Breaking News: Bachelor’s presence cures the fake anxiety worldwide epidemic. Bach Recap Ep 6.

Published February 11, 2015 by jaclynswartz

We open up in Santa Fe, New Mexico, home of kes ah dillas and sombreros.

Chris is still bad at speeches, and Kelsey is still on the floor, where she has remained the last week. The cameras hone in on her heinous booties and decide to torture us more – not to mention her awkward positioning on the floor?! If you are going to fake collapse at least lie gracefully on the floor.

Me and Chris after I fake passed out from fake anxiety.

Me and Chris after I fake pass out from fake anxiety.

Everyone’s minds are boggled, because KELSEY IS SO FAKE, and they don’t understand that fake is the equivalent to not ever wanting to live in Iowa in the first place. So Chris eliminates them all…

Just kidding, he eliminates Samantha who never said one word, but I am totally relieved that i can finally stop being jealous of her dark long locks and bright blue eyes. BUT IM FUNNY!

Mackenzie thinks she will NEVER EVER get over the heartache of being eliminated but we all know that’s not true because you are 21 years old, don’t know left from right, and I am not even sure you know you are on The Bachelor….or that you named your son after spinach?


What also confuses me on a consistent basis is how Kelsey is still around despite her uncool creepshow mom hair dos that are a hybrid of the following:




Unless you are Mandy Moore on the set of “Candy” singing ooooooh ahhh ya ya ya ya ya over and over again, then you have no business wearing these, ever. Like even if I were to go in to a time machine closet to win over Mark Ruffalo in 13 going on 30, I would not be caught dead wearing butterfly clips.

Kelsey gets the rose and the girls are pissed she used her Widow Card to gain a sympathy rose. I meannnnnnn….I really don’t like Kelsey but let’s call a spade a spade here. I think the girls like Jueeueuelia, right? She did the exact same thing by using her Tragedy Card as her Who Wants To Be A Millionaire lifeline. (It’s impossible not to say that title in the Slumdog accent)

To be honest, I would totally use this strategy if i thought i was about to be eliminated. I mean if you think you are going to go home, chances are…YOU ARE! So naturally, I thought long and hard about what my story would be. I think when I was on it was that my parents were divorced, which like 99.9% of the population is anyway. I mean, what a loser I was! Literally got me negative sympathy.

I need a redo.

So this is my REAL story: When I was growing up, life was so hard. All of my friends’ parents bought them the entire Kate Spade handbag collection. I had to babysit EVERY.SINGLE.SATURDAY to save up to buy myself the rectangular single strap Kate Spade. DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT WAS? That was the cheapest bag in the collection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn’t my story….AMAZING? I am so eloquent.

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Anyway, we all travel with the circus to South Dakota. Chris says there is so much history here! The only history in South Dakota is it was the sh*ttiest leg of my Teen Tour (CRAP. This is not in line with my Tragedy Card please don’t tell Chris, please don’t tell him). I remember Mt. Rushmore being a letdown because even my beanies are too big for their rock carved heads. ‘MURICA!

ABC forces us to watch Chris do a Wild West Amusement Park type photo shoot and I think THE NERVE! But then I realize that I do this 365 days a year by forcing people to look at my selfies.

One on One with Becca:

They still haven’t kissed.


Becca and Chris go horseback riding in SD, and Becca has never ridden a man I mean horse before. Chris thinks she looks like a pro, and like she has been doing it forever….which is clearly a premeditated foreshadow.

Sidenote: The only time I ride horses is to get out of 6 hour hikes that my friends are forcing me to participate in. Hey blame my friends for the animal labor, not me.


Back at the house MY 3 FAVORITE GIRLS LEFT, Carly, Kaitlyn and Whitney confront the demonic plague, Kelsey, for being a flagrant liar. You can tell Whit is a little nervous, because Kelsey probably has a dull butter knife in her pocket to use as a murder weapon.

Kelsey claims she is “blessed with eloquence” which is funny as sh*t because everyone in the world knows that eloquence is obviously a LEARNED skill. But don’t worry folks, Kelsey know’s her ABC’s so she is self-proclaimed smart.


Aside from Antoine Dodson speaking the truth, he is also a hair dresser. Hit him up, Kelsey.

Becca and Chris One on One night portion:

Chris laughs for like 98% of the date, which makes me laugh hysterically. His laugh is seriously such a crowd pleaser. I love it.

Chris says that his expectations were blown out of the water which is pretty confusing considering there wasn’t much of a conversation that happened on this date.


The take away from this date: Becca gets a rose and I want to date Becca’s dentist.


Jade, Britt, Whitney, Carly, Kaitlyn, and Megan have to live a nightmare and sing Country with Big and Rich. I had no idea who they were until I realized they sang “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy…” And lord knows, if you were in a Sorority, YOU KNOW THAT SONG – since it’s slogan was printed on 65 of your slut themed dress up party tee shirts.

Things we learned on this date:

Jade without make up looks like this:


Me without makeup looks like this:

I woke up like this.

I woke up like this. Flawless.

Britt claims she cannot sing. But she is an actress acting like someone who cannot sing.

Whitney’s accent gets thicker when she sings, which defies my entire personal scientific experiment that proves accents disappear when people sing. Also, I made Whitney sing me her full song this week and it was actually really cute, I was impressed!! (with her lyrics that is…not her performance).

Kaitlyn can rap, like for real, and also says beaver a lot. I need to use that word more in my daily life. Beaver, so hot right now. (hehe).

Megan taps the mic like she’s Mariah Carey and it’s weird because….why?

Jade’s anxiety is endearing and kudos to her for not forgetting all words and then doing weird stuff on stage and omg….hot flashes over here…FML.

I am sorry for ruining Sister Christian for you forever.

Britt gets to go to a private concert with Chris and I’d be like omg – Parents are gone, Babysitter’s dead, let’s get wild and be our true selves!!!!!!!!!!! No?

The girls get pissed AF, and Britt get’s the rose so she can continue acting her way through to Episode 7.

Britt’s halloween costume:


Chris, Ashley and Kelsey: 2 Crazies. 1 Bachelor

Kelsey said she knows EXACTLY where the Badlands are and EXACTLY what they are because she has buried like 48392048 bodies and all of her evidence there.

Ashley get’s her time first and she’s wearing her cheesiest dangley belly button ring, corn rows and blonde bobby pins. Their kissing continues to be painfully awkward but Ashley’s is CONFIDENT she’s getting the rose. Then Ashley, the girl who wouldn’t make it 32 seconds in Iowa, tells Chris that Kelsey is fake.

Kelsey is fake upset and then goes back to the bed that is set up in the middle of desert for the ULTIMATE AWKWARD STARE DOWN. I honestly would be sh*tting my pants if a girl with a closet full of cardigans was staring me down.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

Kelsey, with a GI Jane blazer and anal beads around her neck, continues to talk crap about Ashley’s inability to talk in big words. Not gonna lie, her dress up comment had me on the floor.

Ashley starts crying and runs back to Chris. She tries to explain herself as he rejects her and Chris is like….


Ashley continues to cry, but we all know she was happy to go home because she clearly ran out of fresh eyelashes. Those things were more f*cked up than James Franco was when he consented to sex with Lindsay Lohan.

Chris then ALSO eliminates sociopath sally, and according to Chris, a date has never been so fun!


All the craziness has removed the need for a rose ceremony this episode with Kelsey and Ashley both going home. Chris does us all a favor and leaves them to die in the desert.

RIP Kelsey. Or should I say RIP Jaclyn just in case Kelsey reads this blog?

Let me know what you all think, I cannot wait to hear your comments from this ep.


19 comments on “Breaking News: Bachelor’s presence cures the fake anxiety worldwide epidemic. Bach Recap Ep 6.

  • I thought Ash,et throwing Britt under the bus when being elongated was great! She was right Britt doesn’t want to live in Iowa. If your going down go down with a bang! The best part of the episode was when the girls at the house realized that both crazies were gone Carly started poping bottles and had a celebration!

  • Wow! What a nut job Kelsey is, and thank God you acknowledged what had been driving me crazy since Week 1: Kelsey’s grandma hair, and fashion sense. I can’t stand seeing women, of any age, dress so badly. Yet, even with that pitiful hair, she seemed pretty sure she was hawt. I guess I could appreciate her dimples, but that overbite, and gee-hawing laugh made her fashion and hair choices even worse. Glad she’s gone, except she was entertaining. Carly started to grate a little this week. I get that she’s really invested in Chris, especially after the Tantric date, but her jealousy, and mean comments about girls she’s acting buddied up to, is off putting. Tired of Jade’s self-pity, and lack of self-esteem. Maybe that’s why she felt the need to show beav to the world? Nah, that was the paycheck. Britt’s acting, obviously, but she is gorgeous, and she’s got some “it” factor. Looks like she’s sayonara next week. Still loving Kaitlyn, Becca and Whitney, in that order. Time for the dummy (old Mexico) to vamoose. Love your blog, and think you’re funny, and smart!

    • Yeah I mean if you can’t even calculate what date you are on after someone reads a date card, it’s time to go. But at least megan makes me feel really smart, so there’s that. I love hearing your opinions!!! And I respect your picks for top 3.

  • aaaah that cub is so cute!!! also “I honestly would be sh*tting my pants if a girl with a closet full of cardigans was staring me down.”

    Thank you for pointing out how much Kelsey and Debbie Downer have in common 🙂 This was an amazing recap. Tragic, but amazing. 😛

  • THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS is why people stalk your twitter for your blog. seriously, SO FUNNY. i am supposed to be teaching right now but i am making my students do quiet work so i could read it! HAHAHHAA and LOL’ing…. love it.. and love whitney too- im glad you guys are friends haha
    question tho- i agree with your mentioning of britts inauthenticity… whats your take on her? obv shes an actress and acting her way through like you said BUT do you like her?

    • hahahah! Well if it is any consolation your kids are DOOMED anyway from social media, so you basically don’t even need to teach anymore. People literally bullied me into writing another one, and well, I caved. These things take hours to write, and require me to watch the bachelor TWICE. Whitney is the best – I absolutely love her and someone said I was was “biased” towards her – which is funny, because well, fucking duh, she’s my friend? Isn’t that what being friends means? Anyway sorry for the tangent. Thoughts on Britt: she is gorgeous but a phony. Not so sure she is there to be with Chris and live in Iowa….I’ll leave it at that. cough opportunist, cough.

  • My expectations have been blown out of the water by this recap. Jk, I knew you had it in you to make me roll on the floor AGAIN.
    When he let Samantha go, I was literally like, who is Samantha. Poor thing. Also Mackenzie, girl BYE. your heart will go on.
    PTL that cardigan Kelsey is dunzo. I think that date was the best one I’ve ever seen in my life. So awkward, so entertaining. In my head, ashley and Kelsey are still sitting on those crackly rocks in the desert, and when women tell all, they will bring a camera crew to them. Because neither of those crazies need back in society.
    Whitney is my fave, love her! But bless her heart that she couldn’t go to that concert, cause she appreciates the music… So like, WHY didn’t everyone go to the concert…I’m still confused by this. I get that he had to give a rose away but leaving the rest of the girls sitting in the bar for over an hour makes zero sense.
    I also really like Becca… and Carly(minus her scary eyebrows), cause her commentary is the highlight of the show.
    LOL, RIP JACLYN “I know what you did”

  • Great recap! Very funny. You, Jaclyn, are blessed with eloquence.

    I thought Eyelashley redeemed herself on Jimmy Kimmel when he interviewed her.
    Eyelashley was right: Britt is NO WAY moving to Iowa. I also have my doubts about Kaitlyn.

    So Chis wants 4 to 6 kids. Guess the winner gets stuck in a farmhouse in Iowa for 8 to 12 years. If it makes them happy that’s awesome…but no way that would fly with some of these women. Even Carly would likely have a hard time with that one. She must travel a lot for the cruise singing job. Becca and Whitney seem best suited for Chris. There are lots of awesome women this season, but I don’t see them all being okay with the Iowa lifestyle (corn n’ kids).

  • Hmmmm. Where to begin. Where to begin.
    I am having a hard time with this Kelsey shiz. I like my bachelor to be entertaining. I like my bachelor to be funny, have a couple of crazies, but like lite crazies. I like my bachelor to be surprising, fun, romantic. I like a little girl cat fighting action. I don’t like this crazy insane shit! This kind of shit is like when I watch a particularly scary Dateline and then I have to leave all the lights on that night when I go to bed. Crazy Dateline Bachelor is NOT how I like my bachelor!! So yeah, I thought the same exact thing about the hypocrisy in the girls being pissed that Kelsey used her “story” like a hail Mary, after the other girl had done the same thing. This is completely immaterial though because Kelsey has given them enough fuel for their hate, they were just misdirecting where it was coming from. Samantha was totally gorgeous and she’s probably better off now! Of course Mackenzie was not right for Chris, but I do have to comment that I think she handled herself well and seemed mature FOR HER AGE. It was so funny last week when she was laying on a bed with Ashley I, who was complaining about what a horrible person Whitney is and she said, “Well. I mean. I think she didn’t do anything bad it’s just that you don’t like her.” Kudos for her for not giving into peer pressure and joining in the bashing party! OMG do you ever just randomly hear, “LLLLLLAAAAAAATTTTIIIKKKAA………..” in your head?? I do. Like sometimes almost every day. Need to get that for my ring tone for real. Group date was kind of dumb. Chris is such a horrible singer and I thought it wasn’t even possible for a man to sing so badly just because of the fact that they have deep voices. Anywho. The part that was dumb about Chris taking Britt to the concert is that not only does she walk back in holding the rose, but they are also holding hands. I noticed he does this a lot and I think it’s totally rude on both his and the girls’ part. So disrespectful! Sorry but Becca’s date was boring. OMG the 2 on one was so great. Best one since Ashley H’s on her season. You know. Where the cell phone salesman William was already kissing his imaginary rose after the other guy got sent home. Then she sent him home. BOOM! Love it. Ok so the elephant in the room. Kelsey’s stare down. Are you freaking kidding me????? Holy Shit. All I could think about, except for locking all of my doors and windows, is what if she has a daughter one day and stares her down like that!!!! That is so scary it knocks the wind out of me thinking about it! So awkward how Chris peaces out in his helicopter and leaves the cry baby and the Craigslist killer alone together. Ok so I have a random comment about last week. So when Britt and Carly were sitting on the couch discussing her upcoming one on one date, did you notice what I noticed?? Carly was telling her that she NEEDS to shower before her one on one date. Well. When they first opened the date card Britt gasped and covered her mouth and leaned over on the couch exposing her undercarriage. I am ashamed that my eye looked there randomly, but it did, and there was like a brown poop mark on the crack area of her grey sweats. Right after they were going on and on about her hygiene issues. WTF? Yes I rewound it because I thought it just couldn’t be so. And it was. So yeah. Hope you blog next week, have a good one!

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