The Bachelor

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Breaking News: Bachelor’s presence cures the fake anxiety worldwide epidemic. Bach Recap Ep 6.

Published February 11, 2015 by jaclynswartz

We open up in Santa Fe, New Mexico, home of kes ah dillas and sombreros.

Chris is still bad at speeches, and Kelsey is still on the floor, where she has remained the last week. The cameras hone in on her heinous booties and decide to torture us more – not to mention her awkward positioning on the floor?! If you are going to fake collapse at least lie gracefully on the floor.

Me and Chris after I fake passed out from fake anxiety.

Me and Chris after I fake pass out from fake anxiety.

Everyone’s minds are boggled, because KELSEY IS SO FAKE, and they don’t understand that fake is the equivalent to not ever wanting to live in Iowa in the first place. So Chris eliminates them all…

Just kidding, he eliminates Samantha who never said one word, but I am totally relieved that i can finally stop being jealous of her dark long locks and bright blue eyes. BUT IM FUNNY!

Mackenzie thinks she will NEVER EVER get over the heartache of being eliminated but we all know that’s not true because you are 21 years old, don’t know left from right, and I am not even sure you know you are on The Bachelor….or that you named your son after spinach?

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What also confuses me on a consistent basis is how Kelsey is still around despite her uncool creepshow mom hair dos that are a hybrid of the following:

Debbie_Downer

Holler!

Holler!

Unless you are Mandy Moore on the set of “Candy” singing ooooooh ahhh ya ya ya ya ya over and over again, then you have no business wearing these, ever. Like even if I were to go in to a time machine closet to win over Mark Ruffalo in 13 going on 30, I would not be caught dead wearing butterfly clips.

Kelsey gets the rose and the girls are pissed she used her Widow Card to gain a sympathy rose. I meannnnnnn….I really don’t like Kelsey but let’s call a spade a spade here. I think the girls like Jueeueuelia, right? She did the exact same thing by using her Tragedy Card as her Who Wants To Be A Millionaire lifeline. (It’s impossible not to say that title in the Slumdog accent)

To be honest, I would totally use this strategy if i thought i was about to be eliminated. I mean if you think you are going to go home, chances are…YOU ARE! So naturally, I thought long and hard about what my story would be. I think when I was on it was that my parents were divorced, which like 99.9% of the population is anyway. I mean, what a loser I was! Literally got me negative sympathy.

I need a redo.

So this is my REAL story: When I was growing up, life was so hard. All of my friends’ parents bought them the entire Kate Spade handbag collection. I had to babysit EVERY.SINGLE.SATURDAY to save up to buy myself the rectangular single strap Kate Spade. DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT WAS? That was the cheapest bag in the collection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn’t my story….AMAZING? I am so eloquent.

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Kate Spade Claire bag, COMIN IN HOT

Anyway, we all travel with the circus to South Dakota. Chris says there is so much history here! The only history in South Dakota is it was the sh*ttiest leg of my Teen Tour (CRAP. This is not in line with my Tragedy Card please don’t tell Chris, please don’t tell him). I remember Mt. Rushmore being a letdown because even my beanies are too big for their rock carved heads. ‘MURICA!

ABC forces us to watch Chris do a Wild West Amusement Park type photo shoot and I think THE NERVE! But then I realize that I do this 365 days a year by forcing people to look at my selfies.

One on One with Becca:

They still haven’t kissed.

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Becca and Chris go horseback riding in SD, and Becca has never ridden a man I mean horse before. Chris thinks she looks like a pro, and like she has been doing it forever….which is clearly a premeditated foreshadow.

Sidenote: The only time I ride horses is to get out of 6 hour hikes that my friends are forcing me to participate in. Hey blame my friends for the animal labor, not me.

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Back at the house MY 3 FAVORITE GIRLS LEFT, Carly, Kaitlyn and Whitney confront the demonic plague, Kelsey, for being a flagrant liar. You can tell Whit is a little nervous, because Kelsey probably has a dull butter knife in her pocket to use as a murder weapon.

Kelsey claims she is “blessed with eloquence” which is funny as sh*t because everyone in the world knows that eloquence is obviously a LEARNED skill. But don’t worry folks, Kelsey know’s her ABC’s so she is self-proclaimed smart.

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Aside from Antoine Dodson speaking the truth, he is also a hair dresser. Hit him up, Kelsey.

Becca and Chris One on One night portion:

Chris laughs for like 98% of the date, which makes me laugh hysterically. His laugh is seriously such a crowd pleaser. I love it.

Chris says that his expectations were blown out of the water which is pretty confusing considering there wasn’t much of a conversation that happened on this date.

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The take away from this date: Becca gets a rose and I want to date Becca’s dentist.

GROUP DATE:

Jade, Britt, Whitney, Carly, Kaitlyn, and Megan have to live a nightmare and sing Country with Big and Rich. I had no idea who they were until I realized they sang “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy…” And lord knows, if you were in a Sorority, YOU KNOW THAT SONG – since it’s slogan was printed on 65 of your slut themed dress up party tee shirts.

Things we learned on this date:

Jade without make up looks like this:

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Me without makeup looks like this:

I woke up like this.

I woke up like this. Flawless.

Britt claims she cannot sing. But she is an actress acting like someone who cannot sing.

Whitney’s accent gets thicker when she sings, which defies my entire personal scientific experiment that proves accents disappear when people sing. Also, I made Whitney sing me her full song this week and it was actually really cute, I was impressed!! (with her lyrics that is…not her performance).

Kaitlyn can rap, like for real, and also says beaver a lot. I need to use that word more in my daily life. Beaver, so hot right now. (hehe).

Megan taps the mic like she’s Mariah Carey and it’s weird because….why?

Jade’s anxiety is endearing and kudos to her for not forgetting all words and then doing weird stuff on stage and omg….hot flashes over here…FML.

I am sorry for ruining Sister Christian for you forever.

Britt gets to go to a private concert with Chris and I’d be like omg – Parents are gone, Babysitter’s dead, let’s get wild and be our true selves!!!!!!!!!!! No?

The girls get pissed AF, and Britt get’s the rose so she can continue acting her way through to Episode 7.

Britt’s halloween costume:

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Chris, Ashley and Kelsey: 2 Crazies. 1 Bachelor

Kelsey said she knows EXACTLY where the Badlands are and EXACTLY what they are because she has buried like 48392048 bodies and all of her evidence there.

Ashley get’s her time first and she’s wearing her cheesiest dangley belly button ring, corn rows and blonde bobby pins. Their kissing continues to be painfully awkward but Ashley’s is CONFIDENT she’s getting the rose. Then Ashley, the girl who wouldn’t make it 32 seconds in Iowa, tells Chris that Kelsey is fake.

Kelsey is fake upset and then goes back to the bed that is set up in the middle of desert for the ULTIMATE AWKWARD STARE DOWN. I honestly would be sh*tting my pants if a girl with a closet full of cardigans was staring me down.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

This bed scene is more awkward than this photo.

Kelsey, with a GI Jane blazer and anal beads around her neck, continues to talk crap about Ashley’s inability to talk in big words. Not gonna lie, her dress up comment had me on the floor.

Ashley starts crying and runs back to Chris. She tries to explain herself as he rejects her and Chris is like….

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Ashley continues to cry, but we all know she was happy to go home because she clearly ran out of fresh eyelashes. Those things were more f*cked up than James Franco was when he consented to sex with Lindsay Lohan.

Chris then ALSO eliminates sociopath sally, and according to Chris, a date has never been so fun!

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All the craziness has removed the need for a rose ceremony this episode with Kelsey and Ashley both going home. Chris does us all a favor and leaves them to die in the desert.

RIP Kelsey. Or should I say RIP Jaclyn just in case Kelsey reads this blog?

Let me know what you all think, I cannot wait to hear your comments from this ep.

XX
Jac

Warm, Salty….Milk and Jimmy Kimmel takes OVER. This is #TheBachelor Ep 3. Recap

Published January 23, 2015 by jaclynswartz

Well it’s good to know that Chris is nice in the morning – because if I was the girl who won I would be watching that and getting really excited to bark orders at that man as soon as I woke up.

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So after Chris does not murder Jimmy for waking him up at probably 3am after 14 minutes of sleep, we pan over to Jimmy entering the house.

Chris is all, there is a new man in your life! And then some chick who is clearly over production starts to guess what it is…”a dog…an animal…a cat…” and Jimmy walks in and everyone squeals like the pigs that will eventually become their only friends when they move to Iowa.

Jimmy will be helping with the dates this week! Yay! The girls are then presented with something called the “amazing” jar, where every time the word is said, 1 dollar is donated to the jar. This is really funny in theory but then I realize that we just have to listen to the girls repeat a different word that they think is WAY more advanced; ‘Extravagant.’ Needless to say hardly any of these girls got over a 400 Verbal on their SATs, and that’s including the girls who were graded on a 2400 scale.

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Have you ever seen Jimmy Kimmel Lie Witness News? Because I would have loved to see Ashley S. absolutely slaughter this.

Also, let’s be honest. I would follow Jimmy around the house like a sad puppy dog and then cling on to his leg as hard as I did when I latched on to a tree my last day of camp. I just have always hated reality I guess.

Don't you leave me. Don't you DARE EFFING LEAVE ME JIMMAYYYYY!

Don’t you leave me. Don’t you DARE EFFING LEAVE ME JIMMAYYYYY!

Kaitlyn gets a 1:1 date with Chris and looks really cute in her crop top and maxi skirt…and, wait for it wait for it….A FLANNEL.

Me at the grocery store:

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Vs

Kaitlyn at the grocery store:

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CROP TOP CITY. I want to go to there.

But for real unlimited ORDERBS (I have a friend who spells it like that) is my idea of an ideal date, but we all know Iowa doesn’t have Costco. It’s going to be like a real life version of Win a Date With Tad Hamilton, with all of the Piggly Wigglys, minus Josh Duhamel, and plus 40 more annoying Topher Grace’s that have since aged and gained 400 pounds.

Jimmy comes over to Chris’ house after they’ve sprinkled pepper on some steaks and made some toast in the toaster. Kaitlyn calls Jimmy an asshole for sending them to Costco, but really she’s happy not to be on a helicopter where she repeats the word “wow” over and over while rubbing Chris’ inner thigh. We learn that Kaitlyn will definitely be having sex with Chris if she makes it to the Fantasy Suite which has secured her spot in the final 3.

Chris gives 16 horrible speeches asking Kaitlyn to accept the rose and she gladly accepts even though he’s not a legit farmer like the past cow milkers she has dated.

We then pan over to Jillian working out – making sure to cover up her peen with a black box. She seriously needs to lay off the roids. Her body is way bigger than her head and she looks like those weird dudes from beetlejuice who I still have nightmares about on the regs.

Hi Chris, i'm Jillian. Wanna make out? Didn't think so.

Hi Chris, I’m Jillian. Wanna make out? Didn’t think so.

Next is a group date where they girls have to do a farm relay race in a field. No chance I would have participated. Like just sit there and lift my pinky and then eliminate myself due to the fact that my shoes are not manure friendly. Come on ladies, no man that would ask you to participate in a relay with 6 different types of animal sh*t is someone who you want to marry.

Aside from like 17 cum jokes that were birthed from their interviews, the ladies’ (and man’s) outfits were all over the map.

We have Jillian who is the modern day version of Finkle is Einhorn, Einhorn is Finkle, doing a bad tuck job in her mini shorts requiring a black box to cover it up, once again. Don’t forget the Stay Classy MUSCLE TEE which she adorned with a metal statement necklace. I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep tonight without a heavy dose of ambien.

Kelsey wore a business blouse with leggings and running shoes.

Some others mixed up Prairie with Farmer and I think were a little confused because the only farm book they have ever read was Charlotte’s Web.

Nikki took the cake for best dressed on this date for me.

At the night portion of the date the girls each take Chris to different areas to kiss him so that no one has to talk.

Mackenzie, the resident idiot, is perplexed that Chris is kissing other girls quoting “why is he kissing the other girls?.” OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. Is this chick living inside a Wee Sing in Sillyville VHS? I mean some of the alumni of this show are pushing 50 – are you really that dumb that you don’t know how this show works? And beyond that point even more dumb that you went on a national TV show that you knew nothing about?

You are living in a land that needs to get its colors back!

You are living in a land that needs to get its colors back!

I usually try to keep my real sh*t talking for private text messages to my friends that include entire camera rolls of other peoples pathetic instagram photos, but I really couldn’t hold it in about Mackenzie. Yes she may be 12, and yes she may have been blacked out when she named her child, but if I lived in that house there is no way I could be within 100 feet of her.

Moving along, the girls all eat Chris’ face, with the exception of Becca who wants to take things in real world pace and wants to wait to smooch. Let’s just say you have to look like Becca in order for this strategy to work out, so WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Did anyone else notice that Jillian wants to bang Britt? Her hands are always on her like a psychotic boyfriend. Next thing you know she’s tattooing B R I T T across her muscular chest with a pen and fingering her on a rollercoaster to wild horses. We all know that’s followed by killing her best guy friend and cutting off her dogs head. Fun times ahead for you, Britt!

You're probs gonna need a restraining order.

You’re probs gonna need a restraining order.

Back at the house we see Whitney get her 1:1 date card and she cries tears of joy. It’s basically the way I cried when I went on dates with Ben but for completely different reasons.

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I’m not gonna lie, I cried when Whitney cried when she got the date. I proceeded to slap myself 72 times but I will say that Whitney is a good friend of mine and I could just see how effing happy she was and it literally melted my ice cold heart.

Whitney and Chris go and have some wine and my only take away was how hard he laughed at YOLO. There is only one word worse than YOLO, and its YOPO.

Whitney and Chris go to crash a wedding, and HOLY UPDO WHIT, nailed it! Looking gorg. They head straight to the head table where Chris proceeds to EFF UP THE ENTIRE PLAN, and Whitney is a stand up gal for not beating the shit out of him then and there. Chris and Whitney do some awkward dance moves and then Whitney almost murders half of the women there to grab the bouquet FOR HER STATS! Numbers gal. The only thing missing was Whitney giving Chris the good ol’ OTPHJ and some great imitations of the stage 5 clinger from Wedding Crashers.

It’s clear Whitney and Chris have a natural connection and he feels really comfortable around her. And like, while I’m trying not to be biased for blog purposes, GO WHITNEY GOOO!

So, the 3 with roses are Kaitlyn, Becca and Whitney.

Jimmy drops the horrible news that there will be NO COCKTAIL PARTY – which yields the same irrational reactions as his videos where parents tell their kids they ate all their Halloween candy. He then proceeds to talk to them like I do my cleaning lady and say “YOU     LIIIIIKE   POOOOOL?”

The girls get in their sluttiest bikinis/black boxes and put on their ugliest of ugly headpieces. We also learn where the girls grew up judging by who shows up to the party in bikinis and heels, and who doesn’t.

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I am not going to get into the details of Juelia’s poolside conversation, because suicide is absolutely never a joking matter, but I did feel extremely uncomfortable because I felt like I was getting a large dose of personal information that I am not sure I was prepared for. I know on this show you are pressed for time but I just think this was a serious case of #toosoon.

My heart and thoughts go out to Juelia, as I know what it is like to be blindsided by mental illness and suicide – something that we will never fully understand.

This still does not excuse that headband.

The rest of the girls turn into rabid dogs and try to dryhump Chris in all locations of the girls mansion and the bachelor house.

Aside from the headband and trash tat mafia, we have Jade in formal wedding wear white stilettos and a nude bra that some/I claim to be boobie. We paused the tv and took photos (KEWL, I KNOW! #thisis30), rewinded 6 times and came to an agree to disagree conclusion. Can we stop focusing on DEFLATEGATE and start focusing on BOOBGATE?

All the girls are liiiike….

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After Ashley I has a schizo episode, she proceeds to bite off Chris’ face once again — almost taking it to double homicide status by falling off a balcony with her rabid aggression. Looks like this girl never practiced making out with her hand in the 6th grade. Something that Kim Kardashian started doing in the womb, but with a banana.

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In the end some girls go home who will remain no names and we are left with some more girls who are inching towards the grand prize of a Hyena laugh for life.

Top 5 for Chris:

  • Whitney
  • Kaitlyn
  • Becca
  • Carly
  • Britt

Best dressed honorable mention because they haven’t shown her talking ONCE, but I spy those clothes and they should not go ignored…(the TRUE winner in my eyes)

Samantha

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Let me know what you guys think!

XO
Jac

NO TALKING; except for Tina. Bach Recap Ep 2

Published January 14, 2014 by jaclynswartz

So another week of the bachelor is under our belts and we learned basically negative information about any of these girls thus far. We WERE able to fulfill some quotas though!

The drunk girl: TINA aka Victoria

The mother hen: Renee

The good girl: Andi

The funny girl: Kelly aka my soul sistah

The person who misses their kid and just doesn’t know if they will be able to last after day 3 of being away girl: Former NBA Dancer girl

The nudist model girl: Lucy (Court would be proud!)

The I am trying to be a news anchor but I suck so badly it hurts girl: Amy

Then a whole bunch of in between girls that we haven’t quite met. At least now we know that Molly belongs to Kelly, because up until that blooper scene I’m pretty sure all of America thought that dog was a stray.

1-on-1 Date With Clare:

Carl blindfolds Clare and takes her to a remote location to go sledding in snow like 5 year olds, and then straddle her in a hot tub, like 12 year olds. The whole first portion of the date consisted of fake giggles and shrieks which was a very organic segway into her talking about her deceased dad. This was obviously very sad, don’t get me wrong, but jumping from this topic to making out almost immediately after made me feel like I was stuck in a polar vortex of daddy issues. Carl says that he just “wants her to feel  safe” as he choke holds her in the hot tub. I’m scared. End of date 1. (somewhere in between she gets a rose)

1-1   Date with Kat:

Private jets in week two and we have ourselves a season!!!!!! I like Kat a lot. So far she has given me no reason to believe she der for the wrong reasons. They land at the electric run where they will have to…errr…run, she acts cool about it which is all the reason to get a rose. A guy taking me on a first date to a 5k run is like….I’m the Nick Brody and Carl is the CIA. DON’T TAKE ME TO A RAVE WHERE I AM BEING FILMED…EVER. As they run up to the stage they get touched by a lot of freaks on Molly (not the dog) and then Kat seduces the sh*t out of Carl by showing him her best dance on tables sex moves. Carl grabs the mic and says “KAT! Weeeel you eccccept dees rose!?” and just like that, I realize I will be speaking like this from now until March.

Was it just me or was there legit NO talking on these dates? It confused me a little. I felt like there was a whole portion of Kat’s date that we didn’t see. It’s making it hard for me to blog about AND ITS PISSING ME OFF.

Group Date:

Group dates are the absolute best way to make a fool out of the girls and sees who handles it best. That was essentially the entire purpose of this “models and mutts” exercise. Group dates are effing embarrassing and everyone knows it. BUT WE ARE ON THE BACHELOR AND THE BACHELOR IS A GAME OF YES! I’m so easy going, look at me Carl! I will look soooo ugly and stupid for you in this idiotic costume so that you will definitely fall in love with me!

Lucy walks naked down the street walking dogs, which has absolutely nothing to do with this date at all, but they decided to show randomly show it. Why wasn’t she arrested? I am totally confused.

Kelly gets the worst costume of all – literally putting her long ass Rapunzel hair in a bald cap  – looking like a conehead with shit smeared spots and a unitard. Not sure what this costume had anything to do with modeling, but I mean come, its MUTTS AND MODELS! YAY!

Lucy, Andi, and Carl go naked at one point. Though it’s pretty obvious that the only one who was naked there was Lucy. If Carl had is d*ck out I am pretty sure there would be like 10 more girls fighting to go naked.

Enough about the photo shoot. Enough about girls bitching about their costumes , let’s get to the good stuff.

VICTORIA MEET TINA. TINA MEET VICTORIA. So Tina is what I am going to call Victoria’s drunk alter ego. She probably watched on Monday night and met Tina for the first time so I felt the intro was necessary. Hope they liked eachother! Ya know, as I was watching I was dying but I effing loved it. It was like Acapulco spring break all over again but FOR ALL OF AMERICA TO WATCH AND SEE! The second hand embarrassment was off the chain, and I still think Tina is confused between “I’m a bitch” and “I’m a joke” – BUT – the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Tina is the shit and needs to come out with me this weekend and every weekend going forward. If only she made it to the final 2, she could have had a sit down with Carl’s parents for a serious conversation about her “Life is about straddling things” philosophy.  Also, thanks a lot ABC for jipping me out of more footage of Tina. You can’t show Tina wishing death upon Carl in a commercial and then NOT SHOW IT ON THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN EPPY!

Fast forward to the next day, where Victoria reemerges at a hotel to speak with Carl. I think it was at this point that I realized I wanted Tina back foreva. It’s like I’m such a sucker for I want what I can’t have. Victoria was way more boring than Tina ever was and I immediately ate my words. She gave a half assed apology to Carl which made it sound like she didn’t give an eff at all and would be flying home to BOCA for more Tina being Tina that very night – let’s just hope she doesn’t bring that sh*t to the Boca Beach Club.

Carl sent her home because he is really looking for a stepmom for Cameeeeeeeeeeela. HOW AMAZING WOULD THIS SPIN OFF BE?!? – “TINA BABYSITS CAMEEEELA WHILE CARL BANGS HIS NEW FIANCE” I’d watch that shi*t on repeat just like I do with “I am Britney Jean.”

On a side note, I actually was impressed with Carl. Even though he can’t speak English – Ben would have been the BIGGEST dick about this embarrassing episode. So kudos, Carl. Just another way season 16 got the shaft.

Kelly gets the group rose  – and it’s probs because she looked like a humany doody and acted totes cool about it. Reminded me of when Blakeley had to be the gingerbread man and got the group rose. The only difference was that Blakeley gave Ben the hymen maneuver (THANKS TINA!) in the hot tub, while we didn’t even see Kelly and Carl converse once.

NO TALKING IN CLAAAAAAAAAAASS.

Rose ceremony cocktail party starts and Renee tries to talk girl number 12 off of the ledge. Cassandra is a former dancer for the “NBA” and has a 2 year old son. Kinda awks she had her son like, a day ago. She ends up staying, thanks to Renee’s sanity, and it looks like she sluts it out next week. Can’t wait! Go Mom!

Amy, the rosette shirt offender, doesn’t get a date this week so literally has 3 minutes with Carl to impress him. What she does during this time COULD BE WORSE THAN THAT SHIRT! She says she’s a news anchor (ha) and she then whips out an in person “sizzle reel” which was full of gut wrenching awkwardness and negative sizzle. Puuuuuuuurty clear Amy won’t be with us for much longer at this point. Ron Burgundy could teach her a thing or 2.

Sharleen apologizes for being rude during her acceptance of the first impression rose and Carl is legitimately stunned. Apparently he is the only one in America who didn’t catch on to any sort of social cues from Sharleen. Love this girl. Loved her little peek a boo boobage too in that dress. Opera singer be naughtaaay.

Carl is generally confused.

Carl is generally confused.

Rose ceremony happens and after we stare at some panicky weird facial expressions, Amy and the other girl take a hike.

Not for nothing, Amy’s exit was pretty graceful. She surprised me there.

Not enough focus on this week’ fashion because the rose ceremony happened kind of fast. BUT LUCY WORE LIPSTICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOP 5 in terms of Carl:

1)      CLARE

2)      KAT

3)      ANDI

4)      NIKKI

5)      SHARLEEN

Hopefully there is more TALKING next week so I actually have something to say! UGHHHHHHH. Throw me a friggin bone here.

XX

yoyce

 

TINA EAT YOUR HAM. Bach Recap Ep 1 – Juan Carl

Published January 7, 2014 by jaclynswartz

Remember that freak Casey who was on Laguna Beach for a season? Her sole purpose on the show was to ask her maid to make her a “kess-ahhhh-dill-ah” after school and talk horrible Spanglish to her in an annoying voice. She showed off her gaudy house, fake tan, fake teeth, bleached hair and cheese bedazzled fashion. WELL, that’s basically the job of 40% of these girls.

And I feel like we have a lot more horrible Spanish coming.

Casey Reinhardt forevs!

So let’s start with Juan Carlos (Thanks Lena Dunham). This summer, when they announced that Juan would be THE ONE (notice I did not use a pun there? I’ll get to that) I wrote a blog about why he would be amazing (read it here: http://blondhairdontcare.com/2013/08/06/juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan/) Well, since following him on social media I seriously need to reevaluate that list I wrote, and my life for that matter! Like, who IS that girl (Elyse) that wrote that blog? Jaclyn 6 months ago is not Jaclyn of 2014. WATCH OUT, bitchier than ever.

1)      THE JUAN PUNS ARE OVERKILL. IF YOU ARE STILL PUNNING OUT, we would never be friends. Stop trying too hard. You’re so 2000 and late.

2)      The random caps lock isn’t funny anymore, it’s just annoying.

3)      It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t speak English. GREAT bach material!

4)      He is still a smokeshow but the communication barrier is a ser prob for me.

When I get jealous of Gisele sometimes I have to say, ‘Well, her English isn’t that great..soooo’ and it makes me feel better. Effed up. I know. And that’s what I have to say to myself about Juan Carlos when I compare a side by side of him and Ben Flananananah.

So moving along, Juan Carlos has a daughter, who is like Ricky 2.0. He bought her at the Bachelor store as a test to see what sluts were so desperate to go on TV that they’d be ok to be a mommy at 23. (Oh you can put me in that desperate slut category because I’d be there with bells on for round 2 – which is even more desperate! technically round 3 if you count bachelor pad. OMG what am I doing right now I am COOL I PROMISE.) In other news, I just shoveled a hole 6 feet deep and I’m rolling around in it and giggling.

Anyway, enough about Carl because I hate the cheesey bachelor stuff. Unless you are Sean Lowe doing a half naked montage in the mansion shower I’m so not interested. Add the fact that he can’t speak English….aaaaaaand I’m getting up to refill my wine and eat more cheese. I love cheese. Also, just a note, liiiiiiiiike Sean and Carl definitely aren’t friends – but I’m sure Carl will be at his wedding (with no date obviously! Because the girl who he’s definitely already broken up with has to remain a secret!) Carl just wants to be famous and eff a lot of models – that’s what he does, that’s what he was put on this planet for. And that’s why Lucinda (lucy?) was put on this show…..so he could get closer to Kate Upton (google it)

So as I watched with my A-team bitch bach crew last night, I missed most of the episode because the sh*t we were saying about the show/other bach alumni was quite the distraction. At one point Spivey caught me in a booger/drool moment and then, get this………..funniest story ever………I went to rehab!!!! Just kidding but not really because 2 nights of Bachelor in a row have me with a consecutive hangover headache sitch. Casual black outs on red wine has never been so fun. Hi mom!

This was a fairly calm night 1 (I think? Again, didn’t pay attention to many details) – so let me just get right to it and go through the girls who stood out to me.

Andi – she is gorg. Great style so that’s obviously an added bonus. Her hometown package reciting rehearsed lines in a courtroom gave me second hand embarrassment but other than that you could tell Pabby was pleased. I mean, she stepped out of the limo and the music changed. Nothing says you go girl like getting a music change on the bachelor. She’s obviously going to go far – ABC wasn’t too discrete about that one. If Carl doesn’t pick her, she will be the next bachelorette. GUILT AS CHARGED!

Also – Erica Rose does ‘lawyer’ (if she really is one – still TBD) way funnier.

Speaking of Erica, was I seeing things or were there like at least 14 tiaras last night? Speaking of tiaras, I used to really like the word sparkle. If one of these psychos ruins the word glitter for me I’M GONNA LOSE IT.

Also – WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even know where to begin.

I don’t even know where to begin.

I didn’t look at the girls online bios because that picture of mine scarred me for life so I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. BUT WHAT WAS THIS GIRL THINKING WHEN SHE PUT THIS ON?! Better yet, why does she own it? It’s disgusting. Like did Stevie Wonder make this shirt? Did this girl make it past night one? I really hope she did so that I can see what other heinous articles of clothing she wears. I wonder if she put this on and was like “I think this shirt is so great and perfect to live on google for the rest of my life!” I want to have a sit down talk with her and pick her brain about it. I wouldn’t even let Tierra wear this shirt to her fake engagement party to her fake fiancé.

Nikki – Nikki is my FAVE right now – Wanna know why? Because her hometown package showed her being this cute sweet pediatric nurse in scrubs. Fast forward to the mansion and shes wearing a sexy backless dress (which I liked bt dubs) AND I SPOTTED A SLUTTY SIDE TAT. Then she proceeds to let Carl feel her up with a stethoscope/hand and there you have it – undercover psychopath who is hot. Sign me up. Love you Nikki!

Sharleen – I was told I would like Sharleen by a close friend who knows me (and her) pretty well. At first I was like ummm why would someone think me and an opera singer in a bun would get along? No. Then I watched her for  5 more minutes LOVE her attitude and LOVE Sharleen. Carl’s like, will you accept this rose, and she’s like “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sure” – I dig her honesty and she’s a winner. Her convo with Carl “felt forced” because English is his second language and he probably has a hooked on phonics teacher speaking into an earpiece for him.

Clare – Her pregnancy joke would have been funnier if it was real. But then we would have to take the “Most Sexually Awkward” award away from Jamie Otis and that aint right. Clare is cute, she’ll go far.

I get uncomf just THINKING about it

I get uncomf just THINKING about it

Renee – the most normal single mom we’ve seen (other than Emily Maynard) – and she’s a Pats/Red Sox fan so…SOLD.

Lucy – clearly this girl has had a ton of amazing acid trips. She also forgot her shoes and her makeup. Doesn’t give a fuuuuu*k about anything at all. Except fashion (loved her dress and floral headband – Casey Shteamer is probably having a heart attack over it). Oh and dating cajillionaires. I bet her snapchat didn’t get hacked, bitch! I hope she sticks around because she’s insane.

People I couldn’t stand:

AMY EFFING J – she actually made me physically nauseus. From the airplane feeding bit and talking in baby voices to the bangs and everything in between – I was screaming with discomfort. Whoever put her on this show should be stoned.

There was also a girl who looking like she slipped in a tub of black ink that I couldn’t be bothered by.

OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM THE NIGHT:

A lot of the girls don’t have good names. It was weirding me out – especially after my 4th glass of wine. I think one’s name is Tina. If not, I made that up. I don’t care though, I’m calling someone Tina – just haven’t decided who yet.

Why do the girls still wear gowns? With cutouts? And jewels? I just don’t get it. It’s like they live in a dark hole and then emerge from this hole and go straight to the limo with only the ugliest dress they can find. I also hate pageant girls because it’s very easy to. This probably has something to do with it.

Ginge misheard Carl say her name and accidentally walked up to get a rose that wasn’t hers. Ginge going home night 1 was as shocking as Ricky Martin coming out of the closet.

When Kelly turns to the side she disappears. But I am looking forward to seeing more of her (when she is face forward obvs)

Nikki said Carl was “so easy to talk to” – she can join the liar pool with Christy who said she “loved that he had a daughter”

I want to see more of Christy and Kelly – because I know their names.

Lauren cried a lot and it’s either one of 2 things: too much booze or too much booze.

Surprised he got rid of the Tampa Cheerleader. She was cute – it confuses me.

Like, HELLO?! I think she also speaks spanish for realz.

Like, HELLO?! I think she also speaks spanish for realz.

Green dress girl went home and should have stayed because of the dress alone. Proves that dressing for girls gets you nowhere in life slash the bachelor. (damnit)

FAVE DRESSES IN ORDER OF RANK:

1)      Green Emerald Dress (Christine)

2)      Red Herve Leger (Kat) – though if it were me I would have worn the same dress in the short version

3)      ALC flowy dress (Lucyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)

4)      Long blue Halston Heritage (Andi)

5)      Long Red Nicole Miller dress (Kelly) – I wore this dress in black (in short version obvs) to a wedding, makes the bubs look great

I can’t wait until the girls start fighting.

I love the girl in the preview who is crying in the bathroom, wishes Carl would die…and then in the most heroic fashion EVER Carl finds a word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “……Please”

Hope the girls get tetanus shot before going in that pool! Tehehe anus.

XX

Jac aka yoyce

PS I didn’t proofread this because I am lazy so don’t bother pointing out typos because I don’t care and it’s a waste of both your time and mine. AMEN.

JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN

Published August 6, 2013 by jaclynswartz

So the new Bachelor was announced last night during the After The Final Rose Special. Ladies and Gents — IT’S JUAN PABLO!!!!!!!!!

Man scarf. Man friggin sexy.

Man scarf. Man friggin sexy.

In both the audience at the taping and at our Herbal Essences viewing party, people’s heads were literally popping off with excitement. I’m talking the chicks AND the dudes. Um ya, equally excited – which obviously got my mind racing. There have been some fiiiiiiiiine looking Bachelors (and some not so fine ones….hint hint) but, let’s focus our attention on the positive, SHALL WE?

Hot enough to make you strip.

Hot enough to make you strip.

Juan Pablo is THE cholula of Bachelors, if you will. Hot, spicy, spanish speaking, will make you sweat….etc. I EFFING LOVE HOT SAUCE. It makes the world go round. However, not everyone likes hot sauce…so mayyyyybe Juan Pablo is not your fave? Either way – IT’S POLL TIME.

This was a tough one for me. Though I love Sean and think he’s a cool dude, my vote isn’t going to him. Though Juan Pablo screams SEX, my vote isn’t going to him (plus we have yet to watch his season). Brad Womack is hot, but I am team Emily. So, I really gotta stick with the OG hottie. MY VOTE GOES TO ANDREW FIRESTONE. MMM MMM GOOD.

I don’t want to have my vote influence your decision, however. So please think long and hard (tehehe, maturity) about your final answer. This poll is EVERYTHING.

Wait did I mention Juan Pablo yet in this post? Not enough? OK GOOD. Because here is the running list of why I effing love Juan Pablo as the new Bachelor.

1) The puns. Puns gotta be number Juan on this list.

2) He’s a soccer player. It’s like, he could knock me up, and the whole saying “he’s gonna be a socca playa!” IS ACTUALLY REAL AND MAKES SENSE.

3) His 5 O’clock shadow.

4) His accent. Even though we won’t understand half the shit he says, it sounds good comin out.

5) This is not a reason I love him, but more so a suggestion. Girls going through finals, who will know if they made the show any day now, SHOULD BE BUYING ROSETTA STONE. All of you. Every. single. one. of. you. Also, be thankful you found out who your Bachelor is going to be over a month prior to leaving for the show. NOT JEALOUS AT ALL.

6) He has a daughter. This is not for me, but will make for some great tweets.

7) He seems pretty confused on the regs. That’s funny.

8) His twitter account is possibly the best thing since sliced bread. With the “jajajajajajajaja’s” and the “jejejejejeje’s,” the random capitalization of words (because he clearly doesn’t understand this concept), and tweets like “Two L.A POLICE officers just came in to my room in the HOTEL to investigate a murder case. I almost CRAP my pants… #firsttime.” I don’t have the heart to tell him that it should be ‘crapped.’

9) Spanish betches love the dramz.

10) Fantasy suite shmantasy suite. We all know he’s doing the girls night 1. That guy Des nixed should come back and retry that Fantasy Suite shtick. Juan Pablo might buy it.

11) Juan minor complaint, he’s GOT to get rid of that trademark “TM” on his twitter handle. It’s so douchey. In addtion, the amount of dudes from Des’s season who have “THEREAL…” in their instagram or twitter handles is seriously alarming. EW.

12) Since he’s an athlete, that means his dates will be sporty and extreme. HAHAHA. These girls are in for some miz times ahead, and we are in for some great laughs at their expense.

13) Does this mean there is a chance he has single soccer player friends? Can they be featured in an eppy? (Elan…)

14) It will be interesting to see, once again, what ABC defines as “Stepmom” material.

15) I want speedos. Lots and lots of man speedos. (Elan, are you taking notes?)

16) Juan and I share a birthday. We are sooo the samesies and automatically compatible (in my head).

17) No but seriously you guys, his random capitalization of words on his tweets is the funniest effing thing ever. Like, what is going on in that mans head? I’m trying to understand his capitalizing system, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. Take a look, and try to dissect it yourself — GUARANTEE you’ll be stumped.

18) We won’t have to listen to any shitty original songs being sung by a man. This was my only concern for Zak. Well that, and too many diaries.

19) Not sure what he carries in it, but it seems as though Juan sports a messenger bag everywhere he goes. This is now cool.

20) And finally……THIS.

Who wears short shorts? JUAN PABLO wears short shorts!

Who wears short shorts? JUAN PABLO wears short shorts!

Can’t wait to see what unfolds next season. I juander if the season will end in a proposal?! (Thanks for that one, Michael Garofola).

Just letting you all know, us season 16 girls are PISSED.

XO

Jaclyn

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