Marry, Shuck, Kill: An E! True Hollywood Story (Bachelor 19 Ep 1)

Published January 8, 2015 by jaclynswartz
This is an awkward photo, but, undeniably hot.

This is an awkward photo, but, undeniably hot.

So it’s been a year, and literally nothing in my life has changed. Other than the fact that I’m probably bitchier and use the excuse that I am now a “Midwesterner” to cover that up. Chicago has been fun…the food is sub par, and the girls are uglier than New York…so all in all, a win.

Now on to #THEBACHELOR! Where the wine is a flowin and the bitches be blowin….their one liners, that is.

RECAP EPISODE 1: Naked and Afraid

Do you watch Naked and Afraid? Well you should, because it’s literally the most perplexing show in the entire universe. I mean at least on Double Dare you got a shitty vacation with your family for making a fool of yourself. Well, on Naked and Afraid you literally get NO PRIZE for being naked, with a partner, in some effed up location struggling to survive for 21 days….the prize? BUG BITES IN YOUR VAG, HOSPITALIZATIONS, SKIN BOILS AND SOME MEANINGLESS RATING WHICH NOT EVEN YOUR GRANDMA WILL APPRECIATE…

That is how I envision the grand prize of living in Iowa. With the way Chris describes it…I am not too keen on the idea of relocation. He’s 33 and hasn’t met 25 women. Premature fireworks in the fantasy suites this season. Amirightamiright?! We haven’t seen that since………………wait for it…………………Ed.

We open the red carpet event (that I missed because I was on a plane) with the golden children, Catherine and Sean. CAN WE TALK ABOUT CATHERINE’S CAPE?! To die for. I just wanted to rip it off her neck and then slap her for beating me to it. They talked nonsense for a few minutes while some freakaleaks held up hand made signs and all I could think about was: WHEN DID SEAN BECOME A GINGER?! Remember this little shayna punam?

Natural Blonde, effing duh!

Natural Blonde, effing duh!

Moving on…

Chris does a great job of introducing us to farming, which consists of fishing in a sewer with Dad, dinner with the rents (7 corn centerpiece!!!!!!), and regressing socially. He says “farming is like planting a seed…plant it, and watch it grow…” and just like that, we excuse the kindergarten teacher from the set and hope the analogies improve.

The puppy who lost his way found himself on The Bachelor.

The puppy who lost his way found himself on The Bachelor. Happily Ever After.

Chris leans and ponders over his motorcycle (NOT A BALCONY OMG I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING MERCURY MUST BE IN RETROGRADE! DONT EAT TOO MUCH TUNA THOUGH, LOTS OF MERCURY THERE. UNLESS YOU’RE AT NOBU) and then rides off into the sunset/7-11 for a slurpie.

We learn more about Arlington, Iowa, and I don’t know about you, but a population of 400 people has me freaking the EFF out. One slip up and you’re Demi Moore in the Scarlett Letter. Whores on Whores on Corn.

Pan over to the awkward red carpet, and I see a disco ball putting on lip gloss/it’s Erica Rose. From Bachelor, to 2 seasons of Bachelor Pad, to whatever show she made up on VH1 and Bravo, girl cannot get away from the camera….and I never want her to leave.

Next we hear from Lacey and yawn….Marcus. I am so glad Lacey dyed her hair darker — BUT OH WAIT? Are those 4 courtesy trashy highlights? I want to punch her hairstylist for playing a mean, mean joke on her client. Brown hair, blonde highlights hasn’t been a good look since Laguna Beach.

We finally make it to hometown packages, here we go!

Britt – a waitress from LA who looks famished….I am sure she is TOTALLY there for the right reasons. Just like I am at McDonalds for a salad. She will later win the first impression rose for reasons unknown, other than distributing free hugs to people who don’t want them.

Jillian – Talked about how she could bench press Chris in the weightroom, and pointed to her muscles for 2 hours.

Amanda – she plays a secret admirer with crazy eyes. Looks like that annoying chick from Princesses of Long Island who was convinced her fiance was straight while the rest of us laughed along. And this:

I'll probs kill you while you're sleeping. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I’ll probs kill you while you’re sleeping. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Whitney – GO WHITNEY GO!!! Did anyone notice the fact that she wore yellow shoes and a black dress for Iowa colors?! Not a mistake. Absolutely smitten over Chris and totally there for the right reasons…why do I know this? She has no idea how the f*ck to work twitter. Hog jokes, baby jokes…whatever, her laugh is contagious…and well, that might have been a snort.

Kelsey – Widow bomb way too soon. Take 5.

Mackenzie – Sporting a perm, and on acid sitting on a rock. Higher than the dude at Coachella who couldn’t get his flip flop on. Has a kid, which means she will be eliminated soon, but not on the first ep, because, you know, rules! Kid’s name is Kale. If Chris is cool with naming her second child GlutenFree Soules, then have at it, buster.

Alyssa – Flight Attendant, but I prefer Stewardess because PC is so lame. If I were Chris I’d pull a Final Destination, get off that plane, and make out with Devon Sawa or Jack from Dawson’s. Upgrade!

Trina – Her hair looked like Dolly Parton on a crack bender.

Ashley I – No chick from Jersey is a virgin. See: Snooki. Up there for best dressed. Smokeshow.

Regan – Carries guts in her cooler instead of beers. Sionara, losery murderer!

Tara – Comes in in a FLANNEL AND JEAN SHORTS. The girls react and honestly, I am floored at how subtle their reaction is. I probably would have turned to stone at first glance of her. MEDUSA!!!! WHO DOESNT WEAR A DRESS!!!!! Later she gets shammered and beats out tons of ‘with-it’ girls for a rose. I love you Chris.

Check me out betches! No dress.

Check me out betches! No dress. I’m drunk. Bai.

Amber – Wore the same dress as my friend Jennifer on my season. Get a hike.

Nikki – Flew in from Peru. Like I just flew in from Peru. I got this rock in Peru. I am sooooo privileged!

NIKKI KNOWS THE OOOOOOWNER

NIKKI KNOWS THE OOOOOOWNER

Oh and hey Nikki:

GO PATS!

GO PATS!

Ashley S – Tried to teach us about layers of an onion but the only thing that is making my eyes tear is that a greatpair of loubs is being wasted on a nut job.

Carly – (Disney Cruise Lines) She came out singing with an easy bake oven and a cupcake dress. It’s pretty clear that the limo was supposed to take her to her debut on “My Super Sweet Sixteen,” where she was supposed to make out with her pimply boyfriend, Chaz, and get a souped up Mercedes in order to make friends.

WHERE THE EFF IS MY CAR MAHHHHHHHHHM

WHERE THE EFF IS MY CAR MAHHHHHHHHHM

Brittany – I wouldn’t be surprised if this chick starred in Sharknado 3 because she smells of Tara Reid desperation. I mean I LOVE for love and lemons dresses, but this outfit was a cry for help. I hope someone hires her a good therapist. Tell John Cena I say hi.

Kara – Wore a Nancy Kerrigan outfit. I will play Tonya Harding. Someone pass me a crow bar.

Jade – HOTTIE. Sexy dress and wore the sh*t out of it.

Kaitlyn – I AM SO THANKFUL SHE’S IN THIS HOUSE. Jokes cheesier than melted mozz, and I want more.

Tracy – A teacher who writes a pretend letter from her students in order to admit to Chris that she’s a psycho with 9 cats.

Hard petter.

I’m a hard petter.

A bunch of these girls went home, and some stuck. Surface level stuff here people….that’s why these are the BEST episodes.

I am not sure who is in Chris’ top 5 right now, so I am going to wait to give my opinion…but until then, please stop saying Prince Farming. Stop trying to make Fetch happen.

Let me know YOUR thoughts on this season below!

XO

Jac

25 comments on “Marry, Shuck, Kill: An E! True Hollywood Story (Bachelor 19 Ep 1)

  • Love the honesty Jaclyn. Kaitlyn Is amazeballs…mostly because she’s a Canadian potty mouth and lets me serious, all of us Canadian girls talk trash. Crazy eyes freaked me right out. She was an immediate stage 5 stalker. Thrilled she hit the pavement on the first night. I have to say that I wasn’t overly impressed with the lady selection this year. Most of the chicks have the personality of a wet sock, but hey, They have boobs the size of my head and a waist line the size of my wrist. Kudos to them for living by the vow of “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. I’m still waiting for a bachelor/ette that kicks everyone off the show and picks one person to date for the remainder of the show within the first couple weeks. I will also settle for a Bachelor that take originality to a new level and proposes spontaneously as opposed to some formal rose ceremony in tuxedos and ball gowns.

  • glad you’re back! can’t remember my fave moments anymore but i think the producers did a good job w/ this premier. i love red carpet shows. and he might be my fave bach ever. he’s really hot and seems funny. sadly, it seems like it’s all down hill from here. i’m soooo over the pseudo-puritanism about the bach hooking up (in the “This season on…”). i think he SHOULD get busy with most of the girls if he’s trying to decide if he wants to effing propose!

      • Ha! i don’t want to actually watch him him get it on w/ most of these women (eww–remember some of the tonguey kisses?!?). but i love that it’s suddenly ok on bach pad/paradise when it’s just to win something/have fun but it’s not ok when you’re theoretically looking for a mate. so cheesy.

  • PS–for a good laugh, check out their ages on the abc website. The rejected yoga teacher who comes back at the end is “28,” Kara the soccer coach is “25,” and Regan, the cadaver scrounger is “28.” Bahahahaha also Tara’s occupation is “sport fishing enthusiast.” Does that mean she catches/sells fish for a live? or goes on fishing trips w/ sugar daddies? serious question.

  • Yay, excited you are recapping again too! Seriously wanted your reaction to Lacey’s comment, “We are 80/40 on the wedding location”. WTF? I romanticized that it would be great to move to Iowa until I saw the hometown ladies stand up in the studio audience. Um, if that’s what happens after moving there all the girls need to exit left. Stat. Too many women to try to decide anything yet. Have a great week! Wait one more thought, the red carpet was ok, but really, they couldn’t find more than like 50 fans so the carpet could be a little more legit??? Or, just not show the wide shot. Lame.

  • I don’t understand how any of these girls could survive in Arlington, Iowa. There are no yoga studios, cosmetology schools, hair salons, or the ever popular dentists offices (well hopefully they have some, but who knows.) Seriously how many dental hygienists have there been in Bachelor history? But honestly whoever wins will convince Chris to move to LA, write a book about the how they found love in the cornfields and then update us on Instagram about how they are becoming famous but try to convince us that they really “don’t like the spotlight” and would rather spend their days hanging out with pigs. I can’t imagine any of these girls actually living and working on a farm. Except maybe Witney since she brought up hogs and is from the Midwest. On Wisconsin! (she’s from Illinois but Madison, WI is the tits).

  • I don’t understand how any of these girls could survive in Arlington, Iowa. There are no yoga studios, cosmetology schools, hair salons, or the ever popular dentists offices (well hopefully they have some, but who knows.) Seriously how many dental hygienists have there been in Bachelor history? But honestly whoever wins will convince Chris to move to LA, write a book about the how they found love in the cornfields and then update us on Instagram about how they are becoming famous but try to convince us that they really “don’t like the spotlight” and would rather spend their days hanging out with pigs. I can’t imagine any of these girls actually living and working on a farm. Except maybe Witney since she brought up hogs and is from the Midwest. On Wisconsin! (she’s from Illinois but Madison, WI is the tits).

  • Thank God you’re back! You’re recaps are the absolute best. I live in Iowa and can honestly say how you envision it is pretty much exactly how it is. Definitely comparable to Naked and Afraid. Thanks for the recap! Also, Gooo Pats Goo 🙂

  • Catherine’s cape…I found it somewhat visually interesting but also thought it would be a good strategic cover-up, at least for me. The black blocking was at all my fat parts: upper arms, hips, knees. Hmm. Might have to get me one of those and wear it for the rest of my life instead of exercising.

  • Great recap, love the GlutenFree Soules name for Kale’s sibling. I’m still having a hard time understanding how Kale’s mama didn’t know what “alfalfa” was. And the finger-painting activity was not really meant for cocktails. She’s not going far.

    I didn’t know you recapped! I’ll add you to my blogroll (I’m a fellow recapper and recap reader). Oh, and I spent all day home sick watching Naked and Afraid so this was my day to find you on here! I would last 5 minutes or less on that show with a survival rating of 3/100.

  • Leave a Reply

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

    WordPress.com Logo

    You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

    Google+ photo

    You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

    Connecting to %s

    %d bloggers like this: