Juan Pablo

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NO TALKING; except for Tina. Bach Recap Ep 2

Published January 14, 2014 by jaclynswartz

So another week of the bachelor is under our belts and we learned basically negative information about any of these girls thus far. We WERE able to fulfill some quotas though!

The drunk girl: TINA aka Victoria

The mother hen: Renee

The good girl: Andi

The funny girl: Kelly aka my soul sistah

The person who misses their kid and just doesn’t know if they will be able to last after day 3 of being away girl: Former NBA Dancer girl

The nudist model girl: Lucy (Court would be proud!)

The I am trying to be a news anchor but I suck so badly it hurts girl: Amy

Then a whole bunch of in between girls that we haven’t quite met. At least now we know that Molly belongs to Kelly, because up until that blooper scene I’m pretty sure all of America thought that dog was a stray.

1-on-1 Date With Clare:

Carl blindfolds Clare and takes her to a remote location to go sledding in snow like 5 year olds, and then straddle her in a hot tub, like 12 year olds. The whole first portion of the date consisted of fake giggles and shrieks which was a very organic segway into her talking about her deceased dad. This was obviously very sad, don’t get me wrong, but jumping from this topic to making out almost immediately after made me feel like I was stuck in a polar vortex of daddy issues. Carl says that he just “wants her to feel  safe” as he choke holds her in the hot tub. I’m scared. End of date 1. (somewhere in between she gets a rose)

1-1   Date with Kat:

Private jets in week two and we have ourselves a season!!!!!! I like Kat a lot. So far she has given me no reason to believe she der for the wrong reasons. They land at the electric run where they will have to…errr…run, she acts cool about it which is all the reason to get a rose. A guy taking me on a first date to a 5k run is like….I’m the Nick Brody and Carl is the CIA. DON’T TAKE ME TO A RAVE WHERE I AM BEING FILMED…EVER. As they run up to the stage they get touched by a lot of freaks on Molly (not the dog) and then Kat seduces the sh*t out of Carl by showing him her best dance on tables sex moves. Carl grabs the mic and says “KAT! Weeeel you eccccept dees rose!?” and just like that, I realize I will be speaking like this from now until March.

Was it just me or was there legit NO talking on these dates? It confused me a little. I felt like there was a whole portion of Kat’s date that we didn’t see. It’s making it hard for me to blog about AND ITS PISSING ME OFF.

Group Date:

Group dates are the absolute best way to make a fool out of the girls and sees who handles it best. That was essentially the entire purpose of this “models and mutts” exercise. Group dates are effing embarrassing and everyone knows it. BUT WE ARE ON THE BACHELOR AND THE BACHELOR IS A GAME OF YES! I’m so easy going, look at me Carl! I will look soooo ugly and stupid for you in this idiotic costume so that you will definitely fall in love with me!

Lucy walks naked down the street walking dogs, which has absolutely nothing to do with this date at all, but they decided to show randomly show it. Why wasn’t she arrested? I am totally confused.

Kelly gets the worst costume of all – literally putting her long ass Rapunzel hair in a bald cap  – looking like a conehead with shit smeared spots and a unitard. Not sure what this costume had anything to do with modeling, but I mean come, its MUTTS AND MODELS! YAY!

Lucy, Andi, and Carl go naked at one point. Though it’s pretty obvious that the only one who was naked there was Lucy. If Carl had is d*ck out I am pretty sure there would be like 10 more girls fighting to go naked.

Enough about the photo shoot. Enough about girls bitching about their costumes , let’s get to the good stuff.

VICTORIA MEET TINA. TINA MEET VICTORIA. So Tina is what I am going to call Victoria’s drunk alter ego. She probably watched on Monday night and met Tina for the first time so I felt the intro was necessary. Hope they liked eachother! Ya know, as I was watching I was dying but I effing loved it. It was like Acapulco spring break all over again but FOR ALL OF AMERICA TO WATCH AND SEE! The second hand embarrassment was off the chain, and I still think Tina is confused between “I’m a bitch” and “I’m a joke” – BUT – the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Tina is the shit and needs to come out with me this weekend and every weekend going forward. If only she made it to the final 2, she could have had a sit down with Carl’s parents for a serious conversation about her “Life is about straddling things” philosophy.  Also, thanks a lot ABC for jipping me out of more footage of Tina. You can’t show Tina wishing death upon Carl in a commercial and then NOT SHOW IT ON THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN EPPY!

Fast forward to the next day, where Victoria reemerges at a hotel to speak with Carl. I think it was at this point that I realized I wanted Tina back foreva. It’s like I’m such a sucker for I want what I can’t have. Victoria was way more boring than Tina ever was and I immediately ate my words. She gave a half assed apology to Carl which made it sound like she didn’t give an eff at all and would be flying home to BOCA for more Tina being Tina that very night – let’s just hope she doesn’t bring that sh*t to the Boca Beach Club.

Carl sent her home because he is really looking for a stepmom for Cameeeeeeeeeeela. HOW AMAZING WOULD THIS SPIN OFF BE?!? – “TINA BABYSITS CAMEEEELA WHILE CARL BANGS HIS NEW FIANCE” I’d watch that shi*t on repeat just like I do with “I am Britney Jean.”

On a side note, I actually was impressed with Carl. Even though he can’t speak English – Ben would have been the BIGGEST dick about this embarrassing episode. So kudos, Carl. Just another way season 16 got the shaft.

Kelly gets the group rose  – and it’s probs because she looked like a humany doody and acted totes cool about it. Reminded me of when Blakeley had to be the gingerbread man and got the group rose. The only difference was that Blakeley gave Ben the hymen maneuver (THANKS TINA!) in the hot tub, while we didn’t even see Kelly and Carl converse once.

NO TALKING IN CLAAAAAAAAAAASS.

Rose ceremony cocktail party starts and Renee tries to talk girl number 12 off of the ledge. Cassandra is a former dancer for the “NBA” and has a 2 year old son. Kinda awks she had her son like, a day ago. She ends up staying, thanks to Renee’s sanity, and it looks like she sluts it out next week. Can’t wait! Go Mom!

Amy, the rosette shirt offender, doesn’t get a date this week so literally has 3 minutes with Carl to impress him. What she does during this time COULD BE WORSE THAN THAT SHIRT! She says she’s a news anchor (ha) and she then whips out an in person “sizzle reel” which was full of gut wrenching awkwardness and negative sizzle. Puuuuuuuurty clear Amy won’t be with us for much longer at this point. Ron Burgundy could teach her a thing or 2.

Sharleen apologizes for being rude during her acceptance of the first impression rose and Carl is legitimately stunned. Apparently he is the only one in America who didn’t catch on to any sort of social cues from Sharleen. Love this girl. Loved her little peek a boo boobage too in that dress. Opera singer be naughtaaay.

Carl is generally confused.

Carl is generally confused.

Rose ceremony happens and after we stare at some panicky weird facial expressions, Amy and the other girl take a hike.

Not for nothing, Amy’s exit was pretty graceful. She surprised me there.

Not enough focus on this week’ fashion because the rose ceremony happened kind of fast. BUT LUCY WORE LIPSTICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOP 5 in terms of Carl:

1)      CLARE

2)      KAT

3)      ANDI

4)      NIKKI

5)      SHARLEEN

Hopefully there is more TALKING next week so I actually have something to say! UGHHHHHHH. Throw me a friggin bone here.

XX

yoyce

 

TINA EAT YOUR HAM. Bach Recap Ep 1 – Juan Carl

Published January 7, 2014 by jaclynswartz

Remember that freak Casey who was on Laguna Beach for a season? Her sole purpose on the show was to ask her maid to make her a “kess-ahhhh-dill-ah” after school and talk horrible Spanglish to her in an annoying voice. She showed off her gaudy house, fake tan, fake teeth, bleached hair and cheese bedazzled fashion. WELL, that’s basically the job of 40% of these girls.

And I feel like we have a lot more horrible Spanish coming.

Casey Reinhardt forevs!

So let’s start with Juan Carlos (Thanks Lena Dunham). This summer, when they announced that Juan would be THE ONE (notice I did not use a pun there? I’ll get to that) I wrote a blog about why he would be amazing (read it here: http://blondhairdontcare.com/2013/08/06/juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan/) Well, since following him on social media I seriously need to reevaluate that list I wrote, and my life for that matter! Like, who IS that girl (Elyse) that wrote that blog? Jaclyn 6 months ago is not Jaclyn of 2014. WATCH OUT, bitchier than ever.

1)      THE JUAN PUNS ARE OVERKILL. IF YOU ARE STILL PUNNING OUT, we would never be friends. Stop trying too hard. You’re so 2000 and late.

2)      The random caps lock isn’t funny anymore, it’s just annoying.

3)      It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t speak English. GREAT bach material!

4)      He is still a smokeshow but the communication barrier is a ser prob for me.

When I get jealous of Gisele sometimes I have to say, ‘Well, her English isn’t that great..soooo’ and it makes me feel better. Effed up. I know. And that’s what I have to say to myself about Juan Carlos when I compare a side by side of him and Ben Flananananah.

So moving along, Juan Carlos has a daughter, who is like Ricky 2.0. He bought her at the Bachelor store as a test to see what sluts were so desperate to go on TV that they’d be ok to be a mommy at 23. (Oh you can put me in that desperate slut category because I’d be there with bells on for round 2 – which is even more desperate! technically round 3 if you count bachelor pad. OMG what am I doing right now I am COOL I PROMISE.) In other news, I just shoveled a hole 6 feet deep and I’m rolling around in it and giggling.

Anyway, enough about Carl because I hate the cheesey bachelor stuff. Unless you are Sean Lowe doing a half naked montage in the mansion shower I’m so not interested. Add the fact that he can’t speak English….aaaaaaand I’m getting up to refill my wine and eat more cheese. I love cheese. Also, just a note, liiiiiiiiike Sean and Carl definitely aren’t friends – but I’m sure Carl will be at his wedding (with no date obviously! Because the girl who he’s definitely already broken up with has to remain a secret!) Carl just wants to be famous and eff a lot of models – that’s what he does, that’s what he was put on this planet for. And that’s why Lucinda (lucy?) was put on this show…..so he could get closer to Kate Upton (google it)

So as I watched with my A-team bitch bach crew last night, I missed most of the episode because the sh*t we were saying about the show/other bach alumni was quite the distraction. At one point Spivey caught me in a booger/drool moment and then, get this………..funniest story ever………I went to rehab!!!! Just kidding but not really because 2 nights of Bachelor in a row have me with a consecutive hangover headache sitch. Casual black outs on red wine has never been so fun. Hi mom!

This was a fairly calm night 1 (I think? Again, didn’t pay attention to many details) – so let me just get right to it and go through the girls who stood out to me.

Andi – she is gorg. Great style so that’s obviously an added bonus. Her hometown package reciting rehearsed lines in a courtroom gave me second hand embarrassment but other than that you could tell Pabby was pleased. I mean, she stepped out of the limo and the music changed. Nothing says you go girl like getting a music change on the bachelor. She’s obviously going to go far – ABC wasn’t too discrete about that one. If Carl doesn’t pick her, she will be the next bachelorette. GUILT AS CHARGED!

Also – Erica Rose does ‘lawyer’ (if she really is one – still TBD) way funnier.

Speaking of Erica, was I seeing things or were there like at least 14 tiaras last night? Speaking of tiaras, I used to really like the word sparkle. If one of these psychos ruins the word glitter for me I’M GONNA LOSE IT.

Also – WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even know where to begin.

I don’t even know where to begin.

I didn’t look at the girls online bios because that picture of mine scarred me for life so I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. BUT WHAT WAS THIS GIRL THINKING WHEN SHE PUT THIS ON?! Better yet, why does she own it? It’s disgusting. Like did Stevie Wonder make this shirt? Did this girl make it past night one? I really hope she did so that I can see what other heinous articles of clothing she wears. I wonder if she put this on and was like “I think this shirt is so great and perfect to live on google for the rest of my life!” I want to have a sit down talk with her and pick her brain about it. I wouldn’t even let Tierra wear this shirt to her fake engagement party to her fake fiancé.

Nikki – Nikki is my FAVE right now – Wanna know why? Because her hometown package showed her being this cute sweet pediatric nurse in scrubs. Fast forward to the mansion and shes wearing a sexy backless dress (which I liked bt dubs) AND I SPOTTED A SLUTTY SIDE TAT. Then she proceeds to let Carl feel her up with a stethoscope/hand and there you have it – undercover psychopath who is hot. Sign me up. Love you Nikki!

Sharleen – I was told I would like Sharleen by a close friend who knows me (and her) pretty well. At first I was like ummm why would someone think me and an opera singer in a bun would get along? No. Then I watched her for  5 more minutes LOVE her attitude and LOVE Sharleen. Carl’s like, will you accept this rose, and she’s like “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sure” – I dig her honesty and she’s a winner. Her convo with Carl “felt forced” because English is his second language and he probably has a hooked on phonics teacher speaking into an earpiece for him.

Clare – Her pregnancy joke would have been funnier if it was real. But then we would have to take the “Most Sexually Awkward” award away from Jamie Otis and that aint right. Clare is cute, she’ll go far.

I get uncomf just THINKING about it

I get uncomf just THINKING about it

Renee – the most normal single mom we’ve seen (other than Emily Maynard) – and she’s a Pats/Red Sox fan so…SOLD.

Lucy – clearly this girl has had a ton of amazing acid trips. She also forgot her shoes and her makeup. Doesn’t give a fuuuuu*k about anything at all. Except fashion (loved her dress and floral headband – Casey Shteamer is probably having a heart attack over it). Oh and dating cajillionaires. I bet her snapchat didn’t get hacked, bitch! I hope she sticks around because she’s insane.

People I couldn’t stand:

AMY EFFING J – she actually made me physically nauseus. From the airplane feeding bit and talking in baby voices to the bangs and everything in between – I was screaming with discomfort. Whoever put her on this show should be stoned.

There was also a girl who looking like she slipped in a tub of black ink that I couldn’t be bothered by.

OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM THE NIGHT:

A lot of the girls don’t have good names. It was weirding me out – especially after my 4th glass of wine. I think one’s name is Tina. If not, I made that up. I don’t care though, I’m calling someone Tina – just haven’t decided who yet.

Why do the girls still wear gowns? With cutouts? And jewels? I just don’t get it. It’s like they live in a dark hole and then emerge from this hole and go straight to the limo with only the ugliest dress they can find. I also hate pageant girls because it’s very easy to. This probably has something to do with it.

Ginge misheard Carl say her name and accidentally walked up to get a rose that wasn’t hers. Ginge going home night 1 was as shocking as Ricky Martin coming out of the closet.

When Kelly turns to the side she disappears. But I am looking forward to seeing more of her (when she is face forward obvs)

Nikki said Carl was “so easy to talk to” – she can join the liar pool with Christy who said she “loved that he had a daughter”

I want to see more of Christy and Kelly – because I know their names.

Lauren cried a lot and it’s either one of 2 things: too much booze or too much booze.

Surprised he got rid of the Tampa Cheerleader. She was cute – it confuses me.

Like, HELLO?! I think she also speaks spanish for realz.

Like, HELLO?! I think she also speaks spanish for realz.

Green dress girl went home and should have stayed because of the dress alone. Proves that dressing for girls gets you nowhere in life slash the bachelor. (damnit)

FAVE DRESSES IN ORDER OF RANK:

1)      Green Emerald Dress (Christine)

2)      Red Herve Leger (Kat) – though if it were me I would have worn the same dress in the short version

3)      ALC flowy dress (Lucyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)

4)      Long blue Halston Heritage (Andi)

5)      Long Red Nicole Miller dress (Kelly) – I wore this dress in black (in short version obvs) to a wedding, makes the bubs look great

I can’t wait until the girls start fighting.

I love the girl in the preview who is crying in the bathroom, wishes Carl would die…and then in the most heroic fashion EVER Carl finds a word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “……Please”

Hope the girls get tetanus shot before going in that pool! Tehehe anus.

XX

Jac aka yoyce

PS I didn’t proofread this because I am lazy so don’t bother pointing out typos because I don’t care and it’s a waste of both your time and mine. AMEN.

JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN

Published August 6, 2013 by jaclynswartz

So the new Bachelor was announced last night during the After The Final Rose Special. Ladies and Gents — IT’S JUAN PABLO!!!!!!!!!

Man scarf. Man friggin sexy.

Man scarf. Man friggin sexy.

In both the audience at the taping and at our Herbal Essences viewing party, people’s heads were literally popping off with excitement. I’m talking the chicks AND the dudes. Um ya, equally excited – which obviously got my mind racing. There have been some fiiiiiiiiine looking Bachelors (and some not so fine ones….hint hint) but, let’s focus our attention on the positive, SHALL WE?

Hot enough to make you strip.

Hot enough to make you strip.

Juan Pablo is THE cholula of Bachelors, if you will. Hot, spicy, spanish speaking, will make you sweat….etc. I EFFING LOVE HOT SAUCE. It makes the world go round. However, not everyone likes hot sauce…so mayyyyybe Juan Pablo is not your fave? Either way – IT’S POLL TIME.

This was a tough one for me. Though I love Sean and think he’s a cool dude, my vote isn’t going to him. Though Juan Pablo screams SEX, my vote isn’t going to him (plus we have yet to watch his season). Brad Womack is hot, but I am team Emily. So, I really gotta stick with the OG hottie. MY VOTE GOES TO ANDREW FIRESTONE. MMM MMM GOOD.

I don’t want to have my vote influence your decision, however. So please think long and hard (tehehe, maturity) about your final answer. This poll is EVERYTHING.

Wait did I mention Juan Pablo yet in this post? Not enough? OK GOOD. Because here is the running list of why I effing love Juan Pablo as the new Bachelor.

1) The puns. Puns gotta be number Juan on this list.

2) He’s a soccer player. It’s like, he could knock me up, and the whole saying “he’s gonna be a socca playa!” IS ACTUALLY REAL AND MAKES SENSE.

3) His 5 O’clock shadow.

4) His accent. Even though we won’t understand half the shit he says, it sounds good comin out.

5) This is not a reason I love him, but more so a suggestion. Girls going through finals, who will know if they made the show any day now, SHOULD BE BUYING ROSETTA STONE. All of you. Every. single. one. of. you. Also, be thankful you found out who your Bachelor is going to be over a month prior to leaving for the show. NOT JEALOUS AT ALL.

6) He has a daughter. This is not for me, but will make for some great tweets.

7) He seems pretty confused on the regs. That’s funny.

8) His twitter account is possibly the best thing since sliced bread. With the “jajajajajajajaja’s” and the “jejejejejeje’s,” the random capitalization of words (because he clearly doesn’t understand this concept), and tweets like “Two L.A POLICE officers just came in to my room in the HOTEL to investigate a murder case. I almost CRAP my pants… #firsttime.” I don’t have the heart to tell him that it should be ‘crapped.’

9) Spanish betches love the dramz.

10) Fantasy suite shmantasy suite. We all know he’s doing the girls night 1. That guy Des nixed should come back and retry that Fantasy Suite shtick. Juan Pablo might buy it.

11) Juan minor complaint, he’s GOT to get rid of that trademark “TM” on his twitter handle. It’s so douchey. In addtion, the amount of dudes from Des’s season who have “THEREAL…” in their instagram or twitter handles is seriously alarming. EW.

12) Since he’s an athlete, that means his dates will be sporty and extreme. HAHAHA. These girls are in for some miz times ahead, and we are in for some great laughs at their expense.

13) Does this mean there is a chance he has single soccer player friends? Can they be featured in an eppy? (Elan…)

14) It will be interesting to see, once again, what ABC defines as “Stepmom” material.

15) I want speedos. Lots and lots of man speedos. (Elan, are you taking notes?)

16) Juan and I share a birthday. We are sooo the samesies and automatically compatible (in my head).

17) No but seriously you guys, his random capitalization of words on his tweets is the funniest effing thing ever. Like, what is going on in that mans head? I’m trying to understand his capitalizing system, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. Take a look, and try to dissect it yourself — GUARANTEE you’ll be stumped.

18) We won’t have to listen to any shitty original songs being sung by a man. This was my only concern for Zak. Well that, and too many diaries.

19) Not sure what he carries in it, but it seems as though Juan sports a messenger bag everywhere he goes. This is now cool.

20) And finally……THIS.

Who wears short shorts? JUAN PABLO wears short shorts!

Who wears short shorts? JUAN PABLO wears short shorts!

Can’t wait to see what unfolds next season. I juander if the season will end in a proposal?! (Thanks for that one, Michael Garofola).

Just letting you all know, us season 16 girls are PISSED.

XO

Jaclyn

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