produce!!! Because, ya know, girls who go on the Bachelor are sooooooooo DTE and love to hunt and gather their food like wildebeests. Cassandra goes into what they are doing for this portion of the date, and how excited she is…which which we all know is complete bulls*it because no gold digger likes to go farming. Or a 20-year-old, no less.

BLAH BLAH BLAH…group date night portion…Kelly says some entertaining comments…BLAH BLAH BLAH. Clare is getting too much attention. Date over.

OR IS IT?!?!??!?!? Clare has just had the best day EVER picking crops and riding in baskets in sewage – she really doesn’t want it to end!!!! So…Clare goes over to Pabs’ suite and decides to wake him up. She reveals that her bucket list item is to swim in warm water at which point all of America cracks up. She clearly wanted to say a different word for ‘swim’ but decided to Disney-fy it for ABC. The benefit? Her stupid effing bucket list. Clare’s life consists of no octopus eating and no hot water. She’s like, Slumdog Millionaire, minus the millionaire.

The two of them going in the ocean and do some dirty things…I just hope for the other girls’ sake she was taking her Valtrex.

Clare’s sub par Courtney imitation leads us into the next date…

Nikki!…Who finally gets the 1-1 date she never ever in a million effing years wanted; rappelling down a cave with Pabs and sweating her ass off while doing so. At least her hair looked cute. Though, it looked slightly cuter in her Interviews than on the real date (but still a good try for matching it! A++). I am not sure what happened during the rest of their date because I was online shopping and got distracted. Not for nothing I bought a really amazing leather shirt. Either way, keep what you’re doing Nikki, looking cute and cracking me up.

Fast forward to the rose ceremony and Pabs’ sells out Clare faster than the Target Missoni Collection. Pabs’ sex and kissing rules are harder to figure out than a game of clue while heavily intoxicated. THEY MAKE NO SENSE. After they BOTH agree to go in the ocean and hook up, Pabs decides he needs to do some damage control for his daughter Cameeeeeeela, and essentially calls Clare a cheap rapey hooker. Not fair. Takes two to tango, bra. Don’t agree with him and in no way shape or form will that excuse what you did. No doubt Camila will be watching that sexcapade on youtube with her cabbage patch kid.

The rose ceremony commences, and apparently curly-haired girl said a couple of words. I missed it. But this is me, still not caring.

Kelly my FAVE gets the boot, which unfortunately I knew was coming…since, much like me, she had minimal conversations with the Bachelor but a TON OF FUN talking sh*t (and being witty) about everything else. Thank you for making this show entertaining KELL. Now I don’t care that I’ll be missing the next two episodes.

My top 3 FOR PABS:

1)      Nikki

2)      Renee

3)      Andi

What did you all think?



21 comments on “I Haven’t Swam in Warm Water Since Nam. Bachelor Recap Ep. 5

  • Jaclyn! Tell me what you think about the fact that NOBODY has had a meaningful conversation with Pabs except Sharleen. Her one on one date last week what the only time I learned ANYTHING about Pabs except for the fact that he thinks every girl is fun and cute.

    • I absolutely LOVE Sharleen. She is so honest with her depth and the fact that he just isn’t on her level. It’s like she’s trying but struggling, but not having a problem admitting that…All of the other girls just blind themselves to this. I respect her for her being so upfront and real! And I think she’s gorg too 🙂

  • lol “sells out Clare faster than the Target Missoni Collection.” had me cracking up 😀 you’re so damn hilariousss and i didn’t really pay attention to nikki’s date either but nikki > clare

  • okay please answer this for us.

    Does the bachelor get to see the girls while NOT filming at these destinations? Like I’m finding it hard to believe that a week goes by, and the bachelor pops by 3 times to pick up the girls for dates. I have a strange suspicion that the crew and contestants and the bachelor all hang out off camera.

    I’ve been wondering this for YEARS, it’d be awesome if I could finally get to the bottom of it.
    P.S – Your comments are amazing and you are bachelornation QUEEN on twitter.


  • When Nikki said “Even though we’re in hell being with Juan Pablo makes me feel like I’m in heaven” a collective groan went across America and I almost threw something at my TV. These metaphors get worse every season.

  • You didn’t say anything about Sharleen. What do you think about that? I feel like she is only explainable as some guys beard. I don’t get his supposed attraction to her. Like at all.

    • I think in theory it was a good idea, but then they realized JP couldn’t speak english and they were like OH F*CK.

      Out of this season? I think Clare & Kelly would be good choices….YOU!? (and me ha!)

  • I think Juan Pabs is a manipulative mind-effer. Every time he got in Clare’s face and said “look at me, look at me,” I had this visceral reaction to kick him in the sac.

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