Group Date

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Breaking News: Bachelor’s presence cures the fake anxiety worldwide epidemic. Bach Recap Ep 6.

Published February 11, 2015 by jaclynswartz

We open up in Santa Fe, New Mexico, home of kes ah dillas and sombreros.

Chris is still bad at speeches, and Kelsey is still on the floor, where she has remained the last week. The cameras hone in on her heinous booties and decide to torture us more – not to mention her awkward positioning on the floor?! If you are going to fake collapse at least lie gracefully on the floor.

Me and Chris after I fake passed out from fake anxiety.

Me and Chris after I fake pass out from fake anxiety.

Everyone’s minds are boggled, because KELSEY IS SO FAKE, and they don’t understand that fake is the equivalent to not ever wanting to live in Iowa in the first place. So Chris eliminates them all…

Just kidding, he eliminates Samantha who never said one word, but I am totally relieved that i can finally stop being jealous of her dark long locks and bright blue eyes. BUT IM FUNNY!

Mackenzie thinks she will NEVER EVER get over the heartache of being eliminated but we all know that’s not true because you are 21 years old, don’t know left from right, and I am not even sure you know you are on The Bachelor….or that you named your son after spinach?

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What also confuses me on a consistent basis is how Kelsey is still around despite her uncool creepshow mom hair dos that are a hybrid of the following:

Debbie_Downer

Holler!

Holler!

Unless you are Mandy Moore on the set of “Candy” singing ooooooh ahhh ya ya ya ya ya over and over again, then you have no business wearing these, ever. Like even if I were to go in to a time machine closet to win over Mark Ruffalo in 13 going on 30, I would not be caught dead wearing butterfly clips.

Kelsey gets the rose and the girls are pissed she used her Widow Card to gain a sympathy rose. I meannnnnnn….I really don’t like Kelsey but let’s call a spade a spade here. I think the girls like Jueeueuelia, right? She did the exact same thing by using her Tragedy Card as her Who Wants To Be A Millionaire lifeline. (It’s impossible not to say that title in the Slumdog accent)

To be honest, I would totally use this strategy if i thought i was about to be eliminated. I mean if you think you are going to go home, chances are…YOU ARE! So naturally, I thought long and hard about what my story would be. I think when I was on it was that my parents were divorced, which like 99.9% of the population is anyway. I mean, what a loser I was! Literally got me negative sympathy.

I need a redo.

So this is my REAL story: When I was growing up, life was so hard. All of my friends’ parents bought them the entire Kate Spade handbag collection. I had to babysit EVERY.SINGLE.SATURDAY to save up to buy myself the rectangular single strap Kate Spade. DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT WAS? That was the cheapest bag in the collection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn’t my story….AMAZING? I am so eloquent.

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Anyway, we all travel with the circus to South Dakota. Chris says there is so much history here! The only history in South Dakota is it was the sh*ttiest leg of my Teen Tour (CRAP. This is not in line with my Tragedy Card please don’t tell Chris, please don’t tell him). I remember Mt. Rushmore being a letdown because even my beanies are too big for their rock carved heads. ‘MURICA!

ABC forces us to watch Chris do a Wild West Amusement Park type photo shoot and I think THE NERVE! But then I realize that I do this 365 days a year by forcing people to look at my selfies.

One on One with Becca:

They still haven’t kissed.

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Becca and Chris go horseback riding in SD, and Becca has never ridden a man I mean horse before. Chris thinks she looks like a pro, and like she has been doing it forever….which is clearly a premeditated foreshadow.

Sidenote: The only time I ride horses is to get out of 6 hour hikes that my friends are forcing me to participate in. Hey blame my friends for the animal labor, not me.

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Back at the house MY 3 FAVORITE GIRLS LEFT, Carly, Kaitlyn and Whitney confront the demonic plague, Kelsey, for being a flagrant liar. You can tell Whit is a little nervous, because Kelsey probably has a dull butter knife in her pocket to use as a murder weapon.

Kelsey claims she is “blessed with eloquence” which is funny as sh*t because everyone in the world knows that eloquence is obviously a LEARNED skill. But don’t worry folks, Kelsey know’s her ABC’s so she is self-proclaimed smart.

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Aside from Antoine Dodson speaking the truth, he is also a hair dresser. Hit him up, Kelsey.

Becca and Chris One on One night portion:

Chris laughs for like 98% of the date, which makes me laugh hysterically. His laugh is seriously such a crowd pleaser. I love it.

Chris says that his expectations were blown out of the water which is pretty confusing considering there wasn’t much of a conversation that happened on this date.

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The take away from this date: Becca gets a rose and I want to date Becca’s dentist.

GROUP DATE:

Jade, Britt, Whitney, Carly, Kaitlyn, and Megan have to live a nightmare and sing Country with Big and Rich. I had no idea who they were until I realized they sang “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy…” And lord knows, if you were in a Sorority, YOU KNOW THAT SONG – since it’s slogan was printed on 65 of your slut themed dress up party tee shirts.

Things we learned on this date:

Jade without make up looks like this:

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Me without makeup looks like this:

I woke up like this.

I woke up like this. Flawless.

Britt claims she cannot sing. But she is an actress acting like someone who cannot sing.

Whitney’s accent gets thicker when she sings, which defies my entire personal scientific experiment that proves accents disappear when people sing. Also, I made Whitney sing me her full song this week and it was actually really cute, I was impressed!! (with her lyrics that is…not her performance).

Kaitlyn can rap, like for real, and also says beaver a lot. I need to use that word more in my daily life. Beaver, so hot right now. (hehe).

Megan taps the mic like she’s Mariah Carey and it’s weird because….why?

Jade’s anxiety is endearing and kudos to her for not forgetting all words and then doing weird stuff on stage and omg….hot flashes over here…FML.

I am sorry for ruining Sister Christian for you forever.

Britt gets to go to a private concert with Chris and I’d be like omg – Parents are gone, Babysitter’s dead, let’s get wild and be our true selves!!!!!!!!!!! No?

The girls get pissed AF, and Britt get’s the rose so she can continue acting her way through to Episode 7.

Britt’s halloween costume:

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Chris, Ashley and Kelsey: 2 Crazies. 1 Bachelor

Kelsey said she knows EXACTLY where the Badlands are and EXACTLY what they are because she has buried like 48392048 bodies and all of her evidence there.

Ashley get’s her time first and she’s wearing her cheesiest dangley belly button ring, corn rows and blonde bobby pins. Their kissing continues to be painfully awkward but Ashley’s is CONFIDENT she’s getting the rose. Then Ashley, the girl who wouldn’t make it 32 seconds in Iowa, tells Chris that Kelsey is fake.

Kelsey is fake upset and then goes back to the bed that is set up in the middle of desert for the ULTIMATE AWKWARD STARE DOWN. I honestly would be sh*tting my pants if a girl with a closet full of cardigans was staring me down.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

Kelsey, with a GI Jane blazer and anal beads around her neck, continues to talk crap about Ashley’s inability to talk in big words. Not gonna lie, her dress up comment had me on the floor.

Ashley starts crying and runs back to Chris. She tries to explain herself as he rejects her and Chris is like….

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Ashley continues to cry, but we all know she was happy to go home because she clearly ran out of fresh eyelashes. Those things were more f*cked up than James Franco was when he consented to sex with Lindsay Lohan.

Chris then ALSO eliminates sociopath sally, and according to Chris, a date has never been so fun!

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All the craziness has removed the need for a rose ceremony this episode with Kelsey and Ashley both going home. Chris does us all a favor and leaves them to die in the desert.

RIP Kelsey. Or should I say RIP Jaclyn just in case Kelsey reads this blog?

Let me know what you all think, I cannot wait to hear your comments from this ep.

XX
Jac

NO TALKING; except for Tina. Bach Recap Ep 2

Published January 14, 2014 by jaclynswartz

So another week of the bachelor is under our belts and we learned basically negative information about any of these girls thus far. We WERE able to fulfill some quotas though!

The drunk girl: TINA aka Victoria

The mother hen: Renee

The good girl: Andi

The funny girl: Kelly aka my soul sistah

The person who misses their kid and just doesn’t know if they will be able to last after day 3 of being away girl: Former NBA Dancer girl

The nudist model girl: Lucy (Court would be proud!)

The I am trying to be a news anchor but I suck so badly it hurts girl: Amy

Then a whole bunch of in between girls that we haven’t quite met. At least now we know that Molly belongs to Kelly, because up until that blooper scene I’m pretty sure all of America thought that dog was a stray.

1-on-1 Date With Clare:

Carl blindfolds Clare and takes her to a remote location to go sledding in snow like 5 year olds, and then straddle her in a hot tub, like 12 year olds. The whole first portion of the date consisted of fake giggles and shrieks which was a very organic segway into her talking about her deceased dad. This was obviously very sad, don’t get me wrong, but jumping from this topic to making out almost immediately after made me feel like I was stuck in a polar vortex of daddy issues. Carl says that he just “wants her to feel  safe” as he choke holds her in the hot tub. I’m scared. End of date 1. (somewhere in between she gets a rose)

1-1   Date with Kat:

Private jets in week two and we have ourselves a season!!!!!! I like Kat a lot. So far she has given me no reason to believe she der for the wrong reasons. They land at the electric run where they will have to…errr…run, she acts cool about it which is all the reason to get a rose. A guy taking me on a first date to a 5k run is like….I’m the Nick Brody and Carl is the CIA. DON’T TAKE ME TO A RAVE WHERE I AM BEING FILMED…EVER. As they run up to the stage they get touched by a lot of freaks on Molly (not the dog) and then Kat seduces the sh*t out of Carl by showing him her best dance on tables sex moves. Carl grabs the mic and says “KAT! Weeeel you eccccept dees rose!?” and just like that, I realize I will be speaking like this from now until March.

Was it just me or was there legit NO talking on these dates? It confused me a little. I felt like there was a whole portion of Kat’s date that we didn’t see. It’s making it hard for me to blog about AND ITS PISSING ME OFF.

Group Date:

Group dates are the absolute best way to make a fool out of the girls and sees who handles it best. That was essentially the entire purpose of this “models and mutts” exercise. Group dates are effing embarrassing and everyone knows it. BUT WE ARE ON THE BACHELOR AND THE BACHELOR IS A GAME OF YES! I’m so easy going, look at me Carl! I will look soooo ugly and stupid for you in this idiotic costume so that you will definitely fall in love with me!

Lucy walks naked down the street walking dogs, which has absolutely nothing to do with this date at all, but they decided to show randomly show it. Why wasn’t she arrested? I am totally confused.

Kelly gets the worst costume of all – literally putting her long ass Rapunzel hair in a bald cap  – looking like a conehead with shit smeared spots and a unitard. Not sure what this costume had anything to do with modeling, but I mean come, its MUTTS AND MODELS! YAY!

Lucy, Andi, and Carl go naked at one point. Though it’s pretty obvious that the only one who was naked there was Lucy. If Carl had is d*ck out I am pretty sure there would be like 10 more girls fighting to go naked.

Enough about the photo shoot. Enough about girls bitching about their costumes , let’s get to the good stuff.

VICTORIA MEET TINA. TINA MEET VICTORIA. So Tina is what I am going to call Victoria’s drunk alter ego. She probably watched on Monday night and met Tina for the first time so I felt the intro was necessary. Hope they liked eachother! Ya know, as I was watching I was dying but I effing loved it. It was like Acapulco spring break all over again but FOR ALL OF AMERICA TO WATCH AND SEE! The second hand embarrassment was off the chain, and I still think Tina is confused between “I’m a bitch” and “I’m a joke” – BUT – the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Tina is the shit and needs to come out with me this weekend and every weekend going forward. If only she made it to the final 2, she could have had a sit down with Carl’s parents for a serious conversation about her “Life is about straddling things” philosophy.  Also, thanks a lot ABC for jipping me out of more footage of Tina. You can’t show Tina wishing death upon Carl in a commercial and then NOT SHOW IT ON THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN EPPY!

Fast forward to the next day, where Victoria reemerges at a hotel to speak with Carl. I think it was at this point that I realized I wanted Tina back foreva. It’s like I’m such a sucker for I want what I can’t have. Victoria was way more boring than Tina ever was and I immediately ate my words. She gave a half assed apology to Carl which made it sound like she didn’t give an eff at all and would be flying home to BOCA for more Tina being Tina that very night – let’s just hope she doesn’t bring that sh*t to the Boca Beach Club.

Carl sent her home because he is really looking for a stepmom for Cameeeeeeeeeeela. HOW AMAZING WOULD THIS SPIN OFF BE?!? – “TINA BABYSITS CAMEEEELA WHILE CARL BANGS HIS NEW FIANCE” I’d watch that shi*t on repeat just like I do with “I am Britney Jean.”

On a side note, I actually was impressed with Carl. Even though he can’t speak English – Ben would have been the BIGGEST dick about this embarrassing episode. So kudos, Carl. Just another way season 16 got the shaft.

Kelly gets the group rose  – and it’s probs because she looked like a humany doody and acted totes cool about it. Reminded me of when Blakeley had to be the gingerbread man and got the group rose. The only difference was that Blakeley gave Ben the hymen maneuver (THANKS TINA!) in the hot tub, while we didn’t even see Kelly and Carl converse once.

NO TALKING IN CLAAAAAAAAAAASS.

Rose ceremony cocktail party starts and Renee tries to talk girl number 12 off of the ledge. Cassandra is a former dancer for the “NBA” and has a 2 year old son. Kinda awks she had her son like, a day ago. She ends up staying, thanks to Renee’s sanity, and it looks like she sluts it out next week. Can’t wait! Go Mom!

Amy, the rosette shirt offender, doesn’t get a date this week so literally has 3 minutes with Carl to impress him. What she does during this time COULD BE WORSE THAN THAT SHIRT! She says she’s a news anchor (ha) and she then whips out an in person “sizzle reel” which was full of gut wrenching awkwardness and negative sizzle. Puuuuuuuurty clear Amy won’t be with us for much longer at this point. Ron Burgundy could teach her a thing or 2.

Sharleen apologizes for being rude during her acceptance of the first impression rose and Carl is legitimately stunned. Apparently he is the only one in America who didn’t catch on to any sort of social cues from Sharleen. Love this girl. Loved her little peek a boo boobage too in that dress. Opera singer be naughtaaay.

Carl is generally confused.

Carl is generally confused.

Rose ceremony happens and after we stare at some panicky weird facial expressions, Amy and the other girl take a hike.

Not for nothing, Amy’s exit was pretty graceful. She surprised me there.

Not enough focus on this week’ fashion because the rose ceremony happened kind of fast. BUT LUCY WORE LIPSTICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOP 5 in terms of Carl:

1)      CLARE

2)      KAT

3)      ANDI

4)      NIKKI

5)      SHARLEEN

Hopefully there is more TALKING next week so I actually have something to say! UGHHHHHHH. Throw me a friggin bone here.

XX

yoyce

 

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