Chris Soules

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Breaking News: Bachelor’s presence cures the fake anxiety worldwide epidemic. Bach Recap Ep 6.

Published February 11, 2015 by jaclynswartz

We open up in Santa Fe, New Mexico, home of kes ah dillas and sombreros.

Chris is still bad at speeches, and Kelsey is still on the floor, where she has remained the last week. The cameras hone in on her heinous booties and decide to torture us more – not to mention her awkward positioning on the floor?! If you are going to fake collapse at least lie gracefully on the floor.

Me and Chris after I fake passed out from fake anxiety.

Me and Chris after I fake pass out from fake anxiety.

Everyone’s minds are boggled, because KELSEY IS SO FAKE, and they don’t understand that fake is the equivalent to not ever wanting to live in Iowa in the first place. So Chris eliminates them all…

Just kidding, he eliminates Samantha who never said one word, but I am totally relieved that i can finally stop being jealous of her dark long locks and bright blue eyes. BUT IM FUNNY!

Mackenzie thinks she will NEVER EVER get over the heartache of being eliminated but we all know that’s not true because you are 21 years old, don’t know left from right, and I am not even sure you know you are on The Bachelor….or that you named your son after spinach?

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What also confuses me on a consistent basis is how Kelsey is still around despite her uncool creepshow mom hair dos that are a hybrid of the following:

Debbie_Downer

Holler!

Holler!

Unless you are Mandy Moore on the set of “Candy” singing ooooooh ahhh ya ya ya ya ya over and over again, then you have no business wearing these, ever. Like even if I were to go in to a time machine closet to win over Mark Ruffalo in 13 going on 30, I would not be caught dead wearing butterfly clips.

Kelsey gets the rose and the girls are pissed she used her Widow Card to gain a sympathy rose. I meannnnnnn….I really don’t like Kelsey but let’s call a spade a spade here. I think the girls like Jueeueuelia, right? She did the exact same thing by using her Tragedy Card as her Who Wants To Be A Millionaire lifeline. (It’s impossible not to say that title in the Slumdog accent)

To be honest, I would totally use this strategy if i thought i was about to be eliminated. I mean if you think you are going to go home, chances are…YOU ARE! So naturally, I thought long and hard about what my story would be. I think when I was on it was that my parents were divorced, which like 99.9% of the population is anyway. I mean, what a loser I was! Literally got me negative sympathy.

I need a redo.

So this is my REAL story: When I was growing up, life was so hard. All of my friends’ parents bought them the entire Kate Spade handbag collection. I had to babysit EVERY.SINGLE.SATURDAY to save up to buy myself the rectangular single strap Kate Spade. DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT WAS? That was the cheapest bag in the collection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn’t my story….AMAZING? I am so eloquent.

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Anyway, we all travel with the circus to South Dakota. Chris says there is so much history here! The only history in South Dakota is it was the sh*ttiest leg of my Teen Tour (CRAP. This is not in line with my Tragedy Card please don’t tell Chris, please don’t tell him). I remember Mt. Rushmore being a letdown because even my beanies are too big for their rock carved heads. ‘MURICA!

ABC forces us to watch Chris do a Wild West Amusement Park type photo shoot and I think THE NERVE! But then I realize that I do this 365 days a year by forcing people to look at my selfies.

One on One with Becca:

They still haven’t kissed.

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Becca and Chris go horseback riding in SD, and Becca has never ridden a man I mean horse before. Chris thinks she looks like a pro, and like she has been doing it forever….which is clearly a premeditated foreshadow.

Sidenote: The only time I ride horses is to get out of 6 hour hikes that my friends are forcing me to participate in. Hey blame my friends for the animal labor, not me.

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Back at the house MY 3 FAVORITE GIRLS LEFT, Carly, Kaitlyn and Whitney confront the demonic plague, Kelsey, for being a flagrant liar. You can tell Whit is a little nervous, because Kelsey probably has a dull butter knife in her pocket to use as a murder weapon.

Kelsey claims she is “blessed with eloquence” which is funny as sh*t because everyone in the world knows that eloquence is obviously a LEARNED skill. But don’t worry folks, Kelsey know’s her ABC’s so she is self-proclaimed smart.

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Aside from Antoine Dodson speaking the truth, he is also a hair dresser. Hit him up, Kelsey.

Becca and Chris One on One night portion:

Chris laughs for like 98% of the date, which makes me laugh hysterically. His laugh is seriously such a crowd pleaser. I love it.

Chris says that his expectations were blown out of the water which is pretty confusing considering there wasn’t much of a conversation that happened on this date.

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The take away from this date: Becca gets a rose and I want to date Becca’s dentist.

GROUP DATE:

Jade, Britt, Whitney, Carly, Kaitlyn, and Megan have to live a nightmare and sing Country with Big and Rich. I had no idea who they were until I realized they sang “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy…” And lord knows, if you were in a Sorority, YOU KNOW THAT SONG – since it’s slogan was printed on 65 of your slut themed dress up party tee shirts.

Things we learned on this date:

Jade without make up looks like this:

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Me without makeup looks like this:

I woke up like this.

I woke up like this. Flawless.

Britt claims she cannot sing. But she is an actress acting like someone who cannot sing.

Whitney’s accent gets thicker when she sings, which defies my entire personal scientific experiment that proves accents disappear when people sing. Also, I made Whitney sing me her full song this week and it was actually really cute, I was impressed!! (with her lyrics that is…not her performance).

Kaitlyn can rap, like for real, and also says beaver a lot. I need to use that word more in my daily life. Beaver, so hot right now. (hehe).

Megan taps the mic like she’s Mariah Carey and it’s weird because….why?

Jade’s anxiety is endearing and kudos to her for not forgetting all words and then doing weird stuff on stage and omg….hot flashes over here…FML.

I am sorry for ruining Sister Christian for you forever.

Britt gets to go to a private concert with Chris and I’d be like omg – Parents are gone, Babysitter’s dead, let’s get wild and be our true selves!!!!!!!!!!! No?

The girls get pissed AF, and Britt get’s the rose so she can continue acting her way through to Episode 7.

Britt’s halloween costume:

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Chris, Ashley and Kelsey: 2 Crazies. 1 Bachelor

Kelsey said she knows EXACTLY where the Badlands are and EXACTLY what they are because she has buried like 48392048 bodies and all of her evidence there.

Ashley get’s her time first and she’s wearing her cheesiest dangley belly button ring, corn rows and blonde bobby pins. Their kissing continues to be painfully awkward but Ashley’s is CONFIDENT she’s getting the rose. Then Ashley, the girl who wouldn’t make it 32 seconds in Iowa, tells Chris that Kelsey is fake.

Kelsey is fake upset and then goes back to the bed that is set up in the middle of desert for the ULTIMATE AWKWARD STARE DOWN. I honestly would be sh*tting my pants if a girl with a closet full of cardigans was staring me down.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

Kelsey, with a GI Jane blazer and anal beads around her neck, continues to talk crap about Ashley’s inability to talk in big words. Not gonna lie, her dress up comment had me on the floor.

Ashley starts crying and runs back to Chris. She tries to explain herself as he rejects her and Chris is like….

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Ashley continues to cry, but we all know she was happy to go home because she clearly ran out of fresh eyelashes. Those things were more f*cked up than James Franco was when he consented to sex with Lindsay Lohan.

Chris then ALSO eliminates sociopath sally, and according to Chris, a date has never been so fun!

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All the craziness has removed the need for a rose ceremony this episode with Kelsey and Ashley both going home. Chris does us all a favor and leaves them to die in the desert.

RIP Kelsey. Or should I say RIP Jaclyn just in case Kelsey reads this blog?

Let me know what you all think, I cannot wait to hear your comments from this ep.

XX
Jac

Warm, Salty….Milk and Jimmy Kimmel takes OVER. This is #TheBachelor Ep 3. Recap

Published January 23, 2015 by jaclynswartz

Well it’s good to know that Chris is nice in the morning – because if I was the girl who won I would be watching that and getting really excited to bark orders at that man as soon as I woke up.

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So after Chris does not murder Jimmy for waking him up at probably 3am after 14 minutes of sleep, we pan over to Jimmy entering the house.

Chris is all, there is a new man in your life! And then some chick who is clearly over production starts to guess what it is…”a dog…an animal…a cat…” and Jimmy walks in and everyone squeals like the pigs that will eventually become their only friends when they move to Iowa.

Jimmy will be helping with the dates this week! Yay! The girls are then presented with something called the “amazing” jar, where every time the word is said, 1 dollar is donated to the jar. This is really funny in theory but then I realize that we just have to listen to the girls repeat a different word that they think is WAY more advanced; ‘Extravagant.’ Needless to say hardly any of these girls got over a 400 Verbal on their SATs, and that’s including the girls who were graded on a 2400 scale.

you-is-kind

Have you ever seen Jimmy Kimmel Lie Witness News? Because I would have loved to see Ashley S. absolutely slaughter this.

Also, let’s be honest. I would follow Jimmy around the house like a sad puppy dog and then cling on to his leg as hard as I did when I latched on to a tree my last day of camp. I just have always hated reality I guess.

Don't you leave me. Don't you DARE EFFING LEAVE ME JIMMAYYYYY!

Don’t you leave me. Don’t you DARE EFFING LEAVE ME JIMMAYYYYY!

Kaitlyn gets a 1:1 date with Chris and looks really cute in her crop top and maxi skirt…and, wait for it wait for it….A FLANNEL.

Me at the grocery store:

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Vs

Kaitlyn at the grocery store:

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CROP TOP CITY. I want to go to there.

But for real unlimited ORDERBS (I have a friend who spells it like that) is my idea of an ideal date, but we all know Iowa doesn’t have Costco. It’s going to be like a real life version of Win a Date With Tad Hamilton, with all of the Piggly Wigglys, minus Josh Duhamel, and plus 40 more annoying Topher Grace’s that have since aged and gained 400 pounds.

Jimmy comes over to Chris’ house after they’ve sprinkled pepper on some steaks and made some toast in the toaster. Kaitlyn calls Jimmy an asshole for sending them to Costco, but really she’s happy not to be on a helicopter where she repeats the word “wow” over and over while rubbing Chris’ inner thigh. We learn that Kaitlyn will definitely be having sex with Chris if she makes it to the Fantasy Suite which has secured her spot in the final 3.

Chris gives 16 horrible speeches asking Kaitlyn to accept the rose and she gladly accepts even though he’s not a legit farmer like the past cow milkers she has dated.

We then pan over to Jillian working out – making sure to cover up her peen with a black box. She seriously needs to lay off the roids. Her body is way bigger than her head and she looks like those weird dudes from beetlejuice who I still have nightmares about on the regs.

Hi Chris, i'm Jillian. Wanna make out? Didn't think so.

Hi Chris, I’m Jillian. Wanna make out? Didn’t think so.

Next is a group date where they girls have to do a farm relay race in a field. No chance I would have participated. Like just sit there and lift my pinky and then eliminate myself due to the fact that my shoes are not manure friendly. Come on ladies, no man that would ask you to participate in a relay with 6 different types of animal sh*t is someone who you want to marry.

Aside from like 17 cum jokes that were birthed from their interviews, the ladies’ (and man’s) outfits were all over the map.

We have Jillian who is the modern day version of Finkle is Einhorn, Einhorn is Finkle, doing a bad tuck job in her mini shorts requiring a black box to cover it up, once again. Don’t forget the Stay Classy MUSCLE TEE which she adorned with a metal statement necklace. I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep tonight without a heavy dose of ambien.

Kelsey wore a business blouse with leggings and running shoes.

Some others mixed up Prairie with Farmer and I think were a little confused because the only farm book they have ever read was Charlotte’s Web.

Nikki took the cake for best dressed on this date for me.

At the night portion of the date the girls each take Chris to different areas to kiss him so that no one has to talk.

Mackenzie, the resident idiot, is perplexed that Chris is kissing other girls quoting “why is he kissing the other girls?.” OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. Is this chick living inside a Wee Sing in Sillyville VHS? I mean some of the alumni of this show are pushing 50 – are you really that dumb that you don’t know how this show works? And beyond that point even more dumb that you went on a national TV show that you knew nothing about?

You are living in a land that needs to get its colors back!

You are living in a land that needs to get its colors back!

I usually try to keep my real sh*t talking for private text messages to my friends that include entire camera rolls of other peoples pathetic instagram photos, but I really couldn’t hold it in about Mackenzie. Yes she may be 12, and yes she may have been blacked out when she named her child, but if I lived in that house there is no way I could be within 100 feet of her.

Moving along, the girls all eat Chris’ face, with the exception of Becca who wants to take things in real world pace and wants to wait to smooch. Let’s just say you have to look like Becca in order for this strategy to work out, so WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Did anyone else notice that Jillian wants to bang Britt? Her hands are always on her like a psychotic boyfriend. Next thing you know she’s tattooing B R I T T across her muscular chest with a pen and fingering her on a rollercoaster to wild horses. We all know that’s followed by killing her best guy friend and cutting off her dogs head. Fun times ahead for you, Britt!

You're probs gonna need a restraining order.

You’re probs gonna need a restraining order.

Back at the house we see Whitney get her 1:1 date card and she cries tears of joy. It’s basically the way I cried when I went on dates with Ben but for completely different reasons.

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I’m not gonna lie, I cried when Whitney cried when she got the date. I proceeded to slap myself 72 times but I will say that Whitney is a good friend of mine and I could just see how effing happy she was and it literally melted my ice cold heart.

Whitney and Chris go and have some wine and my only take away was how hard he laughed at YOLO. There is only one word worse than YOLO, and its YOPO.

Whitney and Chris go to crash a wedding, and HOLY UPDO WHIT, nailed it! Looking gorg. They head straight to the head table where Chris proceeds to EFF UP THE ENTIRE PLAN, and Whitney is a stand up gal for not beating the shit out of him then and there. Chris and Whitney do some awkward dance moves and then Whitney almost murders half of the women there to grab the bouquet FOR HER STATS! Numbers gal. The only thing missing was Whitney giving Chris the good ol’ OTPHJ and some great imitations of the stage 5 clinger from Wedding Crashers.

It’s clear Whitney and Chris have a natural connection and he feels really comfortable around her. And like, while I’m trying not to be biased for blog purposes, GO WHITNEY GOOO!

So, the 3 with roses are Kaitlyn, Becca and Whitney.

Jimmy drops the horrible news that there will be NO COCKTAIL PARTY – which yields the same irrational reactions as his videos where parents tell their kids they ate all their Halloween candy. He then proceeds to talk to them like I do my cleaning lady and say “YOU     LIIIIIKE   POOOOOL?”

The girls get in their sluttiest bikinis/black boxes and put on their ugliest of ugly headpieces. We also learn where the girls grew up judging by who shows up to the party in bikinis and heels, and who doesn’t.

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I am not going to get into the details of Juelia’s poolside conversation, because suicide is absolutely never a joking matter, but I did feel extremely uncomfortable because I felt like I was getting a large dose of personal information that I am not sure I was prepared for. I know on this show you are pressed for time but I just think this was a serious case of #toosoon.

My heart and thoughts go out to Juelia, as I know what it is like to be blindsided by mental illness and suicide – something that we will never fully understand.

This still does not excuse that headband.

The rest of the girls turn into rabid dogs and try to dryhump Chris in all locations of the girls mansion and the bachelor house.

Aside from the headband and trash tat mafia, we have Jade in formal wedding wear white stilettos and a nude bra that some/I claim to be boobie. We paused the tv and took photos (KEWL, I KNOW! #thisis30), rewinded 6 times and came to an agree to disagree conclusion. Can we stop focusing on DEFLATEGATE and start focusing on BOOBGATE?

All the girls are liiiike….

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After Ashley I has a schizo episode, she proceeds to bite off Chris’ face once again — almost taking it to double homicide status by falling off a balcony with her rabid aggression. Looks like this girl never practiced making out with her hand in the 6th grade. Something that Kim Kardashian started doing in the womb, but with a banana.

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In the end some girls go home who will remain no names and we are left with some more girls who are inching towards the grand prize of a Hyena laugh for life.

Top 5 for Chris:

  • Whitney
  • Kaitlyn
  • Becca
  • Carly
  • Britt

Best dressed honorable mention because they haven’t shown her talking ONCE, but I spy those clothes and they should not go ignored…(the TRUE winner in my eyes)

Samantha

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Let me know what you guys think!

XO
Jac

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