So another week of the bachelor is under our belts and we learned basically negative information about any of these girls thus far. We WERE able to fulfill some quotas though!
The drunk girl: TINA aka Victoria
The mother hen: Renee
The good girl: Andi
The funny girl: Kelly aka my soul sistah
The person who misses their kid and just doesn’t know if they will be able to last after day 3 of being away girl: Former NBA Dancer girl
The nudist model girl: Lucy (Court would be proud!)
The I am trying to be a news anchor but I suck so badly it hurts girl: Amy
Then a whole bunch of in between girls that we haven’t quite met. At least now we know that Molly belongs to Kelly, because up until that blooper scene I’m pretty sure all of America thought that dog was a stray.
1-on-1 Date With Clare:
Carl blindfolds Clare and takes her to a remote location to go sledding in snow like 5 year olds, and then straddle her in a hot tub, like 12 year olds. The whole first portion of the date consisted of fake giggles and shrieks which was a very organic segway into her talking about her deceased dad. This was obviously very sad, don’t get me wrong, but jumping from this topic to making out almost immediately after made me feel like I was stuck in a polar vortex of daddy issues. Carl says that he just “wants her to feel safe” as he choke holds her in the hot tub. I’m scared. End of date 1. (somewhere in between she gets a rose)
1-1 Date with Kat:
Private jets in week two and we have ourselves a season!!!!!! I like Kat a lot. So far she has given me no reason to believe she der for the wrong reasons. They land at the electric run where they will have to…errr…run, she acts cool about it which is all the reason to get a rose. A guy taking me on a first date to a 5k run is like….I’m the Nick Brody and Carl is the CIA. DON’T TAKE ME TO A RAVE WHERE I AM BEING FILMED…EVER. As they run up to the stage they get touched by a lot of freaks on Molly (not the dog) and then Kat seduces the sh*t out of Carl by showing him her best dance on tables sex moves. Carl grabs the mic and says “KAT! Weeeel you eccccept dees rose!?” and just like that, I realize I will be speaking like this from now until March.
Was it just me or was there legit NO talking on these dates? It confused me a little. I felt like there was a whole portion of Kat’s date that we didn’t see. It’s making it hard for me to blog about AND ITS PISSING ME OFF.
Group dates are the absolute best way to make a fool out of the girls and sees who handles it best. That was essentially the entire purpose of this “models and mutts” exercise. Group dates are effing embarrassing and everyone knows it. BUT WE ARE ON THE BACHELOR AND THE BACHELOR IS A GAME OF YES! I’m so easy going, look at me Carl! I will look soooo ugly and stupid for you in this idiotic costume so that you will definitely fall in love with me!
Lucy walks naked down the street walking dogs, which has absolutely nothing to do with this date at all, but they decided to show randomly show it. Why wasn’t she arrested? I am totally confused.
Kelly gets the worst costume of all – literally putting her long ass Rapunzel hair in a bald cap – looking like a conehead with shit smeared spots and a unitard. Not sure what this costume had anything to do with modeling, but I mean come, its MUTTS AND MODELS! YAY!
Lucy, Andi, and Carl go naked at one point. Though it’s pretty obvious that the only one who was naked there was Lucy. If Carl had is d*ck out I am pretty sure there would be like 10 more girls fighting to go naked.
Enough about the photo shoot. Enough about girls bitching about their costumes , let’s get to the good stuff.
VICTORIA MEET TINA. TINA MEET VICTORIA. So Tina is what I am going to call Victoria’s drunk alter ego. She probably watched on Monday night and met Tina for the first time so I felt the intro was necessary. Hope they liked eachother! Ya know, as I was watching I was dying but I effing loved it. It was like Acapulco spring break all over again but FOR ALL OF AMERICA TO WATCH AND SEE! The second hand embarrassment was off the chain, and I still think Tina is confused between “I’m a bitch” and “I’m a joke” – BUT – the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Tina is the shit and needs to come out with me this weekend and every weekend going forward. If only she made it to the final 2, she could have had a sit down with Carl’s parents for a serious conversation about her “Life is about straddling things” philosophy. Also, thanks a lot ABC for jipping me out of more footage of Tina. You can’t show Tina wishing death upon Carl in a commercial and then NOT SHOW IT ON THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN EPPY!
Fast forward to the next day, where Victoria reemerges at a hotel to speak with Carl. I think it was at this point that I realized I wanted Tina back foreva. It’s like I’m such a sucker for I want what I can’t have. Victoria was way more boring than Tina ever was and I immediately ate my words. She gave a half assed apology to Carl which made it sound like she didn’t give an eff at all and would be flying home to BOCA for more Tina being Tina that very night – let’s just hope she doesn’t bring that sh*t to the Boca Beach Club.
Carl sent her home because he is really looking for a stepmom for Cameeeeeeeeeeela. HOW AMAZING WOULD THIS SPIN OFF BE?!? – “TINA BABYSITS CAMEEEELA WHILE CARL BANGS HIS NEW FIANCE” I’d watch that shi*t on repeat just like I do with “I am Britney Jean.”
On a side note, I actually was impressed with Carl. Even though he can’t speak English – Ben would have been the BIGGEST dick about this embarrassing episode. So kudos, Carl. Just another way season 16 got the shaft.
Kelly gets the group rose – and it’s probs because she looked like a humany doody and acted totes cool about it. Reminded me of when Blakeley had to be the gingerbread man and got the group rose. The only difference was that Blakeley gave Ben the hymen maneuver (THANKS TINA!) in the hot tub, while we didn’t even see Kelly and Carl converse once.
NO TALKING IN CLAAAAAAAAAAASS.
Rose ceremony cocktail party starts and Renee tries to talk girl number 12 off of the ledge. Cassandra is a former dancer for the “NBA” and has a 2 year old son. Kinda awks she had her son like, a day ago. She ends up staying, thanks to Renee’s sanity, and it looks like she sluts it out next week. Can’t wait! Go Mom!
Amy, the rosette shirt offender, doesn’t get a date this week so literally has 3 minutes with Carl to impress him. What she does during this time COULD BE WORSE THAN THAT SHIRT! She says she’s a news anchor (ha) and she then whips out an in person “sizzle reel” which was full of gut wrenching awkwardness and negative sizzle. Puuuuuuuurty clear Amy won’t be with us for much longer at this point. Ron Burgundy could teach her a thing or 2.
Sharleen apologizes for being rude during her acceptance of the first impression rose and Carl is legitimately stunned. Apparently he is the only one in America who didn’t catch on to any sort of social cues from Sharleen. Love this girl. Loved her little peek a boo boobage too in that dress. Opera singer be naughtaaay.
Rose ceremony happens and after we stare at some panicky weird facial expressions, Amy and the other girl take a hike.
Not for nothing, Amy’s exit was pretty graceful. She surprised me there.
Not enough focus on this week’ fashion because the rose ceremony happened kind of fast. BUT LUCY WORE LIPSTICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TOP 5 in terms of Carl:
Hopefully there is more TALKING next week so I actually have something to say! UGHHHHHHH. Throw me a friggin bone here.