The Bachelor Season 19

All posts in the The Bachelor Season 19 category

Breaking News: Bachelor’s presence cures the fake anxiety worldwide epidemic. Bach Recap Ep 6.

Published February 11, 2015 by jaclynswartz

We open up in Santa Fe, New Mexico, home of kes ah dillas and sombreros.

Chris is still bad at speeches, and Kelsey is still on the floor, where she has remained the last week. The cameras hone in on her heinous booties and decide to torture us more – not to mention her awkward positioning on the floor?! If you are going to fake collapse at least lie gracefully on the floor.

Me and Chris after I fake passed out from fake anxiety.

Me and Chris after I fake pass out from fake anxiety.

Everyone’s minds are boggled, because KELSEY IS SO FAKE, and they don’t understand that fake is the equivalent to not ever wanting to live in Iowa in the first place. So Chris eliminates them all…

Just kidding, he eliminates Samantha who never said one word, but I am totally relieved that i can finally stop being jealous of her dark long locks and bright blue eyes. BUT IM FUNNY!

Mackenzie thinks she will NEVER EVER get over the heartache of being eliminated but we all know that’s not true because you are 21 years old, don’t know left from right, and I am not even sure you know you are on The Bachelor….or that you named your son after spinach?

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What also confuses me on a consistent basis is how Kelsey is still around despite her uncool creepshow mom hair dos that are a hybrid of the following:

Debbie_Downer

Holler!

Holler!

Unless you are Mandy Moore on the set of “Candy” singing ooooooh ahhh ya ya ya ya ya over and over again, then you have no business wearing these, ever. Like even if I were to go in to a time machine closet to win over Mark Ruffalo in 13 going on 30, I would not be caught dead wearing butterfly clips.

Kelsey gets the rose and the girls are pissed she used her Widow Card to gain a sympathy rose. I meannnnnnn….I really don’t like Kelsey but let’s call a spade a spade here. I think the girls like Jueeueuelia, right? She did the exact same thing by using her Tragedy Card as her Who Wants To Be A Millionaire lifeline. (It’s impossible not to say that title in the Slumdog accent)

To be honest, I would totally use this strategy if i thought i was about to be eliminated. I mean if you think you are going to go home, chances are…YOU ARE! So naturally, I thought long and hard about what my story would be. I think when I was on it was that my parents were divorced, which like 99.9% of the population is anyway. I mean, what a loser I was! Literally got me negative sympathy.

I need a redo.

So this is my REAL story: When I was growing up, life was so hard. All of my friends’ parents bought them the entire Kate Spade handbag collection. I had to babysit EVERY.SINGLE.SATURDAY to save up to buy myself the rectangular single strap Kate Spade. DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT WAS? That was the cheapest bag in the collection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn’t my story….AMAZING? I am so eloquent.

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Anyway, we all travel with the circus to South Dakota. Chris says there is so much history here! The only history in South Dakota is it was the sh*ttiest leg of my Teen Tour (CRAP. This is not in line with my Tragedy Card please don’t tell Chris, please don’t tell him). I remember Mt. Rushmore being a letdown because even my beanies are too big for their rock carved heads. ‘MURICA!

ABC forces us to watch Chris do a Wild West Amusement Park type photo shoot and I think THE NERVE! But then I realize that I do this 365 days a year by forcing people to look at my selfies.

One on One with Becca:

They still haven’t kissed.

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Becca and Chris go horseback riding in SD, and Becca has never ridden a man I mean horse before. Chris thinks she looks like a pro, and like she has been doing it forever….which is clearly a premeditated foreshadow.

Sidenote: The only time I ride horses is to get out of 6 hour hikes that my friends are forcing me to participate in. Hey blame my friends for the animal labor, not me.

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Back at the house MY 3 FAVORITE GIRLS LEFT, Carly, Kaitlyn and Whitney confront the demonic plague, Kelsey, for being a flagrant liar. You can tell Whit is a little nervous, because Kelsey probably has a dull butter knife in her pocket to use as a murder weapon.

Kelsey claims she is “blessed with eloquence” which is funny as sh*t because everyone in the world knows that eloquence is obviously a LEARNED skill. But don’t worry folks, Kelsey know’s her ABC’s so she is self-proclaimed smart.

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Aside from Antoine Dodson speaking the truth, he is also a hair dresser. Hit him up, Kelsey.

Becca and Chris One on One night portion:

Chris laughs for like 98% of the date, which makes me laugh hysterically. His laugh is seriously such a crowd pleaser. I love it.

Chris says that his expectations were blown out of the water which is pretty confusing considering there wasn’t much of a conversation that happened on this date.

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The take away from this date: Becca gets a rose and I want to date Becca’s dentist.

GROUP DATE:

Jade, Britt, Whitney, Carly, Kaitlyn, and Megan have to live a nightmare and sing Country with Big and Rich. I had no idea who they were until I realized they sang “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy…” And lord knows, if you were in a Sorority, YOU KNOW THAT SONG – since it’s slogan was printed on 65 of your slut themed dress up party tee shirts.

Things we learned on this date:

Jade without make up looks like this:

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Me without makeup looks like this:

I woke up like this.

I woke up like this. Flawless.

Britt claims she cannot sing. But she is an actress acting like someone who cannot sing.

Whitney’s accent gets thicker when she sings, which defies my entire personal scientific experiment that proves accents disappear when people sing. Also, I made Whitney sing me her full song this week and it was actually really cute, I was impressed!! (with her lyrics that is…not her performance).

Kaitlyn can rap, like for real, and also says beaver a lot. I need to use that word more in my daily life. Beaver, so hot right now. (hehe).

Megan taps the mic like she’s Mariah Carey and it’s weird because….why?

Jade’s anxiety is endearing and kudos to her for not forgetting all words and then doing weird stuff on stage and omg….hot flashes over here…FML.

I am sorry for ruining Sister Christian for you forever.

Britt gets to go to a private concert with Chris and I’d be like omg – Parents are gone, Babysitter’s dead, let’s get wild and be our true selves!!!!!!!!!!! No?

The girls get pissed AF, and Britt get’s the rose so she can continue acting her way through to Episode 7.

Britt’s halloween costume:

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Chris, Ashley and Kelsey: 2 Crazies. 1 Bachelor

Kelsey said she knows EXACTLY where the Badlands are and EXACTLY what they are because she has buried like 48392048 bodies and all of her evidence there.

Ashley get’s her time first and she’s wearing her cheesiest dangley belly button ring, corn rows and blonde bobby pins. Their kissing continues to be painfully awkward but Ashley’s is CONFIDENT she’s getting the rose. Then Ashley, the girl who wouldn’t make it 32 seconds in Iowa, tells Chris that Kelsey is fake.

Kelsey is fake upset and then goes back to the bed that is set up in the middle of desert for the ULTIMATE AWKWARD STARE DOWN. I honestly would be sh*tting my pants if a girl with a closet full of cardigans was staring me down.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

Kelsey, with a GI Jane blazer and anal beads around her neck, continues to talk crap about Ashley’s inability to talk in big words. Not gonna lie, her dress up comment had me on the floor.

Ashley starts crying and runs back to Chris. She tries to explain herself as he rejects her and Chris is like….

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Ashley continues to cry, but we all know she was happy to go home because she clearly ran out of fresh eyelashes. Those things were more f*cked up than James Franco was when he consented to sex with Lindsay Lohan.

Chris then ALSO eliminates sociopath sally, and according to Chris, a date has never been so fun!

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All the craziness has removed the need for a rose ceremony this episode with Kelsey and Ashley both going home. Chris does us all a favor and leaves them to die in the desert.

RIP Kelsey. Or should I say RIP Jaclyn just in case Kelsey reads this blog?

Let me know what you all think, I cannot wait to hear your comments from this ep.

XX
Jac

Marry, Shuck, Kill: An E! True Hollywood Story (Bachelor 19 Ep 1)

Published January 8, 2015 by jaclynswartz
This is an awkward photo, but, undeniably hot.

This is an awkward photo, but, undeniably hot.

So it’s been a year, and literally nothing in my life has changed. Other than the fact that I’m probably bitchier and use the excuse that I am now a “Midwesterner” to cover that up. Chicago has been fun…the food is sub par, and the girls are uglier than New York…so all in all, a win.

Now on to #THEBACHELOR! Where the wine is a flowin and the bitches be blowin….their one liners, that is.

RECAP EPISODE 1: Naked and Afraid

Do you watch Naked and Afraid? Well you should, because it’s literally the most perplexing show in the entire universe. I mean at least on Double Dare you got a shitty vacation with your family for making a fool of yourself. Well, on Naked and Afraid you literally get NO PRIZE for being naked, with a partner, in some effed up location struggling to survive for 21 days….the prize? BUG BITES IN YOUR VAG, HOSPITALIZATIONS, SKIN BOILS AND SOME MEANINGLESS RATING WHICH NOT EVEN YOUR GRANDMA WILL APPRECIATE…

That is how I envision the grand prize of living in Iowa. With the way Chris describes it…I am not too keen on the idea of relocation. He’s 33 and hasn’t met 25 women. Premature fireworks in the fantasy suites this season. Amirightamiright?! We haven’t seen that since………………wait for it…………………Ed.

We open the red carpet event (that I missed because I was on a plane) with the golden children, Catherine and Sean. CAN WE TALK ABOUT CATHERINE’S CAPE?! To die for. I just wanted to rip it off her neck and then slap her for beating me to it. They talked nonsense for a few minutes while some freakaleaks held up hand made signs and all I could think about was: WHEN DID SEAN BECOME A GINGER?! Remember this little shayna punam?

Natural Blonde, effing duh!

Natural Blonde, effing duh!

Moving on…

Chris does a great job of introducing us to farming, which consists of fishing in a sewer with Dad, dinner with the rents (7 corn centerpiece!!!!!!), and regressing socially. He says “farming is like planting a seed…plant it, and watch it grow…” and just like that, we excuse the kindergarten teacher from the set and hope the analogies improve.

The puppy who lost his way found himself on The Bachelor.

The puppy who lost his way found himself on The Bachelor. Happily Ever After.

Chris leans and ponders over his motorcycle (NOT A BALCONY OMG I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING MERCURY MUST BE IN RETROGRADE! DONT EAT TOO MUCH TUNA THOUGH, LOTS OF MERCURY THERE. UNLESS YOU’RE AT NOBU) and then rides off into the sunset/7-11 for a slurpie.

We learn more about Arlington, Iowa, and I don’t know about you, but a population of 400 people has me freaking the EFF out. One slip up and you’re Demi Moore in the Scarlett Letter. Whores on Whores on Corn.

Pan over to the awkward red carpet, and I see a disco ball putting on lip gloss/it’s Erica Rose. From Bachelor, to 2 seasons of Bachelor Pad, to whatever show she made up on VH1 and Bravo, girl cannot get away from the camera….and I never want her to leave.

Next we hear from Lacey and yawn….Marcus. I am so glad Lacey dyed her hair darker — BUT OH WAIT? Are those 4 courtesy trashy highlights? I want to punch her hairstylist for playing a mean, mean joke on her client. Brown hair, blonde highlights hasn’t been a good look since Laguna Beach.

We finally make it to hometown packages, here we go!

Britt – a waitress from LA who looks famished….I am sure she is TOTALLY there for the right reasons. Just like I am at McDonalds for a salad. She will later win the first impression rose for reasons unknown, other than distributing free hugs to people who don’t want them.

Jillian – Talked about how she could bench press Chris in the weightroom, and pointed to her muscles for 2 hours.

Amanda – she plays a secret admirer with crazy eyes. Looks like that annoying chick from Princesses of Long Island who was convinced her fiance was straight while the rest of us laughed along. And this:

I'll probs kill you while you're sleeping. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I’ll probs kill you while you’re sleeping. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Whitney – GO WHITNEY GO!!! Did anyone notice the fact that she wore yellow shoes and a black dress for Iowa colors?! Not a mistake. Absolutely smitten over Chris and totally there for the right reasons…why do I know this? She has no idea how the f*ck to work twitter. Hog jokes, baby jokes…whatever, her laugh is contagious…and well, that might have been a snort.

Kelsey – Widow bomb way too soon. Take 5.

Mackenzie – Sporting a perm, and on acid sitting on a rock. Higher than the dude at Coachella who couldn’t get his flip flop on. Has a kid, which means she will be eliminated soon, but not on the first ep, because, you know, rules! Kid’s name is Kale. If Chris is cool with naming her second child GlutenFree Soules, then have at it, buster.

Alyssa – Flight Attendant, but I prefer Stewardess because PC is so lame. If I were Chris I’d pull a Final Destination, get off that plane, and make out with Devon Sawa or Jack from Dawson’s. Upgrade!

Trina – Her hair looked like Dolly Parton on a crack bender.

Ashley I – No chick from Jersey is a virgin. See: Snooki. Up there for best dressed. Smokeshow.

Regan – Carries guts in her cooler instead of beers. Sionara, losery murderer!

Tara – Comes in in a FLANNEL AND JEAN SHORTS. The girls react and honestly, I am floored at how subtle their reaction is. I probably would have turned to stone at first glance of her. MEDUSA!!!! WHO DOESNT WEAR A DRESS!!!!! Later she gets shammered and beats out tons of ‘with-it’ girls for a rose. I love you Chris.

Check me out betches! No dress.

Check me out betches! No dress. I’m drunk. Bai.

Amber – Wore the same dress as my friend Jennifer on my season. Get a hike.

Nikki – Flew in from Peru. Like I just flew in from Peru. I got this rock in Peru. I am sooooo privileged!

NIKKI KNOWS THE OOOOOOWNER

NIKKI KNOWS THE OOOOOOWNER

Oh and hey Nikki:

GO PATS!

GO PATS!

Ashley S – Tried to teach us about layers of an onion but the only thing that is making my eyes tear is that a greatpair of loubs is being wasted on a nut job.

Carly – (Disney Cruise Lines) She came out singing with an easy bake oven and a cupcake dress. It’s pretty clear that the limo was supposed to take her to her debut on “My Super Sweet Sixteen,” where she was supposed to make out with her pimply boyfriend, Chaz, and get a souped up Mercedes in order to make friends.

WHERE THE EFF IS MY CAR MAHHHHHHHHHM

WHERE THE EFF IS MY CAR MAHHHHHHHHHM

Brittany – I wouldn’t be surprised if this chick starred in Sharknado 3 because she smells of Tara Reid desperation. I mean I LOVE for love and lemons dresses, but this outfit was a cry for help. I hope someone hires her a good therapist. Tell John Cena I say hi.

Kara – Wore a Nancy Kerrigan outfit. I will play Tonya Harding. Someone pass me a crow bar.

Jade – HOTTIE. Sexy dress and wore the sh*t out of it.

Kaitlyn – I AM SO THANKFUL SHE’S IN THIS HOUSE. Jokes cheesier than melted mozz, and I want more.

Tracy – A teacher who writes a pretend letter from her students in order to admit to Chris that she’s a psycho with 9 cats.

Hard petter.

I’m a hard petter.

A bunch of these girls went home, and some stuck. Surface level stuff here people….that’s why these are the BEST episodes.

I am not sure who is in Chris’ top 5 right now, so I am going to wait to give my opinion…but until then, please stop saying Prince Farming. Stop trying to make Fetch happen.

Let me know YOUR thoughts on this season below!

XO

Jac

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