TV Ramblings

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Breaking News: Bachelor’s presence cures the fake anxiety worldwide epidemic. Bach Recap Ep 6.

Published February 11, 2015 by jaclynswartz

We open up in Santa Fe, New Mexico, home of kes ah dillas and sombreros.

Chris is still bad at speeches, and Kelsey is still on the floor, where she has remained the last week. The cameras hone in on her heinous booties and decide to torture us more – not to mention her awkward positioning on the floor?! If you are going to fake collapse at least lie gracefully on the floor.

Me and Chris after I fake passed out from fake anxiety.

Me and Chris after I fake pass out from fake anxiety.

Everyone’s minds are boggled, because KELSEY IS SO FAKE, and they don’t understand that fake is the equivalent to not ever wanting to live in Iowa in the first place. So Chris eliminates them all…

Just kidding, he eliminates Samantha who never said one word, but I am totally relieved that i can finally stop being jealous of her dark long locks and bright blue eyes. BUT IM FUNNY!

Mackenzie thinks she will NEVER EVER get over the heartache of being eliminated but we all know that’s not true because you are 21 years old, don’t know left from right, and I am not even sure you know you are on The Bachelor….or that you named your son after spinach?


What also confuses me on a consistent basis is how Kelsey is still around despite her uncool creepshow mom hair dos that are a hybrid of the following:




Unless you are Mandy Moore on the set of “Candy” singing ooooooh ahhh ya ya ya ya ya over and over again, then you have no business wearing these, ever. Like even if I were to go in to a time machine closet to win over Mark Ruffalo in 13 going on 30, I would not be caught dead wearing butterfly clips.

Kelsey gets the rose and the girls are pissed she used her Widow Card to gain a sympathy rose. I meannnnnnn….I really don’t like Kelsey but let’s call a spade a spade here. I think the girls like Jueeueuelia, right? She did the exact same thing by using her Tragedy Card as her Who Wants To Be A Millionaire lifeline. (It’s impossible not to say that title in the Slumdog accent)

To be honest, I would totally use this strategy if i thought i was about to be eliminated. I mean if you think you are going to go home, chances are…YOU ARE! So naturally, I thought long and hard about what my story would be. I think when I was on it was that my parents were divorced, which like 99.9% of the population is anyway. I mean, what a loser I was! Literally got me negative sympathy.

I need a redo.

So this is my REAL story: When I was growing up, life was so hard. All of my friends’ parents bought them the entire Kate Spade handbag collection. I had to babysit EVERY.SINGLE.SATURDAY to save up to buy myself the rectangular single strap Kate Spade. DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT WAS? That was the cheapest bag in the collection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn’t my story….AMAZING? I am so eloquent.

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Anyway, we all travel with the circus to South Dakota. Chris says there is so much history here! The only history in South Dakota is it was the sh*ttiest leg of my Teen Tour (CRAP. This is not in line with my Tragedy Card please don’t tell Chris, please don’t tell him). I remember Mt. Rushmore being a letdown because even my beanies are too big for their rock carved heads. ‘MURICA!

ABC forces us to watch Chris do a Wild West Amusement Park type photo shoot and I think THE NERVE! But then I realize that I do this 365 days a year by forcing people to look at my selfies.

One on One with Becca:

They still haven’t kissed.


Becca and Chris go horseback riding in SD, and Becca has never ridden a man I mean horse before. Chris thinks she looks like a pro, and like she has been doing it forever….which is clearly a premeditated foreshadow.

Sidenote: The only time I ride horses is to get out of 6 hour hikes that my friends are forcing me to participate in. Hey blame my friends for the animal labor, not me.


Back at the house MY 3 FAVORITE GIRLS LEFT, Carly, Kaitlyn and Whitney confront the demonic plague, Kelsey, for being a flagrant liar. You can tell Whit is a little nervous, because Kelsey probably has a dull butter knife in her pocket to use as a murder weapon.

Kelsey claims she is “blessed with eloquence” which is funny as sh*t because everyone in the world knows that eloquence is obviously a LEARNED skill. But don’t worry folks, Kelsey know’s her ABC’s so she is self-proclaimed smart.


Aside from Antoine Dodson speaking the truth, he is also a hair dresser. Hit him up, Kelsey.

Becca and Chris One on One night portion:

Chris laughs for like 98% of the date, which makes me laugh hysterically. His laugh is seriously such a crowd pleaser. I love it.

Chris says that his expectations were blown out of the water which is pretty confusing considering there wasn’t much of a conversation that happened on this date.


The take away from this date: Becca gets a rose and I want to date Becca’s dentist.


Jade, Britt, Whitney, Carly, Kaitlyn, and Megan have to live a nightmare and sing Country with Big and Rich. I had no idea who they were until I realized they sang “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy…” And lord knows, if you were in a Sorority, YOU KNOW THAT SONG – since it’s slogan was printed on 65 of your slut themed dress up party tee shirts.

Things we learned on this date:

Jade without make up looks like this:


Me without makeup looks like this:

I woke up like this.

I woke up like this. Flawless.

Britt claims she cannot sing. But she is an actress acting like someone who cannot sing.

Whitney’s accent gets thicker when she sings, which defies my entire personal scientific experiment that proves accents disappear when people sing. Also, I made Whitney sing me her full song this week and it was actually really cute, I was impressed!! (with her lyrics that is…not her performance).

Kaitlyn can rap, like for real, and also says beaver a lot. I need to use that word more in my daily life. Beaver, so hot right now. (hehe).

Megan taps the mic like she’s Mariah Carey and it’s weird because….why?

Jade’s anxiety is endearing and kudos to her for not forgetting all words and then doing weird stuff on stage and omg….hot flashes over here…FML.

I am sorry for ruining Sister Christian for you forever.

Britt gets to go to a private concert with Chris and I’d be like omg – Parents are gone, Babysitter’s dead, let’s get wild and be our true selves!!!!!!!!!!! No?

The girls get pissed AF, and Britt get’s the rose so she can continue acting her way through to Episode 7.

Britt’s halloween costume:


Chris, Ashley and Kelsey: 2 Crazies. 1 Bachelor

Kelsey said she knows EXACTLY where the Badlands are and EXACTLY what they are because she has buried like 48392048 bodies and all of her evidence there.

Ashley get’s her time first and she’s wearing her cheesiest dangley belly button ring, corn rows and blonde bobby pins. Their kissing continues to be painfully awkward but Ashley’s is CONFIDENT she’s getting the rose. Then Ashley, the girl who wouldn’t make it 32 seconds in Iowa, tells Chris that Kelsey is fake.

Kelsey is fake upset and then goes back to the bed that is set up in the middle of desert for the ULTIMATE AWKWARD STARE DOWN. I honestly would be sh*tting my pants if a girl with a closet full of cardigans was staring me down.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

Kelsey, with a GI Jane blazer and anal beads around her neck, continues to talk crap about Ashley’s inability to talk in big words. Not gonna lie, her dress up comment had me on the floor.

Ashley starts crying and runs back to Chris. She tries to explain herself as he rejects her and Chris is like….


Ashley continues to cry, but we all know she was happy to go home because she clearly ran out of fresh eyelashes. Those things were more f*cked up than James Franco was when he consented to sex with Lindsay Lohan.

Chris then ALSO eliminates sociopath sally, and according to Chris, a date has never been so fun!


All the craziness has removed the need for a rose ceremony this episode with Kelsey and Ashley both going home. Chris does us all a favor and leaves them to die in the desert.

RIP Kelsey. Or should I say RIP Jaclyn just in case Kelsey reads this blog?

Let me know what you all think, I cannot wait to hear your comments from this ep.


My Reality Show Obsession: Stassi Gives Hope to Ugly Girls Across America

Published March 26, 2013 by jaclynswartz

First off, MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES for not blogging for a couple of weeks. I feel like I need to get me some security, because as my sister just said (who clearly stalks me on twitter), “I feel like there is a lynch mob after you and you people are going to start showing up at your office.”

The truth is, I have been living. SO SUE ME. Blogging is tough. It’s hard out there for a pimp.

I have a lot of ideas that I have been jotting down on virtual paper/filing in my oversized genius brain for you all to enjoy. It’s just a matter of time. Things I love to do: Giving the impression that I am soooo busy as opposed to just lazy.

Random side note, I went with a low slicked back bun today, and I feel like a ballerina lesbo hybrid. Obvs we know that the said hybrid does not exist, but for illustrative purposes, it sure does today.

So anyway, remember my obsession I said I have with Stassi from Vanderpump Rules? Well it is still in full force and I definitely want to be her best friend. I love that she’s psycho and pretty and her job is a joke (as is her pseudo boyfriend Jason Jax something…anyway, who even cares what his real name is, he lies about it anyway).

Rewind for ONE second. Did I say pretty? Yep. I did. And now all ugly girls can thank Stassi for giving them hope that they one day can achieve prettiness and “class.” I give you, 17 year old Stassi, who was on the Amazing Race with her fam. Just killin it, one reality show at a time (I dig her style).

The shoes. The hair. OMG.

The shoes. The hair. OMG.


One day I will kiss a frog and turn into the biggest bitch on the planet and work really hard at Sur.

One day I will kiss a frog and turn into the biggest bitch on the planet and work really hard at Sur.


This girl ain't earnin no tips. Dats a fact.

This girl ain’t earnin no tips. Dats a fact.

SO LIKE, I know she said she had A chin implant — not 6 of them, plus whatever else she did to change her looks. Listen, we all went through a serious awkward phase at one point in our lives, I DID (ew) but WHAT A TRANSFORMATION.

This is definitely a “Swan” situation – where the change is so drastic I cannot believe my eyes. BTDubbs, The Swan is coming back and I couldn’t be more excited.

So, this is for all the girls who are 17 and going to college a virgin. One day you will be pretty and bang a hot model named Jax who is a model. Did I mention, Jax is a model! And a pathological liar, and 33 and getting fake fired from restaurants and having sex with meth heads in bathrooms across LA.

You go glenn coco.

And none for Gretchen Weiners.





It is NOT o.k. to make fun of pregnant people, except in this situation.

Published March 5, 2013 by jaclynswartz

One day, I will be pregnant, and it’s going to suck. Bloated, swollen feet, feeling like you have to pee every 5 seconds, not being able to sleep on your stomach (WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?!), no heels, ugly clothes, stretch marks, getting fat……shit I just gave myself a full fledged panic attack. Isn’t it funny when people say pregnancy is “beautiful,” or that pregnant women have a “glow.” LIES. Effing LIES. And I will be that bitch of a pregnant woman who calls you out on your bullshit. SAVE IT FOR THE WORKSHOP CHARLIE.

Take pregnancy, smash it up with Kim Kardashian, and fellas, we’ve got ourselves a winner. Now, her ass is just flat-out disgusting on any given Tuesday. But with a little dickwad Kanye growing inside of her? – I couldn’t deny that I became even more obsessed with her ass and its progression in becoming its very own continent.

No white dude would know what to do with that ass pregnant-less. Now Kanye has 99 problems and that ass is most definitely, absolutely, positively, ONE.

Now, I am not going to get into a fat debate on the interweb, because, let’s face it, I already have enough haters…but needless to say, it’s obviously that pregnant people don’t “choose” to be fat…it just kinda happens. Luckily for Kim, she can go on Jenny Craig after this, lose the inevitable 100 pounds she is going to gain, and make another 2 million dollars for being a slut who has *very* sub par sex skillz. Just watch the video. Sorry Kanye, this is the only time I actually feel bad for you. George Bush DOES like black people! Taylor Swift, while annoying as fuck, DID win that award!

In any case, this is all the lead up to the most amazing, hysterically ingenious picture/side by side I have EVER seen. And that says a lot if you have played my I Spy game with Lindsay Lohan. Low and behold, my new fave obsession to make fun of…Pregnant Kim Kardash.

you're welcome.

you’re welcome.

I am hoping Kim continues to let herself go so we can just see how large the human ass can actually get. Kind of like a biology experiment if you will.

In addition…as Kim and Kourtney continue to “take Miami” aka mope around the most fun city like 2 duds on quaaludes rubbing breast milk on themselves….this was happening:

standing is SO hard.

standing is SO hard.

me like cookies

me like cookies & lunchables.

This is apparently what happens to Rob when his girlfriend cheats on him with 20 guys. He gets some disease that makes you obese, in like, 6 days.

Thank god when guys break up with me the last thing I want to do is eat. It’s basically the only time I can ever give up food. Great cycle though. Get broken up with –> don’t eat –> look hotter than you did with the last asshole –> find new asshole –> rinse and repeat until you waste away. Git ya some!

Also while K&K were taking Miami/bitching and complaining that their hotel was too “small” and not “private enough” (LIKE SERIOUSLY! 2 biggest debs on earth. Kris should be thanking his lucky star)…this was happening:

courtesy of

courtesy of

PSYCHE. That’s just Khloe erryday.

Isn’t it crazy to think that Bruce turned out to be the best one?

Looking forward to tracking Kim’s pregnancy over the next 6 months!



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