So it’s been a year, and literally nothing in my life has changed. Other than the fact that I’m probably bitchier and use the excuse that I am now a “Midwesterner” to cover that up. Chicago has been fun…the food is sub par, and the girls are uglier than New York…so all in all, a win.
Now on to #THEBACHELOR! Where the wine is a flowin and the bitches be blowin….their one liners, that is.
RECAP EPISODE 1: Naked and Afraid
Do you watch Naked and Afraid? Well you should, because it’s literally the most perplexing show in the entire universe. I mean at least on Double Dare you got a shitty vacation with your family for making a fool of yourself. Well, on Naked and Afraid you literally get NO PRIZE for being naked, with a partner, in some effed up location struggling to survive for 21 days….the prize? BUG BITES IN YOUR VAG, HOSPITALIZATIONS, SKIN BOILS AND SOME MEANINGLESS RATING WHICH NOT EVEN YOUR GRANDMA WILL APPRECIATE…
That is how I envision the grand prize of living in Iowa. With the way Chris describes it…I am not too keen on the idea of relocation. He’s 33 and hasn’t met 25 women. Premature fireworks in the fantasy suites this season. Amirightamiright?! We haven’t seen that since………………wait for it…………………Ed.
We open the red carpet event (that I missed because I was on a plane) with the golden children, Catherine and Sean. CAN WE TALK ABOUT CATHERINE’S CAPE?! To die for. I just wanted to rip it off her neck and then slap her for beating me to it. They talked nonsense for a few minutes while some freakaleaks held up hand made signs and all I could think about was: WHEN DID SEAN BECOME A GINGER?! Remember this little shayna punam?
Chris does a great job of introducing us to farming, which consists of fishing in a sewer with Dad, dinner with the rents (7 corn centerpiece!!!!!!), and regressing socially. He says “farming is like planting a seed…plant it, and watch it grow…” and just like that, we excuse the kindergarten teacher from the set and hope the analogies improve.
Chris leans and ponders over his motorcycle (NOT A BALCONY OMG I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING MERCURY MUST BE IN RETROGRADE! DONT EAT TOO MUCH TUNA THOUGH, LOTS OF MERCURY THERE. UNLESS YOU’RE AT NOBU) and then rides off into the sunset/7-11 for a slurpie.
We learn more about Arlington, Iowa, and I don’t know about you, but a population of 400 people has me freaking the EFF out. One slip up and you’re Demi Moore in the Scarlett Letter. Whores on Whores on Corn.
Pan over to the awkward red carpet, and I see a disco ball putting on lip gloss/it’s Erica Rose. From Bachelor, to 2 seasons of Bachelor Pad, to whatever show she made up on VH1 and Bravo, girl cannot get away from the camera….and I never want her to leave.
Next we hear from Lacey and yawn….Marcus. I am so glad Lacey dyed her hair darker — BUT OH WAIT? Are those 4 courtesy trashy highlights? I want to punch her hairstylist for playing a mean, mean joke on her client. Brown hair, blonde highlights hasn’t been a good look since Laguna Beach.
We finally make it to hometown packages, here we go!
Britt – a waitress from LA who looks famished….I am sure she is TOTALLY there for the right reasons. Just like I am at McDonalds for a salad. She will later win the first impression rose for reasons unknown, other than distributing free hugs to people who don’t want them.
Jillian – Talked about how she could bench press Chris in the weightroom, and pointed to her muscles for 2 hours.
Amanda – she plays a secret admirer with crazy eyes. Looks like that annoying chick from Princesses of Long Island who was convinced her fiance was straight while the rest of us laughed along. And this:
Whitney – GO WHITNEY GO!!! Did anyone notice the fact that she wore yellow shoes and a black dress for Iowa colors?! Not a mistake. Absolutely smitten over Chris and totally there for the right reasons…why do I know this? She has no idea how the f*ck to work twitter. Hog jokes, baby jokes…whatever, her laugh is contagious…and well, that might have been a snort.
Kelsey – Widow bomb way too soon. Take 5.
Mackenzie – Sporting a perm, and on acid sitting on a rock. Higher than the dude at Coachella who couldn’t get his flip flop on. Has a kid, which means she will be eliminated soon, but not on the first ep, because, you know, rules! Kid’s name is Kale. If Chris is cool with naming her second child GlutenFree Soules, then have at it, buster.
Alyssa – Flight Attendant, but I prefer Stewardess because PC is so lame. If I were Chris I’d pull a Final Destination, get off that plane, and make out with Devon Sawa or Jack from Dawson’s. Upgrade!
Trina – Her hair looked like Dolly Parton on a crack bender.
Ashley I – No chick from Jersey is a virgin. See: Snooki. Up there for best dressed. Smokeshow.
Regan – Carries guts in her cooler instead of beers. Sionara, losery murderer!
Tara – Comes in in a FLANNEL AND JEAN SHORTS. The girls react and honestly, I am floored at how subtle their reaction is. I probably would have turned to stone at first glance of her. MEDUSA!!!! WHO DOESNT WEAR A DRESS!!!!! Later she gets shammered and beats out tons of ‘with-it’ girls for a rose. I love you Chris.
Amber – Wore the same dress as my friend Jennifer on my season. Get a hike.
Nikki – Flew in from Peru. Like I just flew in from Peru. I got this rock in Peru. I am sooooo privileged!
Oh and hey Nikki:
Ashley S – Tried to teach us about layers of an onion but the only thing that is making my eyes tear is that a greatpair of loubs is being wasted on a nut job.
Carly – (Disney Cruise Lines) She came out singing with an easy bake oven and a cupcake dress. It’s pretty clear that the limo was supposed to take her to her debut on “My Super Sweet Sixteen,” where she was supposed to make out with her pimply boyfriend, Chaz, and get a souped up Mercedes in order to make friends.
Brittany – I wouldn’t be surprised if this chick starred in Sharknado 3 because she smells of Tara Reid desperation. I mean I LOVE for love and lemons dresses, but this outfit was a cry for help. I hope someone hires her a good therapist. Tell John Cena I say hi.
Kara – Wore a Nancy Kerrigan outfit. I will play Tonya Harding. Someone pass me a crow bar.
Jade – HOTTIE. Sexy dress and wore the sh*t out of it.
Kaitlyn – I AM SO THANKFUL SHE’S IN THIS HOUSE. Jokes cheesier than melted mozz, and I want more.
Tracy – A teacher who writes a pretend letter from her students in order to admit to Chris that she’s a psycho with 9 cats.
A bunch of these girls went home, and some stuck. Surface level stuff here people….that’s why these are the BEST episodes.
I am not sure who is in Chris’ top 5 right now, so I am going to wait to give my opinion…but until then, please stop saying Prince Farming. Stop trying to make Fetch happen.
Let me know YOUR thoughts on this season below!