Lindsay Lohan

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Breaking News: Bachelor’s presence cures the fake anxiety worldwide epidemic. Bach Recap Ep 6.

Published February 11, 2015 by jaclynswartz

We open up in Santa Fe, New Mexico, home of kes ah dillas and sombreros.

Chris is still bad at speeches, and Kelsey is still on the floor, where she has remained the last week. The cameras hone in on her heinous booties and decide to torture us more – not to mention her awkward positioning on the floor?! If you are going to fake collapse at least lie gracefully on the floor.

Me and Chris after I fake passed out from fake anxiety.

Me and Chris after I fake pass out from fake anxiety.

Everyone’s minds are boggled, because KELSEY IS SO FAKE, and they don’t understand that fake is the equivalent to not ever wanting to live in Iowa in the first place. So Chris eliminates them all…

Just kidding, he eliminates Samantha who never said one word, but I am totally relieved that i can finally stop being jealous of her dark long locks and bright blue eyes. BUT IM FUNNY!

Mackenzie thinks she will NEVER EVER get over the heartache of being eliminated but we all know that’s not true because you are 21 years old, don’t know left from right, and I am not even sure you know you are on The Bachelor….or that you named your son after spinach?


What also confuses me on a consistent basis is how Kelsey is still around despite her uncool creepshow mom hair dos that are a hybrid of the following:




Unless you are Mandy Moore on the set of “Candy” singing ooooooh ahhh ya ya ya ya ya over and over again, then you have no business wearing these, ever. Like even if I were to go in to a time machine closet to win over Mark Ruffalo in 13 going on 30, I would not be caught dead wearing butterfly clips.

Kelsey gets the rose and the girls are pissed she used her Widow Card to gain a sympathy rose. I meannnnnnn….I really don’t like Kelsey but let’s call a spade a spade here. I think the girls like Jueeueuelia, right? She did the exact same thing by using her Tragedy Card as her Who Wants To Be A Millionaire lifeline. (It’s impossible not to say that title in the Slumdog accent)

To be honest, I would totally use this strategy if i thought i was about to be eliminated. I mean if you think you are going to go home, chances are…YOU ARE! So naturally, I thought long and hard about what my story would be. I think when I was on it was that my parents were divorced, which like 99.9% of the population is anyway. I mean, what a loser I was! Literally got me negative sympathy.

I need a redo.

So this is my REAL story: When I was growing up, life was so hard. All of my friends’ parents bought them the entire Kate Spade handbag collection. I had to babysit EVERY.SINGLE.SATURDAY to save up to buy myself the rectangular single strap Kate Spade. DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT WAS? That was the cheapest bag in the collection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn’t my story….AMAZING? I am so eloquent.

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Anyway, we all travel with the circus to South Dakota. Chris says there is so much history here! The only history in South Dakota is it was the sh*ttiest leg of my Teen Tour (CRAP. This is not in line with my Tragedy Card please don’t tell Chris, please don’t tell him). I remember Mt. Rushmore being a letdown because even my beanies are too big for their rock carved heads. ‘MURICA!

ABC forces us to watch Chris do a Wild West Amusement Park type photo shoot and I think THE NERVE! But then I realize that I do this 365 days a year by forcing people to look at my selfies.

One on One with Becca:

They still haven’t kissed.


Becca and Chris go horseback riding in SD, and Becca has never ridden a man I mean horse before. Chris thinks she looks like a pro, and like she has been doing it forever….which is clearly a premeditated foreshadow.

Sidenote: The only time I ride horses is to get out of 6 hour hikes that my friends are forcing me to participate in. Hey blame my friends for the animal labor, not me.


Back at the house MY 3 FAVORITE GIRLS LEFT, Carly, Kaitlyn and Whitney confront the demonic plague, Kelsey, for being a flagrant liar. You can tell Whit is a little nervous, because Kelsey probably has a dull butter knife in her pocket to use as a murder weapon.

Kelsey claims she is “blessed with eloquence” which is funny as sh*t because everyone in the world knows that eloquence is obviously a LEARNED skill. But don’t worry folks, Kelsey know’s her ABC’s so she is self-proclaimed smart.


Aside from Antoine Dodson speaking the truth, he is also a hair dresser. Hit him up, Kelsey.

Becca and Chris One on One night portion:

Chris laughs for like 98% of the date, which makes me laugh hysterically. His laugh is seriously such a crowd pleaser. I love it.

Chris says that his expectations were blown out of the water which is pretty confusing considering there wasn’t much of a conversation that happened on this date.


The take away from this date: Becca gets a rose and I want to date Becca’s dentist.


Jade, Britt, Whitney, Carly, Kaitlyn, and Megan have to live a nightmare and sing Country with Big and Rich. I had no idea who they were until I realized they sang “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy…” And lord knows, if you were in a Sorority, YOU KNOW THAT SONG – since it’s slogan was printed on 65 of your slut themed dress up party tee shirts.

Things we learned on this date:

Jade without make up looks like this:


Me without makeup looks like this:

I woke up like this.

I woke up like this. Flawless.

Britt claims she cannot sing. But she is an actress acting like someone who cannot sing.

Whitney’s accent gets thicker when she sings, which defies my entire personal scientific experiment that proves accents disappear when people sing. Also, I made Whitney sing me her full song this week and it was actually really cute, I was impressed!! (with her lyrics that is…not her performance).

Kaitlyn can rap, like for real, and also says beaver a lot. I need to use that word more in my daily life. Beaver, so hot right now. (hehe).

Megan taps the mic like she’s Mariah Carey and it’s weird because….why?

Jade’s anxiety is endearing and kudos to her for not forgetting all words and then doing weird stuff on stage and omg….hot flashes over here…FML.

I am sorry for ruining Sister Christian for you forever.

Britt gets to go to a private concert with Chris and I’d be like omg – Parents are gone, Babysitter’s dead, let’s get wild and be our true selves!!!!!!!!!!! No?

The girls get pissed AF, and Britt get’s the rose so she can continue acting her way through to Episode 7.

Britt’s halloween costume:


Chris, Ashley and Kelsey: 2 Crazies. 1 Bachelor

Kelsey said she knows EXACTLY where the Badlands are and EXACTLY what they are because she has buried like 48392048 bodies and all of her evidence there.

Ashley get’s her time first and she’s wearing her cheesiest dangley belly button ring, corn rows and blonde bobby pins. Their kissing continues to be painfully awkward but Ashley’s is CONFIDENT she’s getting the rose. Then Ashley, the girl who wouldn’t make it 32 seconds in Iowa, tells Chris that Kelsey is fake.

Kelsey is fake upset and then goes back to the bed that is set up in the middle of desert for the ULTIMATE AWKWARD STARE DOWN. I honestly would be sh*tting my pants if a girl with a closet full of cardigans was staring me down.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

Kelsey, with a GI Jane blazer and anal beads around her neck, continues to talk crap about Ashley’s inability to talk in big words. Not gonna lie, her dress up comment had me on the floor.

Ashley starts crying and runs back to Chris. She tries to explain herself as he rejects her and Chris is like….


Ashley continues to cry, but we all know she was happy to go home because she clearly ran out of fresh eyelashes. Those things were more f*cked up than James Franco was when he consented to sex with Lindsay Lohan.

Chris then ALSO eliminates sociopath sally, and according to Chris, a date has never been so fun!


All the craziness has removed the need for a rose ceremony this episode with Kelsey and Ashley both going home. Chris does us all a favor and leaves them to die in the desert.

RIP Kelsey. Or should I say RIP Jaclyn just in case Kelsey reads this blog?

Let me know what you all think, I cannot wait to hear your comments from this ep.


I Spy: Lohan Edition

Published February 25, 2013 by jaclynswartz


“Linnnnnnnnnnndsay Lohan is a firecrotch” – Brandon Davis

I was thinking about what I should write as my next post, and naturally, I came up with Lindsay Lohan. If you aren’t obsessed with her in every way shape or form, then get outta town. This may be my first LiLo post, but I assure you, it will not be my last. Just too much quality material.
I use the word “obsessed” in the most ambiguous way possible. This does NOT necessarily mean you are obsessed with her in a positive way. I mean, you could be, and that’s totally cool…but this is how I feel.
Lindsay Lohan: Obsessed in a negative way. I can’t wait to see what fucking insanely psychotic move she’s going to pull next. This could range anywhere from stealing peoples fur coats, punching people in clubs, botched plastic surgery, casually dropping that her dad beat her mom which is so effing uncomfortable, made for tv (now internet?!) movies, fucking Charlie Sheen for money, or getting kicked out of the Chateau Marmont.
Amanda Bynes: Obsessed in a positive way. How can you NOT love Amanda Bynes? She’s the Man is by far the best movie ever. So many great lines. She was in her prime. She friggin played a girl….AND a boy! Take that Lohan. What I Like About You was a stellar show that casted Nick Zano, Dan Cortese & Simon Rex. YES. Her issues are actually sad and you can tell that she is seriously off her rocker. I mean only red lightbulbs in your apt? You’re fucked up. Every time she does something so effing bizarre I do not jump for joy (See: Lindsay Lohan), rather, my heart goes out to her and I PRAY she makes a comeback. I’m pulling for you Bynes!! Also, one time I sat next to her while trying on Louboutin’s in Barney’s, so we are basically biffs.
As for the people who STILL talk about Parent Trap Lindsay, it’s time to let go of the past. It’s also time to let go of your blankies and childhood stuffed animals.
That Lindsay is so long gone, and unfortunately we are never getting her back.
There are some things that Lindsay has done RIGHT in the past few years. Most of these include fashion choices, which she probably got for free and then ruined.
People were asking where I got my dress that I am wearing in the pic on this site. Well I can thank Lindsay Lohan for showing it to me! I saw her in it, and needed to have it. It’s also on sale – link below. You’re welcome bitches.

So, now that we are on a positive note with Lindz, let’s choose which Lindsay was best ever. I realized the best way to categorize her life is through her relationships. Sam Ronson Lindsay, Paris/Nicole Richie Lindsay, Aaron Carter Lindsay. Wilmer Lindsay…and so on…girl’s a slut.

It came down to these two phases:

1) Wilmer & Lindsay

wilmer_valderrama_lindsay_lohansdfdgd llohan3


2) Harry & Lindsay

Lindsay+Lohan+and+Harry+Morton london-harry-lindsay

Wilmer Lindsay seemed so happy and had just started to get into the party scene. So, she was a normal weight, not as corrupted, and her hair was a more natural color that she seemingly will never get back.

Harry Lindsay was a little more corrupted, but had gone through a minor weight loss where she looked bangin. I also was into this color of brown hair. Btw, still confused by who Harry Morton actually is. I know he was rich and opened a Taco place called “Pink Taco” which is perversely ingenius.

Moving along…if you google Lindsay Lohan, there are more awful pics that come up than good ones. Therefore, I came up with a game I would like to play called “I Spy: Lohan Edition.”


I spy:

1) Awful Extensions. Hey gurl, I can see where your real hair stops and the fake hair starts.

2) Are those sunglass strings hanging from your rearview mirror? Do you think you are rastafarian? Also…who hangs stuff from their mirrors anymore? I think I hung my high school tassle there for one day before I found it the most annoying cheesiest effing thing on earth. Hey everyone, I am 17 and just graduated high school! Come rob me!

3) The puffiest fucking face I have ever seen. Is it the drinking or is it far too many fillers?

4) WAY too much cat like eyeliner.

5) Plumped up lips that make her look like The Joker.

6) Lindsay Lohan behind the wheel.

7) A friend. Who knew?!


I Spy:

1) Vomit on my floor because I seriously just threw up.

2) If you put anything in that bag, ie a feather, her left arm is going to break the fuck off.

3) I seriously can’t even look at this picture for another second it’s making legit sick.

For the record. I still love this picture.


I Spy:

1) A wig.

2) A Mob Wife or Airforce Amy, can’t decide.

3) Eyebrows that are starting to become uneven…which means too many needles.

4) Quit it with the lips!!

5) I wonder who did her makeup. They should be fired. Her skin is like 8439240 different colors.


I Spy:

1) Hey remember that time I told you I started to see eyebrows at different levels?

2) Duck face. But not the good kind that I practice daily.

3) Even BIGGER lips.


I Spy:

1) Rotten teeth. The rest of the picture is irrelevant.

And for the saddest fashion moment EVER in Miss Lindsay’s life:


I Spy:

1) UMMM A BOBBY PIN PLACED EVER SO WEIRDLY IN HER HAIR?! Did someone forget to take it out? Was this on purpose? Did Lindsay think that this was normal/ok? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

2) Self tanner placed ONLY around her eyebrows.

And finally…you know you have hit rock bottom when…

Your mug shot is better than all of the above paps shots.

HAVING SAID ALL THIS (curb), if you are obsessed with Lohan like I am, you know shes a gorgeous girl who has so much potential. Why the hell does she make herself look worse? Makes no sense but it sure is fun!

In addition, I would love to party with her. It would be wild, for cereal. That is, until she has a paranoid freak out attack while locked in a bathroom stall and crying over some loser from The Wanted.

Anyway, I don’t know about you, but I cannot wait for the media debacle that is going to occur when The Canyons is released. It’s basically a low budget porn starring LiLo that I just found out is NOT supposed to be a joke. I repeat, not a joke.



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