We open the episode with a laid back Chris who conveniently forgot to wear a shirt under his zip up hoodie. This was very traumatic for the room full of girls I was sitting with. I mean mainly because it looked really homoerotic but also because I had major concerns about how cold the zipper must have been on Chris’ skin.
We open with a cliffhanger that no one cared about because there are so many damn yoga instructors who can even tell the difference at this point. Moral of the story is that Chris takes back a girl who he eliminated night one, only to eliminate again episode 2. But Chris is so nice guys, he just wanted Kimberly to make some new friends.
The girls finally move in to the mansion, which I am sure they were super excited about at the time – like AHHHH the mansion!!!!! All you japs who read my blog and went to sleepaway camp can just picture the first day of camp. The bitchy girls kick everyone’s ass to get in there first and rearrange all of the beds to put the cool kids together while the losers watch on. I was a pro. Cool corner 4 lyfe.
The best part about the mansion is that it looks good on the outside, but once you get up close and personal, you realize a lot of it is fake. Like Heidi Montag or 75% of the girls on this show. The flowers are fake, the driveway is not permanently wet and they will be knee deep in backed up water in a lesbo group shower in only a days time. Except for Britt.
The first group date is tractor racing in downtown LA…..In bikinis of course, so that we have things to talk shit about in the privacy of our own homes. The race was boring as f*ck because the tractors were slower than a Fischer-Price car powered by your cramped up legs.
The most shocking part about this date is that none of the chicks did their hair. There were like 3 girls who showed up to the date looking like how I show up to the tanning salon.
Mackenzie wins extra time on the night portion of the date where she talks about Aliens and noses, I think? The conversation was a snoozer and Chris probably has more chemistry with a corpse. But she gets the rose because this is the Bachelor and negative chemistry means maybe she can be my wife.
Mackenzie is all nervous to break the news to Chris that she has a child, because, you know, baggage – but the real concern for me is that she named her son after a spinach trend that is probably gonna go out of style around the same time that everyone realizes Gluten Free is just an excuse to be anorexic. So here’s to hoping Kale is not a red head because then he DEFINITELY won’t be able to pull that name off. Cheers!
Chris chooses Megan to go on a 1-1 date to the Grand Canyon via a really ridiculously beautiful heli ride. Megan is a cute girl but there were a few things wrong with this date. WIFEBEATER. I haven’t worn a wife beater since college when I would cut a slit down the neck for extra slut factor so it seems like a great choice for a date on national tv. If I were on this season I would be internally high fiving myself, like how I did when I saw Jamie Otis’ crunchy hair and pageant dresses.
But seriously, where is she employed as a make up artist? I mean if a make up artist matched my lipstick to my pink wifebeater I would cut a bitch. Well actually I would hope someone would shoot me first for wearing the pink beater. She had a fresh suitcase – like day 3, COME ON! Do better.
Back at the house, a couple of the girls sneak in to Chris’ house which looks like a serious downgrade from past seasons. They had to cut corners in order to pay for Kimmel.
Jillian rubs her scent on Chris’ motorcycle. ABC splurged and black boxed her regions, which we learned may only be because she’s a man with a hairy ass. Jordan, please stay on the screen.
Jordan continues to party her face off, passes out all over the house, and could give 0 f*cks about any sort of date or date card. I forget what her job is but no chance she still has it as of this morning. Family may also be currently disowning. But the best news? I would love to party with you, Jordan. We can take each others pulses and I promise to never ever bring you to the hospital to get your stomach pumped. The most entertaining part of Jordan was watching her upkeep seriously decline as she got drunker and the days went on. By the end of the rose ceremony she looked like she had stuck her head in a toilet and flushed 4 times. Or, Anna Nicole Smith.
The next group date was zombie paintballing….in bikinis. I saw shots of fireball being taken in the limo and couldn’t be more excited for the date to start. Also. Ashley S.
I really don’t know much of what happened on this date other than rewinding Ashley S.’ psychotic rant 16 times. I mean this is real psycho babble philosophy which is clearly a result of too many meds and too much alcohol. I love when crazies don’t know how crazy they are – like they actually have no idea and think they are normal. That’s the vintage crazy sh*t I eat up.
“What’s your biggest fear? Jumping?”
“Your leather smells great”
“Boooom. You find your own path, to the truth.”
“You don’t want to gain the whole world but you don’t want to lose the whole world. Ya know?” OH YES totally pickin up what you’re putting down.
Long awkward pauses
Talking to a stray cat
Shes so effing crazy I feel like she has 72 facebook accounts that are each catfishing infiniti people. I would literally cut off my left hand to attend a dinner with Ashley S., Courtney Stodden and a drug dealer. Cringing for 20 straight minutes just so nervous for what was gonna happen next.
Ashley I. is a virgin, which shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone because she wears her hair half up/half down too much to be sexually active. In case you weren’t sure she was a virgin, she also sucks at kissing and there might be a blazin fire in her crotch. The only girls I know who still wear belly button rings also wear shoes like this:
These would have gone nicely with her Egyptian costume which i am pretty sure nutjob ballet teacher wore last week? So much Cache, so little time!
Despite the fact that Ashley wasn’t the best kisser, it’s a big year for awkward kissers – like look at Jamie Otis, she signed up to blindly marry a guy on TV who made her cringe (Not talking about Ben here). Big things are in store for you! And yes, I am absolutely 100% tuning into Married at First Sight: Our First Year, thank you.
At the cocktail party Ashley I. makes chris rub her belly button ring and asks him for 1 wish. All of America wished for it to stop.
Jeueueueueueueueueuelia looks like Adrienne Maloof.
Whitney gives Chris some whiskey which obv guarantees her a rose.
Britt gets a free kiss card and I only can hope the cards continue to escalate. But let’s up the ante. BJ, 10 cents. Have some dignity.
We were all freaking out about how much Britt looks like Vanessa Minillo. But not as much as Nick freaking out he has no more career. Do you think Vanessa is mad that Jessica Simpson got him in his prime? I think about this a lot. Like what happend to the Lachey BROS?! They used to be so cool.
Jordan tries to give one last try to get in with Chris but is so effing hammered the only thing that comes out of her mouth is that she’s only KIND OF a stalker – translation: she’s on her ex’s girlfriend’s brother’s friend’s cousin’s instagram page right now just trolling the sh*t out of it.
Surprise: there are girls named Tracy and Samantha that no one knew existed.
Kaitlyn continues to be hysterical and my friends think she looks like Megan Fox. So in case you are reading this Kaitlyn, HAPPY TUESDAY!
Jillian falls during the rose ceremony, while going up for a rose that wasn’t meant to be hers. The only thing more uncomfortable than this screw up is how long after she laughed about it.
Tara gets eliminated and then cries harder when she hears the girls cheers-ing which made me laugh uncontrollably, because that actually does happen ALL the time and it never doesn’t suck. With that I leave you with the fact that I made it long enough to get 4 shots for foreign countries, only to never make it to any of them.
“I went on the Bachelor and all I got was a malaria shot and possibly herpes” was like my #1 line upon returning home.
I prayed so badly that Jimmy Kimmel was actually Chris Bukowski so I had enough material to make fun of him for another 365 days.
My top 5 as of week 2 for Chris:
3) Ashley S (In hopes he keeps her long enough for us to watch her HASHTAG UNRAVEL)
Let me know what you think!