Warm, Salty….Milk and Jimmy Kimmel takes OVER. This is #TheBachelor Ep 3. Recap

Published January 23, 2015 by jaclynswartz

Well it’s good to know that Chris is nice in the morning – because if I was the girl who won I would be watching that and getting really excited to bark orders at that man as soon as I woke up.


So after Chris does not murder Jimmy for waking him up at probably 3am after 14 minutes of sleep, we pan over to Jimmy entering the house.

Chris is all, there is a new man in your life! And then some chick who is clearly over production starts to guess what it is…”a dog…an animal…a cat…” and Jimmy walks in and everyone squeals like the pigs that will eventually become their only friends when they move to Iowa.

Jimmy will be helping with the dates this week! Yay! The girls are then presented with something called the “amazing” jar, where every time the word is said, 1 dollar is donated to the jar. This is really funny in theory but then I realize that we just have to listen to the girls repeat a different word that they think is WAY more advanced; ‘Extravagant.’ Needless to say hardly any of these girls got over a 400 Verbal on their SATs, and that’s including the girls who were graded on a 2400 scale.


Have you ever seen Jimmy Kimmel Lie Witness News? Because I would have loved to see Ashley S. absolutely slaughter this.

Also, let’s be honest. I would follow Jimmy around the house like a sad puppy dog and then cling on to his leg as hard as I did when I latched on to a tree my last day of camp. I just have always hated reality I guess.

Don't you leave me. Don't you DARE EFFING LEAVE ME JIMMAYYYYY!

Don’t you leave me. Don’t you DARE EFFING LEAVE ME JIMMAYYYYY!

Kaitlyn gets a 1:1 date with Chris and looks really cute in her crop top and maxi skirt…and, wait for it wait for it….A FLANNEL.

Me at the grocery store:



Kaitlyn at the grocery store:


CROP TOP CITY. I want to go to there.

But for real unlimited ORDERBS (I have a friend who spells it like that) is my idea of an ideal date, but we all know Iowa doesn’t have Costco. It’s going to be like a real life version of Win a Date With Tad Hamilton, with all of the Piggly Wigglys, minus Josh Duhamel, and plus 40 more annoying Topher Grace’s that have since aged and gained 400 pounds.

Jimmy comes over to Chris’ house after they’ve sprinkled pepper on some steaks and made some toast in the toaster. Kaitlyn calls Jimmy an asshole for sending them to Costco, but really she’s happy not to be on a helicopter where she repeats the word “wow” over and over while rubbing Chris’ inner thigh. We learn that Kaitlyn will definitely be having sex with Chris if she makes it to the Fantasy Suite which has secured her spot in the final 3.

Chris gives 16 horrible speeches asking Kaitlyn to accept the rose and she gladly accepts even though he’s not a legit farmer like the past cow milkers she has dated.

We then pan over to Jillian working out – making sure to cover up her peen with a black box. She seriously needs to lay off the roids. Her body is way bigger than her head and she looks like those weird dudes from beetlejuice who I still have nightmares about on the regs.

Hi Chris, i'm Jillian. Wanna make out? Didn't think so.

Hi Chris, I’m Jillian. Wanna make out? Didn’t think so.

Next is a group date where they girls have to do a farm relay race in a field. No chance I would have participated. Like just sit there and lift my pinky and then eliminate myself due to the fact that my shoes are not manure friendly. Come on ladies, no man that would ask you to participate in a relay with 6 different types of animal sh*t is someone who you want to marry.

Aside from like 17 cum jokes that were birthed from their interviews, the ladies’ (and man’s) outfits were all over the map.

We have Jillian who is the modern day version of Finkle is Einhorn, Einhorn is Finkle, doing a bad tuck job in her mini shorts requiring a black box to cover it up, once again. Don’t forget the Stay Classy MUSCLE TEE which she adorned with a metal statement necklace. I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep tonight without a heavy dose of ambien.

Kelsey wore a business blouse with leggings and running shoes.

Some others mixed up Prairie with Farmer and I think were a little confused because the only farm book they have ever read was Charlotte’s Web.

Nikki took the cake for best dressed on this date for me.

At the night portion of the date the girls each take Chris to different areas to kiss him so that no one has to talk.

Mackenzie, the resident idiot, is perplexed that Chris is kissing other girls quoting “why is he kissing the other girls?.” OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. Is this chick living inside a Wee Sing in Sillyville VHS? I mean some of the alumni of this show are pushing 50 – are you really that dumb that you don’t know how this show works? And beyond that point even more dumb that you went on a national TV show that you knew nothing about?

You are living in a land that needs to get its colors back!

You are living in a land that needs to get its colors back!

I usually try to keep my real sh*t talking for private text messages to my friends that include entire camera rolls of other peoples pathetic instagram photos, but I really couldn’t hold it in about Mackenzie. Yes she may be 12, and yes she may have been blacked out when she named her child, but if I lived in that house there is no way I could be within 100 feet of her.

Moving along, the girls all eat Chris’ face, with the exception of Becca who wants to take things in real world pace and wants to wait to smooch. Let’s just say you have to look like Becca in order for this strategy to work out, so WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Did anyone else notice that Jillian wants to bang Britt? Her hands are always on her like a psychotic boyfriend. Next thing you know she’s tattooing B R I T T across her muscular chest with a pen and fingering her on a rollercoaster to wild horses. We all know that’s followed by killing her best guy friend and cutting off her dogs head. Fun times ahead for you, Britt!

You're probs gonna need a restraining order.

You’re probs gonna need a restraining order.

Back at the house we see Whitney get her 1:1 date card and she cries tears of joy. It’s basically the way I cried when I went on dates with Ben but for completely different reasons.


I’m not gonna lie, I cried when Whitney cried when she got the date. I proceeded to slap myself 72 times but I will say that Whitney is a good friend of mine and I could just see how effing happy she was and it literally melted my ice cold heart.

Whitney and Chris go and have some wine and my only take away was how hard he laughed at YOLO. There is only one word worse than YOLO, and its YOPO.

Whitney and Chris go to crash a wedding, and HOLY UPDO WHIT, nailed it! Looking gorg. They head straight to the head table where Chris proceeds to EFF UP THE ENTIRE PLAN, and Whitney is a stand up gal for not beating the shit out of him then and there. Chris and Whitney do some awkward dance moves and then Whitney almost murders half of the women there to grab the bouquet FOR HER STATS! Numbers gal. The only thing missing was Whitney giving Chris the good ol’ OTPHJ and some great imitations of the stage 5 clinger from Wedding Crashers.

It’s clear Whitney and Chris have a natural connection and he feels really comfortable around her. And like, while I’m trying not to be biased for blog purposes, GO WHITNEY GOOO!

So, the 3 with roses are Kaitlyn, Becca and Whitney.

Jimmy drops the horrible news that there will be NO COCKTAIL PARTY – which yields the same irrational reactions as his videos where parents tell their kids they ate all their Halloween candy. He then proceeds to talk to them like I do my cleaning lady and say “YOU     LIIIIIKE   POOOOOL?”

The girls get in their sluttiest bikinis/black boxes and put on their ugliest of ugly headpieces. We also learn where the girls grew up judging by who shows up to the party in bikinis and heels, and who doesn’t.


I am not going to get into the details of Juelia’s poolside conversation, because suicide is absolutely never a joking matter, but I did feel extremely uncomfortable because I felt like I was getting a large dose of personal information that I am not sure I was prepared for. I know on this show you are pressed for time but I just think this was a serious case of #toosoon.

My heart and thoughts go out to Juelia, as I know what it is like to be blindsided by mental illness and suicide – something that we will never fully understand.

This still does not excuse that headband.

The rest of the girls turn into rabid dogs and try to dryhump Chris in all locations of the girls mansion and the bachelor house.

Aside from the headband and trash tat mafia, we have Jade in formal wedding wear white stilettos and a nude bra that some/I claim to be boobie. We paused the tv and took photos (KEWL, I KNOW! #thisis30), rewinded 6 times and came to an agree to disagree conclusion. Can we stop focusing on DEFLATEGATE and start focusing on BOOBGATE?

All the girls are liiiike….


After Ashley I has a schizo episode, she proceeds to bite off Chris’ face once again — almost taking it to double homicide status by falling off a balcony with her rabid aggression. Looks like this girl never practiced making out with her hand in the 6th grade. Something that Kim Kardashian started doing in the womb, but with a banana.


In the end some girls go home who will remain no names and we are left with some more girls who are inching towards the grand prize of a Hyena laugh for life.

Top 5 for Chris:

  • Whitney
  • Kaitlyn
  • Becca
  • Carly
  • Britt

Best dressed honorable mention because they haven’t shown her talking ONCE, but I spy those clothes and they should not go ignored…(the TRUE winner in my eyes)



Let me know what you guys think!


24 comments on “Warm, Salty….Milk and Jimmy Kimmel takes OVER. This is #TheBachelor Ep 3. Recap

  • Omg You Are Hysterical!!!! I started following you on Juan Pablo’s season and I would literally crack up and half pee myself with everything you said. Your perspective is dead on and pretty damn funny. Thanks for being a light side to the drama and wildness that is the Bachelor:) Keep it up J.

  • You consistently make me laugh. I hope you do this for ages!!! I started following you back in the Don Juan season and literally half peed myself after pretty much everything that came/comes out of your mouth! Keep it going J. You’re making recaps everywhere else look super ho hum, and killing it in the laughs department! Thanks!!!!

    • Thank you!! It literally is so hard to keep up the funny! But you telling me you’re still laughing makes me happy – so thanks for all of your support even when times were real tough during Juan Carlos season. You’re very welcome!!!

  • Loved this week’s blog! Regarding Mackenzie- PREACH GIRL! Question: Do you know if the wedding crashing was planned or truly spur of the moment??!

  • I am DYING for your next recap.
    there is so much to talk about… the weird love guru date, umm what even was that?! I can’t unsee that no matter how hard I try… Carly’s eyebrows though. too many close ups for all that.

    your blogs have me laughing so hard. I can’t read anyone else’s recaps.

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