The Bachelor Season 17

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The Bachelor Episode 9 Recap: The Non-Funtasy Fantasy Suites

Published February 28, 2013 by jaclynswartz

So we arrive in Thigh-land and I am legit excited to see the most inaccurate portrayal of this country since Hangover 2 and Brokedown Palace.

We watch Sean recap the last 8 episodes, and honestly since I’ve been watching these episodes, taking notes and then writing these bad boys each week, I would rather watch paint dry. I think I can list out family members, family stories, and tell you where each chicks most prominent birthmarks are. It’s effing creepy.

We see Sean walk around various places in Thailand as he recaps his feelings/the same sentences repeated over and over again for each girl. But the best scene was by far him standing on the Thai version of a gondola and sailing through the open waters – I almost spit out my wine. Then we see him sit on some ledges in mantanks and sunglasses as he thinks super hard about his life. “Is there anything left to ponder?”

Lindsay is the first one to have her 1 on 1 date, and it’s pretty obvious girl needs a tutorial about how to walk in heels. An exchange of “you look cute…no you look cute…no you are…no you first” happens and I just want to be liiiike OMG HANG UP THE F*CKING PHONE.

Another reference to the wedding dress happens (drink and/or off yourself before it gets worse). Sean takes Lindsay on to an Asian golf cart that has nothing to do with golf, and at this point I would kick the driver right off of the cart and assume the date ends there. Like what could be better than driving around a rickety golf cart in Thailand? Nothing.

But surprise, they go to a Thai market which Sean thinks will be a great choice for Lindsay since all she is looking forward to is grocery shopping with Sean!!!!! EW EW EW. No. Reminder to anyone who goes on this show in the future. “I really can’t wait for our future together of yachting and private planes in 5 star hotels…” Maybe you will get the date you want.

As they walk around the market they see painted little chickies – and Sean’s like “you ain’t supposed to be pink!!!” – Sean, been saying this about you for WEEKS!
Lindsay has mentioned that she will do ANYTHING, but not eat bugs!! I wish she had been taking mental notes on this shizz as the weeks were going by. Sean aka Fear Factor Bachelor with a sick sadistic mind is like – WHAT A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE HER EAT LARVAE! I’M THE BEST!

Lindsay’s like oh helllll nah…but then she’s like, I wanna win this shit and this is an amazing opportunity to make Sean realize that he can control the eff outta me and I will do anything he says. I actually think Sean’s playing a game, lik…how far will these chicks go? Next up, sex change. “At first I was really opposed to a sex change, but then seeing Sean do it first, it really gave me the strength and courage to power through. I can do anything with Sean’s support!”

Speaking of sex changes, this picture should be appropriate placed here. Sean pretending to “hold a microphone” slash he has really good form. Like, scary good form.

Back to the bugs. In the good ole words of Meatloaf, “I will do anything for love, but I won’t do that.” Lindsay eats the skewers of unknown, and seriously, it’s at this point I’d ditch the market and be like bitch get me some pad see ew. This date is just going south.

We watch them learn how to say thank you in Thai which consisted of “ka?” “kaaa” “kaa!” and then we have a change of scenery to a place called Monkey Beach, and all of America prays that one goes rabid and the date comes to a premature close.

They feed the monkeys who are legit SOOO effing cute, and I actually get jealous. Like when there are actual monkeys involved, jealousy is OK. Legit turned into Veruca Salt mode at this point. They share a make out sesh in a gorgeous setting, and Lindsay is really nervous because she wants to tell Sean she loves him.

Another scene switch happens and Sean and Lindsay arrive at some boat show slash light show, which was like my Lite Brite on steroids. My 7-year-old self would totes bet you that I could recreate that on my toy. But my 7-year-old self wouldn’t have immediately wanted molly when watching this scene. Hey umm pass the pacifier, lollipops, and neon slutty clothes please. I’m reeeeadaaay to parrrrrrtaaaaay (Insert Kristen Wiig voice here).

Lindsay is, again, ready to tell Sean she loves him when some bizarro parade/dance team enters and interrupts her mojo. I am not sure who hired entertainment, but I am pretty sure it was Chinese and not Thai. Either way, I have no idea where the eff Sean and Lindsay are at this point and I feel like I am in watching some shitty movie where everything goes wrong and by the end of the 2 hours you have 6 new stress break outs and no nails left. Remember that movie “Just Married” – well, that’s precisely what this is to me. (RIP Britt Murph. Sidenote: still confused what happened there – LIKE was the case closed? What about that weirdo boyfriend that also died like a week apart? JW).

Lindsay ends up accepting the fantasy suite, Sean asks her about getting a house…she says she has everything “open” (but does she!?) and then tells Sean she loves him…to which he replies with “I love hearing you say that.” BAHAHA – its so funny how any girl in every relationship in this entire galaxy would want to drop dead (the bad dead) after hearing that response, but in Bachelor world….elation!!!!!

Now…EVERYONE swallow your pill concoctions…it’s time for AshLee’s date.

We hear, again, about her issues as a child, and she overuses the word abandonment. Like 84392484032402 effing times. ABANDONMENT. Like, the joke happened weeks ago, so I can’t really reuse it…bottom line…it was said A LOT, and every time she says it….you can see Sean wanting to get out of there an hour sooner than before…

We hear a ton of love analogies and then Sean’s like surrrrrprise, we are totes diving into this black cave. AshLee bitches that she doesn’t “do” caves…she also doesn’t “do” adventure, activity, fun, and Sean in the fantasy suite. Things she DOES do, closets, structure, organization and did I say structure?

Being in the cave with Sean makes her feel whole…while at home we are all feeling empty…very empty inside. Is this over yet? Cut to lots of “I. love. this. man” “I. will. marry. this. man.” “I. will. spend. the. rest. of. my. life. with. this. man.” – and all I can think about is how happy Sean is now that he didn’t choose her. I’m offish scaredy pants.

AshLee says that she is glad she waited, and its supes awkward sauce regarding that first marriage she’s ignoring that we heard about ad nauseum for the past 3 weeks. Next up she describes the ring she wants, her ring finger size…annnnd… it’s pretty clear Sean is shitting himself. “I. am. going. to. murder. this. man.”

—-Anxiety attack—-

Hellooooooooooooo Catherine! Her energy with Sean is seriously so effing refreshing after the last 20 minutes. And luckily, Sean notices this too. I love Catherine, buuuuuuuuuuuut I wasn’t THRILLED with how that white bathing suit top looked with the cover up. Kind of apron like, but in all seriousness, if that’s the worst I can say, you’re in good shape homegirl.

THEY’RE ON A BOAT, and they have a convo about silly vs. serious yada yada yada. Sean’s all “I like your weirdness!” and I thought he said weenus, and I giggled like an effing idiot. They have some serious talks about her moving to Dallas, and then they have kissy time on the boat where Sean lizard tongued the shit out of Catherine and I screamed like I was watching “The Ring” and prayed for it to end.

Also – Girls who can do back flips off boats into the ocean? Plus 943042849384 I’m totes cool and low maintenance points. I need to learn how do that stat. It’s not going to happen. I’ll stick to practicing twitter.

Lightning strikes the water, and I am convinced everyone is going to die. Clearly they don’t care and start making out. Holy eff. Am I turning into AshLee?!

Catherine takes the fantasy suite and they have a discussion about where the relationship will be in 5 years.

I’m no Zoltar Machine, but I am not feeling too confident in Catherine’s answer of kids and family. Hoping *if she wins* they can prove my “Where they will be in 5 years” theory wrong:

1) A people magazine cover saying “Why I Cheated”
2) A people magazine cover saying “I’M GAY!” with Sean on the cover sporting a shit eating grin a la Lance Bass.

Catherine tells a story about how she gets made fun of for being fat, and like all the real fat girls in America immediately go on juice cleanses. OY!

It was pretty humbling to see how she thought a guy like Sean couldn’t possibly like a girl like her. I swear I just put too much sirracha on my dinner, and those are NOT tears.

Commercial break tangent: WHAT THE HELL is this Oz the Great and Powerful plug? Def trippin. Still on da molly.

Sean knows who he’s going to send home…and he keeps saying that it “KILLS HIM TO THINK ABOUT IT” – so we know it’s AshLee.

We watch the girls’ video messages, which seriously serve NO purpose. Here is the summary:

Lindsay – wedding dress, crazy, you met my family! I love you, full circle to wedding dress.

AshLee – a death threat

Catherine – you give me the “wiggles” – which is either a cuter way of saying “lady tingles” or a random reference to those 4 color-coded pedophiles that are on shrooms and sing songs about mashed potatoes – magically silencing all kids across the country.

Sean ends up sending AshLee home and she honestly wins me back over when she tells Sean to “JUST STAY THERE.” I only know he hasn’t since been murdered because I see him tweet.

A few notes:

1) What the HELL is going on with the fantasy suites? The past 2 seasons (Sean’s & Emily’s) have been so uneventful. Chlorophyll? More like BORophyll. SER. If I am accepting a proposal from someone you most certainly can bed I am making sure they are good in bed first.

2) Did ANY of the girls’ speeches about why they are accepting the fantasy suite make any sense? Because I thought they were speaking in tongue. Negative sense.

3) Let’s rename the fantasy suite, the time suite, shall we?

4) Lastly…its SO effing creepy that the fantasy suite note comes from CH. Did anyone consider a “from Sean” scenario?

We are now down to 2 girls, and the material is dwindling. Lots of mush and engagement talk. Sticking with my guns on Catherine. I can tell by the way Sean is with her. Linds is adorbs too though!

Til next week for some WTA batshit cray cray!!!!! YES PLEASE. Missin ze sparkle.

PS thanks Catherine for proving that Asians are good at math. I was stumped after 11×11. I miss the mad minute.



The Bachelor Episode 8 Recap: Sean and His Amazing Technicolor Skin Tones

Published February 21, 2013 by jaclynswartz
I used to take group showers in this shower.

I used to take group showers in this shower.

Before we delve into the hometown dates of Season 17, I highly recommend rewatching the episode and taking note of all the different facial skin tones of the one and only, Sean Lowe. It went from pale, to freckles, back to pale, to red, to orange, to bronzed to powdered. I watch this shit in HD; it’s serious.

AshLee’s Hometown

We start off our hometown dates with AshLee in Texas. Home to many bachelor alums and pageant queens – essentially the same thing.

Nothing says hometown like a tied front flannel, a dog, and a foodless picnic in a random field. We soon learn that AshLee loves to hear herself talk. She states that, “Before I met Sean, I thought I knew what love was.” But, this completely one sided relationship where your love dates 24 other women simultaneously has really opened up her eyes to what she’s always dreamed of. Not only that, but AshLee has been dreaming of this day as far back as she can remember! I’ve tried to dissect this sentence and I am still a little confused. Was it when she started grooming herself to be on the Bachelor 15 years ago? Was it 2 months ago when they started filming? Was it last week when she realized she was making it to hometowns? Either way, this scenario is not typically something you dream of. I am starting to worry that AshLee came on to this show with Sean’s name already tattooed on her ass and a diary full of doodle hearts and “AshLee Lowe” scribbled on repeat.

A couple of side notes:
1) When AshLee narrates, I feel like she is talking to all of America like we don’t understand English. Kind of like how I talk to my cleaning lady or my waiter at China Fun.
2) AshLee LOVES Sean. She’s screamed it on the beach, she’s shown it in the sand, and she has said it 900,000 effing times since.
3) It’s pretty obvious that AshLee thinks that the more she says, “I love you” the more she will guilt Sean into keeping her around for the win.
4) No normal guy with a penis between his legs and a brain the size of a pea would magnetize towards a girl who says she “is. IN. love. with. this. man.” I hope she stops this soon.

We move on to AshLee’s parents house…but wait, Sean and AshLee are greeted outside of the house and then proceed to walk AROUND the house for a backyard lunch. In addition, the table is definitely not outdoor furniture and rather a very indoooooorsy set of table and chairs, and all conversations were had on the outdoor porch. There are seriously only two possible scenarios here: AshLee’s family is a bunch of hoarders, hence the reason why her bottom third reads “Professional Organizer,” or, this is a stranger’s house whose residents went to work for the day (they’ll never know). This was all a little strange to me, but AshLee’s Dad’s hair made up for it. He rocked some sick spikes.

The conversation continues and AshLee relays some details about her dates to her parents. And by some, I mean like 49,032,843,920 minutes worth. She starts crying over her realization for commitment to Sean while she was drowning in a lake in Canada during a P o l a r B e a r P l u n g e (slow talker). Um, am I taking crazy pills?! I mean the line becomes so blurred when I watch this show, that I can’t tell if I am crazy for not crying over a Polar Bear Plunge or if AshLee is crazy for crying over something so insignificant and turning it into a life lesson. Then she tells her parents about the dry humping she did on the beach, and I knew I should have given myself the benefit of the doubt. A serious “where do I look” sitch.

The convo continues to flow and I seriously can’t get past these heavy wooden chairs and table sitting in the middle of this stranger’s backyard. Are they making holes in their grass? ARE THEY GONNA COME HOME FROM WORK?

Anyway, AshLee’s dad is outdoorsy and comes from a family of reverends, masters, pastors, and popes. Sean gets a boner, and then we hear again about AshLee’s family story, and Sean goes flaccid. Ugh, sorry, too easy.

AshLee goes into how she wants to marry Sean. I mean like NOW. As SOON as she can. Then she runs off to go manage her 72 fake Facebook accounts that she has been using to stalk some exes.

Catherine’s Hometown

We arrive in Seattle which is known for its coffee so I am not sure what we are doing watching Sean play football with a fish, duh. I would have rather watched them get cappuccinos with hearts in the foam. Sean likes being with Catherine because he doesn’t have to try to be the “cool guy.” I beg to differ, please try harder.

Catherine’s cute personality makes watching this less painful – and she lets Sean know that he better monong her graham cracker so her family loves him more. Wait…nope, I said that correctly. KINKAAAY.

We arrive at Catherine’s Mom’s house and I haven’t seen this much tapestry, wallpaper, and mustard yellow walls since I watched Boogie Nights.
Sean makes his way around the house with each of Catherine’s family members. He went to the dining room and got a “Welcome to the dining room!” greeting, and then he went to the kitchen where he got a “Welcome to the kitchen!!” greeting. Although, in the kitchen scene he put on a woman’s apron and looked like Strawberry (blonde) Shortcake. Seany so silly!

Catherine’s sisters get on her a little bit while having a private conversation upstairs. One is mad at the other for stealing her breast milk in order to cure her psoriasis. Bitch, could have just asked!

Wrong show.

The sister’s aren’t thrilled about the fact that Catherine has made it this far, and for someone who left 2 months ago thinking this would all be fun and games is now serious about an engagement to a man that is pretty much a stranger to them. Here, here! These chicks are on point. While they were dishing some tough love; that is what sisters do (just ask mine…more so brutal love). They raise valid points, and while Catherine is a little upset by them coming at her, it brings her back down from fairytale Bachelor land to real life where she is a gross mess and has mood swings (I would have killed my sister for that, because that is precisely my description as well).

Anyone notice that the dresser was a complete disaster? This made me laugh because when we filmed my hometown package for Bachelor Pad, my dresser was like collapsed and in shambles with clothes everywhere. Whatever, its REALITY TV, am I right am I right?

Lindsay’s Hometown

Lindsay is an army brat (drink) who is so excited to bring Sean home. Sean is excited because like the other 3 girls left he is “CRAZY” about Lindsay. You know what else Sean loves? WALKING! It really makes him feel like they are a couple. I could have KILLED it on this season. I am a really good walker.

Sean and Lindsay go eat some cupcakes and I can’t help but notice that her hair looks darker. Someone made good use of her time during her hometown layover – plus 10. They have a conversation that lasts way too long about what Sean should call Lindsay’s Dad. At this point I was yelling at the TV, JUST EFFING MAKE ONE UP. JEEEEEEEEESUS. Mister, Mark, General, Sir, Babyface, Ghost Face Killah, Sugar Tits? Like litttttterally…just pick one.

Before we get to the house, Lindsay instructs Sean the needs to get ARMY ready…Come on! Bring your green hat!

Sean prances around the field and Lindsay was doin’ her thang like she unfortunately won’t be doing in the fantasy suite. She has this unassuming confidence that I love. Pretty sure she’s a walking advertisement for Prozac but like, doesn’t need or take it…ja know what I mean? At first I felt awks watching her little army routine, but she really won me over with the sit ups for a kiss and then yelling “KISS ME HARDER” – which in this context makes no sense, but has confirmed that she is definitely a dirty talker. You go Glenn Coco.

After some more references to army brat and wedding dress, Sean speaks with Lindsay’s dad and awkwardly asks for permission to propose. Correct answer? NO. They have a nice convo, and Lindsay’s dad gifts Sean some dog tags. Like the real kind. Not the Gucci ones that Jewish boys in Long Island wear.

Lindsay’s hometown went really well and there is no way she’s not getting a rose this episode.

Des’ Hometown

Des and Sean start things off with a hike, and Sean is really excited to see Des in her element especially because he’s really…outdoorsy. I have no idea what the eff Runyon Canyon is but I know that people go on a lot of hikes there to show off their new Lulu Lemon and post pics on social media in order to look like they work out real hard.

This got me thinking about what the hell I would do on my hometown date to show me in my element. The first thing that came to mind was ordering in mac and cheese and eating it in bed. This is how I DO.

Des brings Sean to her apt and some scrawny turd shows up pretending to be her ex-bf. Forget the lame joke. I wouldn’t be able to get past the fact that the morons who hired this dude thought that he was believable as Des’ ex bf. Give the girl some credit, she’s hot, and this dude is typecast for a hobbit minus the CGI size change. IE NO. Just no. Then the full frame of him standing next to Sean was just painful. Let’s be honest.

We can thank the lifetime wedgie victim for at least bringing out Sean’s angry, badass side. That got me a little hot and bothered. Not gonna lie.

Next comes Des’ family dinner, and I am just gonna cut to the chase. Her brother is fucking awful. Nate, please don’t murder me for saying that. Because seriously, I think I just risked my life.

A couple weeks ago on “Shameless,” Frank (Bill Macey, yaa nickname basis) drugs the baby to shut it up. I probz would have been reduced to doing this if I had a brother like Nate, who not only sounded very unedumacted, but was also 30 seconds away from driving down to Sunset and getting a tear drop face tat. I could also see him pulling a “Fear” and tatooing some effed up shit on his chest with a bic pen. Needless to say, I am now scared for my life but I hope you are all entertained. Keep laughing anonymously, as*holes!

Nate believes that there is no reciprocation, reciprocation, reciprocation with Sean and Des. He’s known Sean for 5 minutes and also is really intuitive so I agree. Especially when he tells Sean’s born again virgin jewels that he is a playboy. Sean’s upset because he is not a fraud. The conversation between the two of them finally ends and Nate goes to check on the meth lab he’s hiding in the basement. (I knew he looked familiar).

PS – Nate, here is your virtual gold star sticker for using reciprocation in a sentence.

Moving along, Des remains pretty composed while her brother continues to piss her off. AMEN SISTAH. I wish I had that self-control. Nate continues to blab at the table, not listen to anyone, and talk nonsense. I was a little surprised to see how little the parents intervened. But with Tierra gone, this was the highlight of the ep for me. (I bet you all missed her this ep, didn’t ya!?)

Rose Ceremony

We are back at the mansion for the Rose Ceremony. Sean prayed for clarity but didn’t get it. RUH ROH. Catherine chose the correct rose ceremony to show off dem twins, and did it in a tasteful way. I loved her dress. I also thought Des looked effortlessly hot in her sequined dress. Thumbs up ladies. Des tries to get one final word in, apologizing for her bro’s attitude, but unfortunately it wasn’t enough, and she gets sent home.

I LOVED Des, and I thought she was adorbs. Her exit was sad and I most definitely teared up which is like, extremely embarrassing, but I also cry during Mob Wives and Vanderpump Rules, so this doesn’t say much.

We are getting pretty ser now, and an engagement is around the corner.

Catherine for the win with Lindsay in a CLOSE second. AshLee may be just a leetle too much for Sean right now — lots of mushy gushy teary stuff.

PS — I must give a shout out to blog readah Rachel. She called it in my Episode 2 comments section RE: Des getting back at Sean with the ex boyf hoax. I wish I could give you a prize but this is going to have to do. Suck it up.

Til next week!

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