Uncategorized

All posts in the Uncategorized category

Drunk Philosphies and Hairy Man Butts – This is #TheBachelor Ep 2 Recap.

Published January 13, 2015 by jaclynswartz

We open the episode with a laid back Chris who conveniently forgot to wear a shirt under his zip up hoodie. This was very traumatic for the room full of girls I was sitting with. I mean mainly because it looked really homoerotic but also because I had major concerns about how cold the zipper must have been on Chris’ skin.

Also, this.

We open with a cliffhanger that no one cared about because there are so many damn yoga instructors who can even tell the difference at this point. Moral of the story is that Chris takes back a girl who he eliminated night one, only to eliminate again episode 2. But Chris is so nice guys, he just wanted Kimberly to make some new friends.

The girls finally move in to the mansion, which I am sure they were super excited about at the time – like AHHHH the mansion!!!!! All you japs who read my blog and went to sleepaway camp can just picture the first day of camp. The bitchy girls kick everyone’s ass to get in there first and rearrange all of the beds to put the cool kids together while the losers watch on. I was a pro. Cool corner 4 lyfe.

The best part about the mansion is that it looks good on the outside, but once you get up close and personal, you realize a lot of it is fake. Like Heidi Montag or 75% of the girls on this show. The flowers are fake, the driveway is not permanently wet and they will be knee deep in backed up water in a lesbo group shower in only a days time. Except for Britt.

The first group date is tractor racing in downtown LA…..In bikinis of course, so that we have things to talk shit about in the privacy of our own homes. The race was boring as f*ck because the tractors were slower than a  Fischer-Price car powered by your cramped up legs.

This date is so fun.

This date is so fun.

The most shocking part about this date is that none of the chicks did their hair. There were like 3 girls who showed up to the date looking like how I show up to the tanning salon.

Mackenzie wins extra time on the night portion of the date where she talks about Aliens and noses, I think? The conversation was a snoozer and Chris probably has more chemistry with a corpse. But she gets the rose because this is the Bachelor and negative chemistry means maybe she can be my wife.

Mackenzie is all nervous to break the news to Chris that she has a child, because, you know, baggage – but the real concern for me is that she named her son after a spinach trend that is probably gonna go out of style around the same time that everyone realizes Gluten Free is just an excuse to be anorexic. So here’s to hoping Kale is not a red head because then he DEFINITELY won’t be able to pull that name off. Cheers!

Chris chooses Megan to go on a 1-1 date to the Grand Canyon via a really ridiculously beautiful heli ride. Megan is a cute girl but there were a few things wrong with this date. WIFEBEATER. I haven’t worn a wife beater since college when I would cut a slit down the neck for extra slut factor so it seems like a great choice for a date on national tv. If I were on this season I would be internally high fiving myself, like how I did when I saw Jamie Otis’ crunchy hair and pageant dresses.

But seriously, where is she employed as a make up artist? I mean if a make up artist matched my lipstick to my pink wifebeater I would cut a bitch. Well actually I would hope someone would shoot me first for wearing the pink beater. She had a fresh suitcase – like day 3, COME ON! Do better.

Back at the house, a couple of the girls sneak in to Chris’ house which looks like a serious downgrade from past seasons. They had to cut corners in order to pay for Kimmel.

Jillian rubs her scent on Chris’ motorcycle. ABC splurged and black boxed her regions, which we learned may only be because she’s a man with a hairy ass. Jordan, please stay on the screen.

Jordan continues to party her face off, passes out all over the house, and could give 0 f*cks about any sort of date or date card. I forget what her job is but no chance she still has it as of this morning. Family may also be currently disowning. But the best news? I would love to party with you, Jordan. We can take each others pulses and I promise to never ever bring you to the hospital to get your stomach pumped. The most entertaining part of Jordan was watching her upkeep seriously decline as she got drunker and the days went on. By the end of the rose ceremony she looked like she had stuck her head in a toilet and flushed 4 times. Or, Anna Nicole Smith.

The next group date was zombie paintballing….in bikinis. I saw shots of fireball being taken in the limo and couldn’t be more excited for the date to start. Also. Ashley S.

I really don’t know much of what happened on this date other than rewinding Ashley S.’ psychotic rant 16 times. I mean this is real psycho babble philosophy which is clearly a result of too many meds and too much alcohol. I love when crazies don’t know how crazy they are – like they actually have no idea and think they are normal. That’s the vintage crazy sh*t I eat up.

Things like:

“What’s your biggest fear? Jumping?”

“Your leather smells great”

“Boooom. You find your own path, to the truth.”

“You don’t want to gain the whole world but you don’t want to lose the whole world. Ya know?” OH YES totally pickin up what you’re putting down.

Long awkward pauses

Talking to a stray cat

Shes so effing crazy I feel like she has 72 facebook accounts that are each catfishing infiniti people. I would literally cut off my left hand to attend a dinner with Ashley S., Courtney Stodden and a drug dealer. Cringing for 20 straight minutes just so nervous for what was gonna happen next.

Hey honey, is KFC still open?

Hey honey, is KFC still open?

Ashley I. is a virgin, which shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone because she wears her hair half up/half down too much to be sexually active. In case you weren’t sure she was a virgin, she also sucks at kissing and there might be a blazin fire in her crotch. The only girls I know who still wear belly button rings also wear shoes like this:

Straight class but I don't have a hairy ass.

Straight class but I don’t have a hairy ass.

These would have gone nicely with her Egyptian costume which i am pretty sure nutjob ballet teacher wore last week? So much Cache, so little time!

Despite the fact that Ashley wasn’t the best kisser, it’s a big year for awkward kissers – like look at Jamie Otis, she signed up to blindly marry a guy on TV who made her cringe (Not talking about Ben here). Big things are in store for you! And yes, I am absolutely 100% tuning into Married at First Sight: Our First Year, thank you.

At the cocktail party Ashley I. makes chris rub her belly button ring and asks him for 1 wish. All of America wished for it to stop.

Jeueueueueueueueueuelia looks like Adrienne Maloof.

Whitney gives Chris some whiskey which obv guarantees her a rose.

Britt gets a free kiss card and I only can hope the cards continue to escalate. But let’s up the ante. BJ, 10 cents. Have some dignity.

We were all freaking out about how much Britt looks like Vanessa Minillo. But not as much as Nick freaking out he has no more career. Do you think Vanessa is mad that Jessica Simpson got him in his prime? I think about this a lot. Like what happend to the Lachey BROS?! They used to be so cool.

Jordan tries to give one last try to get in with Chris but is so effing hammered the only thing that comes out of her mouth is that she’s only KIND OF a stalker – translation: she’s on her ex’s girlfriend’s brother’s friend’s cousin’s instagram page right now just trolling the sh*t out of it.

Surprise: there are girls named Tracy and Samantha that no one knew existed.

Becca, #teethenvy.

Kaitlyn continues to be hysterical and my friends think she looks like Megan Fox. So in case you are reading this Kaitlyn, HAPPY TUESDAY!

Jillian falls during the rose ceremony, while going up for a rose that wasn’t meant to be hers. The only thing more uncomfortable than this screw up is how long after she laughed about it.

Tara gets eliminated and then cries harder when she hears the girls cheers-ing which made me laugh uncontrollably, because that actually does happen ALL the time and it never doesn’t suck. With that I leave you with the fact that I made it long enough to get 4 shots for foreign countries, only to never make it to any of them.

“I went on the Bachelor and all I got was a malaria shot and possibly herpes” was like my #1 line upon returning home.

I prayed so badly that Jimmy Kimmel was actually Chris Bukowski so I had enough material to make fun of him for another 365 days.

My top 5 as of week 2 for Chris:

1) Britt

2) Becca

3) Ashley S (In hopes he keeps her long enough for us to watch her HASHTAG UNRAVEL)

4) Whitney

5) Kaitlyn

Let me know what you think!

XO

Jaclyn

I Haven’t Swam in Warm Water Since Nam. Bachelor Recap Ep. 5

Published February 4, 2014 by jaclynswartz

Sorry for the 1 (or 2?) week hiatus. Last week I was blinded in the last 5 minutes of the show by that girls heinous sequined maxi draw string evening gown and it took me a week to recover.

Now I can see again. Unlike Kelly.

We find ourselves moving along with the girls to Vietnam this week and we get to watch them inorganically immerse themselves into Vietnamese culture in a big game of “Producer Says.”

First up is a date card, and it’s for Renee! AWWW! And it says “Are we a good FIT?” AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! The girls be like, omg, that is SO cute! Pabs is SOOO sweet! The only issue? There is no chance in hell Pabs put that sentence together. That’s aside from the fact that these cards have had the same handwriting since 1972 when the Bachelor premiered.

Renee and Pabs leave to go on their date and it starts out with him pushing her around in a baby stroller. Literally, this sh*t couldn’t have been more awkward unless Renee was sucking on a pacifier. Pabs is excited because he and Renee have so much in common. The laundry list went as follows:

–          I’m 32. She’s 32.

–          We both have children

–          She’s….me!

Aside from the fact that this basically sums up my deal breaker list, I’m pretty sure Renee has more to offer than that Pabby. JUST A GUESS.

After the baby stroller ride ends, they end up at the markets where they walk and fake talk and buy ugly gifts for their children. Literally, what 8-year-old boy would wear that hat? It confused me. Like return to sender, please. That is, unless you are dressing up like Raiden and playing Mortal Kombat in your house and kicking the sh*t out of your friend who is Scorpio and you’re like OMG FINISH HIM. I WANT THAT HAT. SEND ME THAT HAT.

ROUND 2. FIGHT!

ROUND 2. FIGHT!

Back to the markets, Pabs is the sweatiest mother effer I have ever seen. I MEAN, worse than that James Case guy who got under booby sweat through his shirt that one time on the stairs with Des. Which, it’s pretty obvious I never forgot because, until then, I didn’t know guys had big enough tits to produce sweat there. Anyway, dulled out canarie yellow wasn’t really the smartest choice for Pabs to wear, but at least tracking his sweat distracted me from their empty conversation.

Flash forward to dinner and I think they are still sweating profusely. Renee has changed into an iridescent silk dress – which needed to be set on fire. But seriously, ANY OTHER COLOR SILK wouldn’t have done you good?

Pabs makes up more stupid rules about kissing where he, again, contradicts himself more than Lindsay Lohan saying she’s grown up and sober every ten minutes.

Back at the house we hear more girls bitch about wanting 1-1 dates which is extremely annoying because you are in Vietnam surrounded by (some) fun girls and unlimited booze. It’s heaven when you aren’t on the dates! And this is a competition that you want to WIN! Just kidding, it’s a journey of love. And the prize is a Neil Lane ring you’ll have to return in 6 months’ time.

Next is the group date where the girls float around in mini boat baskets in the poop brown river. Not 1 person jumped to partner with Juan, because it’s pretty clear that would be a death sentence where you’d have nothing to talk about.

Clare makes the best of having no friends and makes out with Pabs in the basket in a very awkwardly uncomfortable position. I am glad she made the move, but it didn’t look like anything of Juan’s was moving. And yes, I paused, HERE. It’s such a joy when guys wear shorts.

Hehehehe.

Hehehehe.

After the make out sesh in the smelly river, the girls put on Raiden hats and go into a field. They oooh and ahhh over CROPS! And produce!!! Because, ya know, girls who go on the Bachelor are sooooooooo DTE and love to hunt and gather their food like wildebeests. Cassandra goes into what they are doing for this portion of the date, and how excited she is…which which we all know is complete bulls*it because no gold digger likes to go farming. Or a 20-year-old, no less.

BLAH BLAH BLAH…group date night portion…Kelly says some entertaining comments…BLAH BLAH BLAH. Clare is getting too much attention. Date over.

OR IS IT?!?!??!?!? Clare has just had the best day EVER picking crops and riding in baskets in sewage – she really doesn’t want it to end!!!! So…Clare goes over to Pabs’ suite and decides to wake him up. She reveals that her bucket list item is to swim in warm water at which point all of America cracks up. She clearly wanted to say a different word for ‘swim’ but decided to Disney-fy it for ABC. The benefit? Her stupid effing bucket list. Clare’s life consists of no octopus eating and no hot water. She’s like, Slumdog Millionaire, minus the millionaire.

The two of them going in the ocean and do some dirty things…I just hope for the other girls’ sake she was taking her Valtrex.

Clare’s sub par Courtney imitation leads us into the next date…

Nikki!…Who finally gets the 1-1 date she never ever in a million effing years wanted; rappelling down a cave with Pabs and sweating her ass off while doing so. At least her hair looked cute. Though, it looked slightly cuter in her Interviews than on the real date (but still a good try for matching it! A++). I am not sure what happened during the rest of their date because I was online shopping and got distracted. Not for nothing I bought a really amazing leather shirt. Either way, keep what you’re doing Nikki, looking cute and cracking me up.

Fast forward to the rose ceremony and Pabs’ sells out Clare faster than the Target Missoni Collection. Pabs’ sex and kissing rules are harder to figure out than a game of clue while heavily intoxicated. THEY MAKE NO SENSE. After they BOTH agree to go in the ocean and hook up, Pabs decides he needs to do some damage control for his daughter Cameeeeeeela, and essentially calls Clare a cheap rapey hooker. Not fair. Takes two to tango, bra. Don’t agree with him and in no way shape or form will that excuse what you did. No doubt Camila will be watching that sexcapade on youtube with her cabbage patch kid.

The rose ceremony commences, and apparently curly-haired girl said a couple of words. I missed it. But this is me, still not caring.

Kelly my FAVE gets the boot, which unfortunately I knew was coming…since, much like me, she had minimal conversations with the Bachelor but a TON OF FUN talking sh*t (and being witty) about everything else. Thank you for making this show entertaining KELL. Now I don’t care that I’ll be missing the next two episodes.

My top 3 FOR PABS:

1)      Nikki

2)      Renee

3)      Andi

What did you all think?

Xx

Jac

Quit Yo Bitchin’. 20 Things I LOVE about Winter.

Published October 2, 2013 by jaclynswartz

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

So, remember when I found all those flaws in Summer? Because, well, it’s fun to point out imperfections? Well, now all these people are bitching about how Winter is upon us and the cliché weather talk is literally through the roof. THROUGH THE ROOF. I’d rather dissect a fetal pig in bio class than have a conversation about weather. Remember what those things smelled like? Yea, so, you get the point.

Since I am SUCH a positive person (tehe), I really want to stick up for Winter. I mean, what did it ever do to you aside from causing you to be seasonally depressed, hate life, and not want to get up in the morning? It’s so funny when LA people try to rub it in everyone’s faces – “This is why I LOVE LA!” or “LA weather is the best!” – HA! Shut your face. This is our time to shine, remind them that they live in LA, laugh in their face a little, and continue you on your merry way in leather pants and a fur coat. SEE — THERE IS A LOT TO WINTER THAT IS TOADALLY (I think totes is on it’s way out, folks) SO FUN AND COOL AND EXCITING, LIKE, YAYYYYYY! So let’s talk about the 20 things I effing love about winter. Shall we?

1) Everyone gets SO much uglier! This is SO great! Why? Because all you have to do is go for one spray tan and you are instantly better looking than the ugly pale ghosts surrounding you. That is LITERALLY all it takes. Think about the crap you gotta go through in the summer to maintain?! I mean, I am all about minimum investment, MAXIMUM REWARD. Tan mom 4 eva.

My idol.

My idol.

2) It’s ok to be SKAT (skinny-fat). Like oh helloooooooooooooo Lobster Mac and Cheese from Capital Grille. I have been putting you off all summer. Now I get to take you to the face, and no one will notice. THIS IS ALREADY SO FUN. I’M LIKE SOOO EXCITED FOR WINTER AND WE ARE ONLY ON NUMBER 2!

7,500 calories of heaven. PLEASE INSTAGRAM MEEEEE!

7,500 calories of heaven. PLEASE INSTAGRAM MEEEEE!

3) Using the excuse that you are “in a funk” to book random weekend trips. I am already starting this trend. Just booked a trip to Miami and have alerted my friends that this is going to be my faux bachelorette! I MEAN WHAT AN IDEA! This is mainly for 2 reasons: a) an excuse to party uncontrollably (which will probably only strengthen my funk) and b) I love attention (EXCEPT for when people sing “happy birthday” – makes me want to jump out the window).

I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

4)  THE FASHION. I will literally get egged, ketchuped, or flour bombed ANY DAY of the week – don’t care, FUR IS THE TITS!

Get at me.

Get at me.

5) FOOTBALL SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS. Black out followed by black out followed by miz Mondays. But who even cares! You met a ton of new people last weekend, perhaps 25 potential new boyfriends/fiances/husbands, AND you were reunited with your seasonal football watching crew that you missed oh so much this summer. DING DING DING! Winner. Go Badgers. Go Pats.

This is actually a serious matter because Vince just tore his Achilles. But then you just picture Bianca in her bejeweled 75 jersey on her pimped out phone sporting a mohawk, and all is good.

This is actually a serious matter because Vince just tore his Achilles. But then you just picture Bianca in her bejeweled 75 jersey on her pimped out phone sporting a mohawk, and all is good.

6) SKI TRIPS. Hey, shocker of the year, I don’t ski (unless it’s down a street in San Francisco on the Bachelor)! I scared I’ll tear my ACL MCL and other organs that are tearable. BUT GUESS WHAT! I WILL BE A PART OF YOUR SKI TRIPS with bells on. Going up to Vermont and renting a huge house, tons of booze, hot tubs, cute outfits and tons of fun. Not only will I go on your ski trip, but I will reserve and hold the happy hour table for when everyone gets finished skiing at the mountain. Why do I do this? Because, well, Happy Hour is the best thing ever invented, and also this significantly increases my value and worth to the group. What’s that you say? Thanks for holding the table for you you’re having the best day of your life? YEAH! That’s because of me. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Oh. The memories.

Oh. The memories.

7) Homeland. Duh. Side note, I know I have an ugly cry, cuz like, well, all of America basically pointed it out (thanks google alerts! I owe ya one!) but why doesn’t Claire Danes work on hers?! For the love of g-d!  Also, I watched “Masters of Sex” the other night. Little bit of a tangent, but this has been causing me to lose sleep at night. Do actors get “aroused” when they have to film a sex scene with an actress? I mean I was watching this show and I missed the entire plot line because I literally couldn’t get past this. It’s something I have wondered for YEARS. They HAVE to right? I mean they are literally naked and hooking up with each other.

Carrie, nevah looked bettah!

Carrie, nevah looked bettah!

Ok PRETTY BAD. Thanks, Ben!

Ok PRETTY BAD. Thanks, Ben!

Officially peeing in my pants. You're welcome, assholes.

Officially peeing in my pants. You’re welcome, assholes.

JOEL MCHALE HAD A FIELD DAY WITH THIS, and thanks to google, these pics will live on forever.

8) Christmas in New York. Can you let me get sentimental for ONE moment please? Because there is seriously nothing better than this time of year in the city. It’s BEAUTIFUL. Plus, there are a lot of nutella crepe shops that open up (did I just kill the vibe?) – and damn that shit is good.

christmas-angel--new-york_4140_1024x768 111222-LIGHTS-008 xmas2

9) You don’t need to feel like a loser when you sleep in and lose a productive day. Why? Because it’s gross out anyway! Just keep telling yourself that.

tumblr_maiplgZYXz1rqipu4o1_500

10) Daylight savings is a real bitch. You leave for work and its dark out. You come back from work and it’s dark out. WELL WHATEVER! Vampires are soooo chic these days. Plus, most of the population looks better in the dark anyway. True Life.

That is a lot of makeup, Boone!!! #lost.

That is a lot of makeup, Boone!!! #lost.

11) BLANKETS! I EFFING LOVE BLANKETS! Confession: I had a blanky until Senior year of college when my roommates made me throw it out. I literally took it down to the dumpster on Langdon Street, and tossed it. Such a vivid memory and I have regretted it ever since. In other news, here is a great pillow that you should all purchase. I PROM that it doesn’t scream “daddy issues” or “run for the hills.” I mean, fine line, for sure, but the comedic factor might slightly have the edge on what a psychopath you probably are.

At least the boyfriend pillow doesn't talk back. But he's a little soft in the core.

At least the boyfriend pillow doesn’t talk back. But he’s a little soft in the core.

12) Tights absolutely suck the life out of me on a weekend. Let’s be real, they make our heels all slippery and our dresses less slutty – WHO WOULD EVER WANT THAT?! Nobody. So don’t wear em and feel like a rebel. Even if your legs are shaking and your lips are blue. HOWEVER, when are tights ah-mazing? When you are wearing Wolford tights to work. POWER WOMAN. YOU GO GURL. WERK IT. (PS – I hate the word “amaze-balls.” Like literally loathe it, it makes my skin crawl. I don’t know who invented it or why it ever became a “thing.” It’s the dumbest word ever and makes me cringe. If you say it, 99.9% of the time you totally suck and are trying too hard. So retire it, mmkay? Thanks!)

Like, hello! I am in charge, betch.

Like, hello! I am in charge, betch.

13) Halloween! This is actually a joke. I hate dressing up with a passion. So much build up for a crowded annoying night. Last year I REFUSED to partake in the festivities. That’s until the day of when I was peer pressured into going out and then had a heart attack because my avatar costume ripped up the ass (SKAT) and so I threw on a slutty dress with a wig and ended up at Kim Kardashian’s party making out with a stuffed animal snake. WAIT, I THINK I LOVE HALLOWEEN?!

Ummmm, you do you, and I'll do me. Thanks!

Ummmm, you do you, and I’ll do me. Thanks!

14) You get to be the biggest asshole at Starbucks so you feel really important — I MEAN, NO ONE in line knows as much about coffee as you do, RIGHT?! Grande Pumpkin spiced latte in a venti cup, skim milk, extra shot of espresso, extra hot, double cupped and CAN YOU ONLY MAKE IT SLIGHTLY WET? tehehe. (mature). Oh and PS, it’s spelled J-A-C-L-Y-N, BITCH!

IF THE CARAMEL DRIZZLE ISN'T DRIZZLED LIKE SO, I REFUSE TO PAY FOR IT. ALSO WHERE IS MY RED CUP.

IF THE CARAMEL DRIZZLE ISN’T DRIZZLED LIKE SO, I REFUSE TO PAY FOR IT. ALSO WHERE IS MY RED CUP. Love me.

15) SUPERIORITY….when I wear SOREL’S versus UGGS. Other than Tom Brady, there is absolutely nothing attractive about Uggs. They look like they were hand crafted by elves, and needless to say, after a week of wear they smell like shit. The only people who wear uggs are Moms who don’t know better or 1-22 year olds that are either being forced to wear them without their own approval, OR, who wear sweatpants with “JUICY” on the ass, Tiffany’s bracelets, and downed puffy coats. Are you one of these people? Yes?! Then get off my blog.

OMG, I'm so cool I can't take it!

OMG, I’m so cool I can’t take it!

I'm an ugly heinous beast who paired these nasty things with a jean ripped skirt.

I can’t see this chick’s face, but she wears jean ripped skirts paired with these nasty bootlike things called uggs. Oh HELLZ nah.

16) BLONDE ALERT. Are your friends debating dyeing their hair darker for the winter? WELL TELL THEM HELL YES. The darker they go, the more your blonde stands out. Sometimes I feel like I am the only blonde girl who was ever produced. Especially when I hang out with my jewish friends – this feels particularly awesome.

Enough said. Also, Reese, I am obsessed with your children in an unhealthy way.

Enough said. Also, Reese, I am obsessed with your children in an unhealthy way.

17) Snow days!!!!!!!! How much cooler are snow days now than they were back then? Oh yeah ummmm I fake live in New Jersey (sorry I would never “real” live there) and since the trains are shut down I won’t be making it in!!! TIME TO WATCH MAURY AND THE PRICE IS RIGHT. You are NOT the father. This IS cool.

I hope you all have since fired your then agents.

I hope you all have since fired your then agents.

18) Toss those razors, kids! And don’t deny it – the frequency in which you shave your legs has just decreased SIGNIFICANTLY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BUT GOOGLE IS ONE EFFED UP PLACE.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BUT GOOGLE IS ONE EFFED UP PLACE.

19) Not sure if they do this everywhere else in the country, but the vendors who sell the xmas trees on the street are usually very attractive and definitely don’t have an exciting life. Therefore, when you are drunk and on your way home from the bars – flirting and purchasing xmas trees from these dudes is definitely a really sound decision. While they won’t become your husbands (unlike your new football weekend friends!) it makes for a great story when you wake up to a random tree in your living room with a leaf trail from the doorway. In addition, you continue to make those plans to decorate it! It won’t happen, but dream big! (Best 60 bucks I ever spent.)

This could be your boyfriend one night.

This could be your boyfriend one night.

20) INSTAGRAM! What was winter like before instagram? I mean where we didn’t have filters to make us look tan or better looking than we actually are?! Anyway, instagram is essentially a gateway for everyone to just catfish the shit out of each other. My name is “Chastity Noneya” (as in noneya business) and don’t be surprised when Nev calls you on the phone to interview you for “The MTV show Catfish!” – ps – who is more effed up? The morons who are so far beyond stupid and have an online relationship with fake people, or the ones who pretend to be someone else and then have no remorse or guilt? I say the latter, essentially because I will be featured on the upcoming season of catfish. JK, YOU CAN GOOGLE ME. Swartz, out.

LO-FI FOR LIFE.

LO-FI FOR LIFE.

Winter.

Winter.

Listen up kidz, only 8 more months go!!! We can do this. 7 if you count all those fluke global warming scorchers in April. March I’ll probably go somewhere warm again, so, basically only 6 months away. Simple math. It’s BASICALLY tomorrow!

So what are your fave things about winter? Do you AGREE with me? You probably should, because if you don’t, well, I’ll think of something.

XX
Jac

Every thing has its flaws. 25 things I can’t stand about Summer.

Published July 10, 2013 by jaclynswartz
Croutons, will you marry me...and stop sticking to my ass?

Croutons, will you marry me…and stop sticking to my ass?

I LOVE LISTS. I LOVE SUMMER. I LOVE CROUTONS. Things I don’t like? Summer putting the pressure on me to leave the croutons OFF of my salad. I WON’T DO IT.

Clearly summer is the best invention ever…especially for those of us who live through all 4 seasons. You just appreciate it THAT much more. LIKE HOW EXCITING IS IT THAT YOU CAN GO 15 SHADES BLONDER AND GET AWAY WITH IT/NOT LOOK LIKE A WASHED OUT ALBINO!? It’s really hard to criticize something so amazing…I feel that way about myself a lot…however, no one is perfect, and neither is summer. So let me revert to my  inner (slash overtly outer) cynic and share with you the things that I can’t stand about summer.

1) Girls who wear stilettos with bikinis. Unless you are Heidi Montag (Sidenote: are she and Spencer still alive? I actually always liked her more than LC – not gonna lie. What girl goes by “LC” til the age of 25 anyway?! It’s weird) post 72 plastic surgeries, this is unacceptable and you are a serious joke. Do you know you are a joke? Anyway, it’s totally cool if you are a slut, naturally…but in this case, you are trying too hard to be a slut, and that’s bad. Very bad. K, get outta my face.

como se dice, "JOKE"?

como se dice, “JOKE”?

2) Aside from the NYC trash stench that is formed when the heat/evaporation/condensation of rotten crap is combined, let’s talk about the weird water puddles that are in NYC. I mean, its a combination of probably boiling hot filth water, trash particles, rat crap, and some sort of soapie substance that was left over from the guy on parole who had to “mop” the sidewalk. I constantly ask myself; what would someone need to pay me in order for me to take a shot of that liquid? I think  it would be 10 Million. I go back and forth about it a lot. You aren’t allowed to throw it up. You ARE allowed to get a tetanus shot right after. CLEARLY I have thought long and hard about this (in my head no less). Crazy? Cool.

3) Hamptons hangovers. These are unlike any other hangovers. FOR INSTANCE. I was so hungover I don’t remember packing to come home the other weekend. In turn, I left my Rag & Bone boyfriend jeans there — and did I mention they cost me $297 dollars? DOH!

4) Best hair do on the beach? Side braid. Worst outcome of the best hairdo on the beach? Burnt scalp. HOLY JESUS.

5) UBS. No, not the effing finance company you morons. Under Boob Sweat. The mean stepsister of ULS; upper lip sweat. I mean, when you feel that little trickle down your stomach?! COME ON. Admit it. And no a-holes, this doesn’t mean I have saggy boobs. Actually, au contraire. We are all victim to this – as James demonstrated on the Bachelorette a couple weeks ago.

6) WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE HENNA TATTOOS I HAVE BEEN SEEING?! I thought this was something you ONLY did at 16 on your Rein Teen Tour during the Venice Beach stop because you were feeling rebellious and all out of sorts that you were not allowed at camp that summer?! Unless you are Katherine Heigl on your way to your best friend’s Indian wedding in 27 dresses, just say no.

7) WHY IS IT ALWAYS GORGEOUS OUT MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY AND THEN POURS ON SATURDAY AND SUNDAY?! I’ve been really good this week, God. I prom!

8) Oh hi the color Gray, this is me taking some space from you this Summer. We’re “on a break,” will see how the summer goes without you, but may revisit you in the fall.

9) Tramp stamps. Find your nearest CVS, buy some band aids and cover that shit up or we may all go blind.

10) Girls who think that since it’s “hot and humid” that there is no need to do their hair anymore. Mousse is so ’99. Is there anything grosser than crunchy curls?! VOM. (Some of my friends do this, so please consider this my passive aggressive way of telling you to stop).

11) Chicks in oversized sunglasses. I can’t see you, but I’ll bet you are not attractive.

12) The Subway sucks all 4 seasons of the year, I never like taking it, so I am not going to put it on this list. It’s the grazing of sweaty men that REALLY sets me into murder mode.

13) Speaking of murderers, something I hate about summer is that we learned Aaron Hernandez IS THE WORST MURDERER EVER! On the flip side it’s good to know we share the same interest in cotton candy bubble yum. But Black and Milds?! Come on, that’s 8th grade status. Grow up.

14) There is no sexy way to eat a hot dog with sauerkraut, mustard, and ketchup.

15) Summer small talk. How’s your summer going?! Answer choices: Good, thanks!! –OR –So far, awful. I contracted the clap and it’s been a real bitch to get rid of. However, the scene at the frying pan has been great.

16) Listening to every girl recite what they ate that day because it’s bikini season — who ever said we were all in a food support group all summer?! Eat the cupcake and shutup. Not interested.

17) Speaking of “fat” — I hate the gym, every chick in my soul cycle class is fat, and it’s too hot to run outside. Just kidding, this is a positive and just another excuse for me to not work out.

18) DRINKING BEER IN A BIKINI. This is seriously the worst thing in the world. Guys can’t even begin to understand. Anyway, judge me all you want, I’ll stick to wine.

19) It’s too hot to lay out in this concrete jungle.

20) WHO ARE THESE LOSERS PLAYING ULTIMATE FRISBEE AND JUGGLING BOWLING PINS?!

21) I know it’s cheaper for you to have your wedding on July 4th, but it just makes me hate you.

22) Having friends who are teachers. I really do enjoy talking shit about your profession 10 months of the year (ha you have to get up early, ha you have to be on your feet all day, ha you are basically salary capped), but your payback is so much greater when you get to sit on your ass for 2 months and I cry myself to sleep at night with jealousy.

23) FIT FLOPS. The summer Uggs, if you will. These are the most effing heinous sandals – no way around it. They aren’t stylish, they aren’t cool, and they don’t “go” with anything. Do you seriously think walking around in these awkward looking moon shoes will cause you to lose weight or get fit?! You should check yourself. Plus, if you wear “Fit Flops” to lose weight or stay in shape, you may as well just let yourself go. What a minimalist effort made by you. Your non-existent trainer would be pissed. I JUST GOT SO MAD TALKING ABOUT THIS.

You look fugly in these shoes.

You look fugly in these shoes.

24) The worst in between TV time ever. Game of Thrones has ended, Homeland has not yet started, and all we are left with is Mary Murphy’s shriek of a Hot Tamale Train. Oh and the Bachelorette of course….Zak, call me. BRING BACK BACHELOR PAD.

Still looking for my $250k.

Still looking for my $250k.

25) Every weekend there is a mass exodus out of NYC for greener pastures. BUT HOW COME I STILL CAN’T GET A RESERVATION AT ABC KITCHEN!??!?! WTF MOTHER EFFER.

Anyway, there are some of the things that come to mind. As always, I LOVE to hear what your additions would be/what I forgot/how you feel about my list. Discuss amongst ya-selves.

One LAST thing. HOW GOOD DID AMANDA BYNES LOOK FOR HER COURT DATE YESTERDAY!? I mean I can’t get over it. I’m not even kidding in the slightest. Her skin looked flawless. It looked like she took out those weird cheek piercings. The blue wig? I’m a fan, and would seriously wear one if I could pull it off. I don’t care that she was wearing an Alvin Ailey Dance School jersey tank, I now want one. In addition, 107.2 has NEVER looked better on her. I’m so happy for her I could cry. Now, here’s to hoping she still has a nose after 4839248320 nose jobs and 239203904 pounds of blow. It’s too bad she tweeted that the Obama’s were ugly. I mean, I miss the days where she would tweet the President asking to throw out her DUI. I MEAN SHE DOESN’T DRINK, OKKKKKKKKK!!! Sweatpant chic 4eva.

I love you so much it hurts. Please unblock me.

I love you so much it hurts. Please unblock me.

XO

Jac

Nostalgia Road – Things That Were Cool Back Then. Part One.

Published May 22, 2013 by jaclynswartz

Reminiscing is so much fun as long as you aren’t one of those losers who lives in the past. For that reason, when things of the past are brought up (even the asshole who once treated you like sh*t – this is funny now!) the laughter and excitement that comes with it is priceless.

I would like to take a trip down memory lane and share with you some things that were TOTALLY COOL, in the past. Ya know, in the days when “cool” was still a thing, because you were forced to hang out with the same people who somehow had the fake power to determine what was cool and what was not. Nowadays. there really is no such thing as “cool,” because you get to hang out with the people you actually want to.

Who am I kidding. There is still a thing as cool. And it’s in my corner.

Anyway, let’s start discussing. Chances are, if you had these items back in the day, you will probably get as equally as excited about this as I am writing it. I am going to jump around to different age ranges – but you’ll deal with it.

In fact, there are so many things I want to throw on this list. But we shall do it in parts. Part 1 will be materialistic belongings that do not include games. Games…TV Shows…etc…will be saved for another day.

Here goes it!

1) THIS EXACT New Kids On The Block sleeping bag. Not sure if they made another one, but if they did and you had it – that’s weird.

Hanging Tough. At sleepovers.

Hangin’ Tough. At sleepovers.

2) These plastic circle shirt pull through contraptions – remember how much it SUCKED when your shirt wasn’t long enough to tie in a knot? THE STRESS! Well, these solved that very serious problem.

Extra points if they were bedazzled. ALWAYS extra points for some sparkle.

Extra points if they were bedazzled. ALWAYS extra points for some sparkle.

3) PUPPY SURPRISE!  “surprise surprise puppy surprise how many puppies are there inside!!” The PREGGERS puppies – with the velcro stomach where baby puppies came out of. It was a surprise how many puppies they would have! Which, if the answer was 1 or 2 puppies only, resulted in me having a serious effing hissy fit and demanding a return and repurchase. Thanks Mom & Dad!

I WANT MORE BABIES I WANT MORE BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT MORE BABIES I WANT MORE BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4) Tamagotchi. I mean, this was the first early sign of my addictive personality. Try to tear that key chain away from me and you might lose your effing head. I NEED TO CLEAN UP ROBOT POOP AND MY TAMAGOTCHI NEEDS TO BE FED OR HE MIGHT DIE!!!!!!!!! Shoot, hold the phone, he just shit again.

I kind of wish I could take care of one RIGHT NOW.

I kind of wish I could take care of one RIGHT NOW.

5) Slap Bracelets. Simply cool because they were fun. But then they got banned from school because some ignoramouses (yes that is a word in my personal dictionary) hurt themselves while slapping. Thanks for ruining this experience for all of us.

Slap me.

Slap me.

6) Beanie Babies. I can’t even tell you how many of these I had. I could star in an entire episode of Hoarders based on my collection alone. In addition, I had a white Seal with a misplaced name tag (ie the Seal’s name was supposed to be “Seamore” but it read “Batty”) and I was convinced it was worth ONE MILLION dollars. In addition to the Princess Di Bear, any every other “limited edition” beanie baby…come to think of it, I believe EVERY beanie baby started to read “limited edition” — thus making them “must haves.” Jokes on us. Good one TY.

SEAMORE! Did you miss me!?

SEAMORE! Did you miss me!?

If this fad didn't end, I would have grown up to be THIS LADY.

If this fad didn’t end, I would have grown up to be THIS LADY.

7) POGS. Cardboard circles with designs and characters on them that were originally supposed to be a game, however, if you were a girl, they served no significance but to show off your collection. THE MORE THE BETTER. In fact, they became just so unmanageable that plastic cylindrical cases were necessary. From there, those pogs never saw the light of day. But they didn’t need to! Knowing and showing off that the cases were filled was enough to brag and say “I have more than you.” Suck it.

Kids are SO weird.

Kids are SO weird.

8) LISA FRANK EVERYTHING. From folders, to trapper keepers, to markers to stickers. One time I wrote “I ❤ Zach” in red marker on the inside of my Lisa Frank folder. Zack sat next to me in class. When I took my papers out, Zach saw this. I never forgot it. Speaking of, Urban is trying to bring back Lisa Frank. I may just have to buy it.

HONESTLY, THE COLORS!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HONESTLY, THE COLORS!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9) Speaking of stickers, sticker collections were VERY SERIOUS. I had my stickers in a laminate book. Sandy Lion stickers were my favorite. If you didn’t have Sandy Lion stickers in your collection then A) You were NEVER going to do business with me (I ran a tight sticker trading ship) and B) your collection was NOT good or valuable, and in turn, you were not cool.

The fuzzies were very classy.

The fuzzies were very classy.

10) The Laser background in every and all school pictures.

THIS ONE.

THIS ONE.

11) Polly. Effing. Pocket. Nothing says “cool” more than a portable mini doll playland. And I don’t care what you say, the free ones that came in your McDonald’s happy meals were NOT the same. Grow up.

Sidenote: This was something I did NOT share.

Another part of my hoarding past.

Another part of my hoarding past.

12) Scrunchies. No explanation needed.

Ahhhhh the days of no ponytail headache.

Ahhhhh the days of no ponytail headache.

13) The Bumble Ball. This shit kept my baby sister (and dogs) entertained for HOURS! Set it and forget it!

Give to baby. Watch baby vibrate.

Give to baby. Watch baby vibrate.

14) Keds. With Sparkle and Design. Is Stride Rite still a thing? Because going to Stride Rite was like better than 8 nights of Hannukah.

Someone please remind me why these are trying to be brought back....BY TAYLOR SWIFT NONETHELESS.

Someone please remind me why these are trying to be brought back….BY TAYLOR SWIFT NONETHELESS.

15) Best Friend Necklaces. Not sure why a broken heart resembled a BEST friendship, but whatevs, it soooooooooo did! Also, definitely only friends with maybe 1 of the 8 “other half best friend” recipients to this day. But hey, that says a lot. Hi Sam!

I love that I was cliquey in elementary school.

I love that I was cliquey in elementary school.

16) LOONEY TUNES CLOTHING. I had Keds with the Tasmanian Devil on them. I had shirts and leggings with patchwork. But most importantly, I had this jean jacket, and my Mom AND Dad each had this leather one. Pretty sure their leather jacket cost around $400. So worth it. NOTHING WAS COOLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I get excited even just typing about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cool to the Nth Power.

Cool to the Nth Power.

Who had cool parents?! THIS GIRL.

Who had cool parents?! THIS GIRL.

17) Writing on your backpack with Whiteout. You know the new monogrammed L.L. Bean backpack Mom just bought you? Well, ruined in negative 30 seconds by whiteout graffiti. Best friends’ initials, doodles, and designs. Maybe some paw prints and a 143 thrown in there for some girly flair.

Remember how much easier said graffiti was when these came out!?

Remember how much easier said graffiti was when these came out!?

This probz weighed 150 pounds if you were anything like me.

This probz weighed 150 pounds if you were anything like me.

18) Paris Blues. When Mudd became soooooo ’96.

Extra flare = Extra cool

Extra flare = Extra cool

19) Kate Spade Mini Backpacks. I mean, most shocking news of today? That Kate Spade is still around, and has great bags, shoes, & accessories (not a fan of the clothes). I mean HOW UGLY ARE THESE BACKPACKS?! Either way, back then, they were totally cool and a status symbol. Or, a status symbol that your parents had money. OR, THAT I BABYSAT EVERY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY FOR 6 MONTHS TO SAVE FOR THIS SHIT. I always worked hard for my money, haters. Anyways the words mini and backpack should never ever go together in a sentence for the rest of time.

A heinous geometric mini backpack.

A heinous geometric mini backpack.

And after the backpack, you probably graduated to this:

6a00e553bc02c9883301347ffc9492970c-800wi

Then this:

_5129433

And finally, to this, but not for any diaper purposes:

images (3)

20) The Tiffany’s Tag bracelet. Now that I brought up the Kate Spade backpack, I HAVE to mention the Tiffany’s bracelet, or where I come from, the “jap tag.” I also had the matching toggle necklace! Man this shit is ugly. And if you still are wearing this bracelet today, in 2013, 1) HAHAHAHAH 2) Throw it out.

Please return ALL to Tiffany's.

Please return ALL to Tiffany’s.

That concludes part 1!

Were you cool?

Do you agree, disagree? What did I miss?

XX

Jac

25 Things You Don’t Know About Me. Because US Weekly Didn’t Call.

Published May 3, 2013 by jaclynswartz
"I have little baby tiny mini dwarf hands that are disproportional to my body." Oh wait, I knew that already.

“I have little baby tiny mini dwarf hands that are disproportional to my body.” Oh wait, I knew that already.

So, like, for SOME ungodly reason US Weekly has not approached me to do an exclusive “25 Things You Don’t Know About Jaclyn Swartz” piece (I’m looking at YOU Jen Peros…). I meeeeeean, if you are going to do one on Ryan Lochte, then everyone should have a fair chance of being selected. He probably just wrote “there is much more to me than swimming,” 25 times over.

ANYWAY, ugh, I guess if they aren’t going to do one on me, I feel like it’s my duty to write one myself. As if you haven’t learned enough about me from Bachelor…Bachelor Pad…Facebook…Twitter…Instagram…Four Sqaure…Snap Chat…Vine…here is some more!

1) I despise, I LOATHE raw onions. It’s the smell – they just smell absolutely rancid. I can smell it from a mile away. Outside, inside, doesn’t matter, get those effing things away from me. If you eat them, I judge you. If you eat them in my vicinity, I yell at you. I have hissy fits in the office when I can smell it. They aren’t allowed to be eaten in my apartment, and my coworkers have stopped (FOR THE MOST PART, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) putting them on their salads. Also, why would you CHOOSE to eat raw onions? They make you smell awful. Seriously, a cute girl eating onions? Get a grip, act like a lady. You nastay.

Sidenote: This condition ONLY applies to raw onions. RAW. If you grill em, sautee em, caramelize em…you’re golden!

Hi, it's me, satan. I am the devil.

Hi, it’s me, Satan. I am the devil.

2) I am PETRIFIED of “Characters.” When I was little, my parents took us to Disney World, and we had dinner in one of those Disney Hotels – where the Characters would walk through the restaurant and say hi to all the tables and kids. I was THAT child that was screaming and shrieking and ruining everyone else’s family fun at what is supposed to be the happiest place on earth. NO EFFING CHANCE. Now, when I still see them (and there are a ton in times square) I veer the other way and walk really fast to pass them. I CANNOT look them in the eye. I also can’t really put my finger on why I am so scared of them. Because, in all seriousness, I am totally cool with the fact that the man underneath the costume is a pedophile rapist murderer. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest! It’s more so something about the costume and the fact that they come at you with weird movements and no voice.

Elmo probs has a red rocket in this particular moment, but that's not what scares me.

Elmo probs has a red rocket in this particular scenario, but I’m confident that’s not what scares me.

3) I have a mental disorder called Twitter anxiety. I have serious freak outs when I lose twitter followers. My coworkers are the ones that have to deal with it. It’s a real thing. It’s like, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!?!?!? If I tweet too much, I lose em. If I don’t tweet, I lose em. When I’m brilliantly funny, I friggin lose em. Ashley Tisdale could tweet a picture of a white wall and get 9409503247829 favorites and retweets. WHAT GIVES?! Another annoying thing I do? Brag when my klout score goes up. Ya know, that fake scale of social media coolness that means absolutely nothing and gives you the shittiest of shitty perks ever? Ya, that.

Xannie bars all day erryday.

Xannie bars all day erryday.

4) I LOVE KELLY CLARKSON. When Kell got engaged I was happier than when a lot of people I personally know got engaged. I mean, all those years people thought she was a lesbo! Shame on you. People criticizing her weight! Shame on you. Kell doesn’t give a dog fak. She just is who she is, and continues to make AMAZE songs. Voice of an angel. In the words of Christina “You’re beautiful, just the way you are (Kell).” Note: this does NOT apply to Christina herself.

She can do NO wrong.

She can do NO wrong.

5) My first concert ever was New Kids On The Block with my Dad. I was OBSESSED with Joey MacIntyre. If you were a Jordan Knight kinda girl, EW. That’s like being a J.C. girl. A Kevin girl. A Slater girl. Same diff. Who ever goes for the 2nd best? Oh wait, I know who does…underachievers and losers. ANYWAYS…20 years later, I sat next to Joey at a KELLY CLARKSON CONCERT! We chatted. My 7 year old self was peeing on herself. My 27 year old self wanted to jump his bones. Neither happened. Good and bad I guess. Whatevs.

Is it illegal if this still turns me on?

Is it illegal if this still turns me on?

Stop. It. Right. Now. I can't.

Stop. It. Right. Now. I can’t.

6) I HATE WATER. If you love water, you are lying. It’s tasteless, and so are you. I drink it solely to avoid hospitalization for dehydration. Someone once told me it’s essential or some shit.

7) While the local news drives me absolutely crazy – I think it’s the funniest thing in the world. Are these news anchors for real?! Some of the stories they come up with are so mindnumbingly stupid. I mean, I am convinced that they hire drunk homeless people to drum up their headlines. Is there any way we can cancel the local news?

Well.......THIS is awkward.

Well…….THIS is awkward.

Leprechaun on the loose!!!!!!!!

Leprechaun on the loose!!!!!!!!

"You are so DUMB. Hide ya kids, hide ya wives, and hide ya husbands...cuz their rapin everyone out there!" Thanks, Antoine.

“You are so DUMB. Hide ya kids, hide ya wives, and hide ya husbands…cuz their rapin everyone out there!” Thanks, Antoine.

Ok let’s NOT cancel the local news. I take that back. In a very serious way.

7) I am OBSESSED with good girls gone bad. And no, not the RiRi kind. She’s just a good girl making bad decisions. Amanda Bynes: Case & Point. I am so obsessed with her, I wouldn’t think it was weird if she got a restraining order against me. I talk about her ALL the time. I lose sleep over her well being. I lose sleep over the fact that I haven’t run into her yet. I lose sleep over wondering how she managed to get camel toe in baggy white sweatpants. Where did she purchase her plastic adidas sandals? Lady Foot Locker? Why did she put stones in her face? Why does she think she’s fat? Why is one eye always half closed and the other rolling into the back of her head? Why does she have conversations with herself? Why does she only like her apartment to be lit with red light bulbs? GURL I’D CRY TOO IN GYMNASTICS CLASS IF MY WIG FELL OFF WHEN I TRIED TO DO A CARTWHEEL. It’s obvious I need to do a whole post dedicated to this girl.

Hey sir, which way to slutty hogwarts please?

Hey sir, which way to slutty hogwarts please?

Stop smoking it and go back to normal Amanda from She's The Man and What I Like About You!!! Shoulda never let Zano go.

Stop smoking it and go back to normal Amanda from She’s The Man and What I Like About You!!! Shoulda never let Zano go.

8) I love funky nail polish colors. You would not see me caught dead in ballet slippers, cotton candy, or any other color that should be called “boring” or “suzi says boring.” YOU ARE WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR NAILS. Achem, right now, I am wearing “Butler Please.”

These are not my actual nails. Just some strangers. VISUAL!

These are not my actual nails. Just some strangers. VISUAL!

9) I get my shine on. I am obsessed with sequins, glitter & rhinestones. I also had a minor stroke when playing marry, fuck, kill with these 3 things. It is also sick that I played that game based on sparkles. I should find a hobby. And now that you are all curious…Marry: Rhinestones, Fuck: Sequins, Kill: Glitter. If you don’t understand how you can marry, fuck, or kill these items, take a hike.

Glitter suicide, bitches!

Glitter suicide, bitches!

10) I live my life in organized chaos. When things are put in their appropriate places, I CAN NEVER FIND IT. So, I prefer a little mess. I do clean, but usually for the cleaning lady. One of life’s more perplexing anomalies.

No chance. But continue to dream big!

No chance. But continue to dream big!

11) While my beautiful long tresses are stunningly gorgeous, I cannot take the credit. Because it ain’t mine. I have extensions. They are a life changer. DO IT. Get them. Don’t eat for 3 weeks to pay for em…whatever you need to do. DO it. I also have serious hair envy. This could potentially be 2 separate things about me, but since I enjoy talking about myself, I wanted to save a number.

Fakey McFakerstein.

Fakey McFakerstein. (I’m talking about the hair, not my personality).

12) THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE.

IS HE FUCKING NUTS?!?!??!

IS HE FUCKING NUTS?!?!??!

Just end my life right then and there, please.

Just end my life right then and there, please.

13) I have a lot of best friends. Just got so many of dem bitches that I gotta bucket them. CATEGORIES people. My best friend from camp, home, college, bachelor, work, the city. SO, when I am constantly saying “she’s my best friend” – just ask from which bucket if you want to know the deets.

Barbie in a bucket. She's totes my best friend from childhood!!

Barbie in a bucket. She’s totes my best friend from childhood!!

15) Which brings me to the fact that I only hang out with pretty people. I want my friends to be good looking. Bottom line. Why would you want to hang out with uglies? You are who your friends are. They are a representation of YOU. It allllllllllllll comes back to yourself. If you hang out with ugly people, that SCREAMS you are insecure. So does changing your profile picture 287 times a day. And you know whats gross? Insecurity.

You're in!

You’re in! Minus the fact that your name is Helen.

16) I have a shopping problem, so join me why don’t you? Peruse my virtual closet here: https://www.stylitics.com/JaclynSwartz

17) I am a straight up weirdo. I recently received the below screen grab from my friend Kelly with a text reading “What is wrong with you.” A humbling moment, maybs. But you know what’s wrong with me? Nothing. When I find something I’m obsessed with, I over-like.  Get over it. Maybe one day it will be you.

I also just showed you how important teeth are. You're welcome.

I also just showed you how important teeth are. You’re welcome.

18) The sound of people clipping their nails does not bother me in the slightest when it is coming from a bathroom. Change up the bathroom scenery and the noise of someone clipping their nails (i.e. in their office) could make me have a heart attack. If you DO clip your nails outside of a bathroom, you are most likely a creeper and probably eat your boogers.

I think I just squashed all defense to the booger eating comment. I mean....

I think I just squashed all defense to the booger eating comment. I mean….

19) That reminds me….I HATE taking the subway. And please don’t push me into the tracks. I stand far behind the yellow line so this doesn’t happen to me. At least push the asshole who’s standing close to the ledge!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!

Beyonce in a cab? Damn right. That's where I belong too.

Beyonce in a cab? Damn right. That’s where I belong too.

20) I love cheese. CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE. “My favorite’s gouda!”- Viola as her twin bro Sebastian (Love ya Bynes, unblock me??)

CheeeEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeze. Didn't we lock you in a dumpster? YEAH. I GOT OUT.

CheeeEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeze. Didn’t we lock you in a dumpster?
YEAH. I GOT OUT.

21) I am the best tuner outter on the face of this earth. It’s mostly because I am too wrapped up in my own shit and I am also fairly disinterested in what you have to say. Unless I can somehow turn the conversation back on me, chances are I’ve tuned you out, like 5 minutes ago ya ding dong.

Oh, were you talking?

Oh, were you talking?

22) My favorite candy is Sour Patch Kids. Since the package says fat-free, they are also good for you and part of the essential food groups.

I'm hungry

I’m hungry

23) Speaking of candy, I don’t work out. SUCKERS! I tried to work out for like a month about 4 years ago — I got through 2 weeks of going to the gym and COULDN”T STAND washing my hair that much. So I stopped. I went to one Soul Cycle class about a year ago, and while I died and my vj was sore for weeks, I observed that most of the regulars were fat and therefore convinced myself that spin class makes you fat and I am better off with out it.

My birthday is August 5th. Just saying.

My birthday is August 5th. Just saying.

24) Aside from humor, a guy who brings their SOCK A-GAME is a huge turn on for me. I mean sock swagger is SO TELLING of a personality. It’s nice to see a guy who doesn’t stop caring at his waste…or ankles…

I'M YOURS!!!!!!!

I’M YOURS!!!!!!!

25) I was in AEPHI for 2 years. That is, until I was sent to standards for having alcohol in my room. That’s when it was pretttttttttttttttttty clear it was not for me. In addition, “many hearts, one purpose” sounds like a mormon polygamist suicide mission. A little weird right? Well in any case, fun while it lasted so I figured I’d give those chicks a shout out. WHY WASN’T REBECCA MARTINSON IN OUR HOUSE?! She shoulda been. Epic fail on Maryland’s AEPHI rush chair. LML, bitches!!!!

The good ole dayz.

The good ole dayz.

So, hopefully you all learned something new about me. Maybs 25 things? Wild guess. I could think of a ton more but I’ll save it for another day. I’m tired, and to be honest, sometimes blogging is fucking annoying. So quit your bitching and stop tweeting me complaints that I don’t post enough. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT AHOLES. Thanks!

XX
Jac

%d bloggers like this: